blind hatred

these thoughts are mine and purely mine.

there arent a lot of issues in my life that i have not resolved at one point or another. thats the kind of person i am. i need a solution and resolution to everything. i never like to leave anything hanging.all issues.... except one. i've learned the hard way that reopening old wounds are never a good idea. it hurts. it gets septic. its kills you from the inside out and its eats at your tormented soul till it almost drove me mad. i'll be upfront here and say that, because of an unfortunate event in the past that has been a significant turning point in my young life so far, that i am extremely homophobic. im sure all of you know michelle so there's no need to republish any undisputed facts of history.

im questioning my convictions now. is it me vs the homosexual society or is it just me? i've done my research. i know what lesbianism is about. i know... that they are people just like you and me with just a different sexual prefference. i know they arent all out to steal away your girlfriend or your boyfriend. except you Sam, you sadistic bitch of a dyke. i sincerely hope that you will die a horrible miserable death. i've come to accept the fact that, like all people, all races, all religion, no one is ever perfect. everyone's just human, nothing more and nothing less. and i have enough sense to know that hating an entire community and wishing they were all dead is useless and a waste of emotion. all of it sounds so simple and logical and rational right? haha....if only life was rational. the head can tell you the most rational thing in the world but your heart and your guts, the one you listen to themost should never be associated with rational and logic. ask any gay person out there now. why do they do it. can they give a correct and logical answer? a man married with kids can turn gay. a women who has dated men all her life can find her life partner in a lesbian. where is the logic in that? hitler killed millions of jews, and the people loved him for it. is that logical? no.. humanity and logic are estranged from each other for now and forever. our hubris. the same applies to me. the only justification which i can humbly provide is that the large wound of my heart caused by betrayal is and never will be healed. its will be with me for life and try as hard as i might to listen to logic and rational i just cant shake it off. its post traumatic stress. michelle, i know and you know we can never be more than just friends ever again. you know that i still and always love you for everything post trauma, but... im sorry... i can never forget and forgive fully. and if your community has to suffer, be hated by just only me.. than that will be the case. a girl who was raped by her father has lost her faith in all men and is now a lesbian . now use that analogy to me. i have lost faith in all gay people because of such an emotional trauma. they never did anything to me and not all of them are like sam or you. neither was every man like the girl's father. never forget, the knife cuts both ways

i am HOMOPHOBIC. that is who i am. all people are different. that i know. well...so am i. you can call it blind haterd. we are all blind to what we really want. we can analyse things, try to make sense of things, try to make things the way we want, try to make things better. but how can we when we dont even see whats really in front of us.

i sincerly thanked you michelle. i was sincere in that. and im sincere about our friendship. i have come to accept the fact that we were never meant to be. but scars never disappear. the memories will always be there no matter how i try to psycho myself. so...is it a contradiction that even though im a homophobe that we are still friends? yes...to the fullest extremes...if someone looked in a dictionary for the word contradictory they wound find out friendship there in the definition.lets just say that i did rather have you as a friend rather than not have you at all. but i still am a homophobe. there are more stranger things in heaven and earth than this. that i can assure you. life is a contradiction itself anyway. we live to die and we die, physically and metaphorically, so that others may live. life...is a contradiction.goddamned english lit...its made us all analytical over emotional fucks.

L ies
I nfinately
F ucks
E veryone

time

its 6:45 am on the 23rd day of the month of august in the year 2006 AD. here sits a scribe who has nothing else better to do but sit in front of his new lap top and blog. these are his random thoughts and innermost feelings.

as in the immortal words of Maynard James Keenan(Tool /APC), in the song entitled 3 libras to be specific, its difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over. exactly at what it is im a little disappointed and feeling passed over about is difficult to explain. mostly its with myself. i seem to preach a lot of things like understanding and rationale, trying to find a middle path in life on which to tread. but emotions can make you do crazy things as im sure most of you can attest. crazy crazy things... people keep talking about the past being the past. that time can never be reversed and actions can never be reenacted in the hope of a different result. the past is what made us. without the past there is no present. no future. remember that saying about those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it? why is there always a negative connotation when we say that saying? if you're jewish i would understand. your race never had it easy back then and even now. things are better now you say? nay, things arent better now. things are just more convenient. we had wars then but who to say the wars today are better. if humanity could put half the effort it puts into coming up with ways to kill one another more conveniently into other things then i would say things are better. sad fact of the matter is its not. just more convenient. and besides being more convenient we are luckier than our predecessors. i never had to work on the farm or walk 5 miles to school. i never had to endure the hardships of war or poverty. i said luckier but i didnt say any better. the mentality of humanity is still shittier than shit. money is king and money is the whore. money is nothing and everything. we do such crazy things for money or money's worth. crazy crazy things... like being unfilial to someone who has brought you up with his blood, sweat and tears. literally. this is in reference to my 3 uncles. you are all useless pieces of shit and im ashamed to call myself your nephew. bastards.

i was going off tangent there. but then i never had a drawn out draft of what i was going to write in the first place so hence i cant be off tangent. anyway, as you could obviously(or not) tell, the theme here has to do in general with time, more specifically that past. to all the women that i have dated and liked in general, sorry i wasnt what you expected but then again, neither were you. we lived and learned and it was nice knowing you. except gyn, you were very unpleasant. i shall not indulge in listing the supposed wrongs that you did to me because 1) i've already done it, 2) its not like it would make a difference to the things you have done(there's that time theme again) and 3) its not worth it to get hurt with unwanted memories. and of course a berating from the ever insightful tupps. specifically, michelle, yeah, the past is the past. we were friends, we were lovers, we were enemies(im sure it was one sided but justified on my part anyway), we were everything and nothing. only you have taken me to the highest mountains and the lowest valleys on this landscape of life. i have experienced every emotion, even those i never knew i had with you. and they were all bittersweet. i dont know whether to thank you or to slap you for this myriad of emotions which have now become a life lesson to me. since i dont hit girls(even though some do deserve it, hearts and feelings are not to be toyed with. fellow brothers, this applies to you too. dont fuck around till it hurts. and im not talking about orifices either) it would probably be the former then. you still make me sad but i guess you can be vicariously excused for that by my voluntarily exposing myself to the danger of relapse. but hey, not all of us want to live forever. there's a thin line between love and hate as iron maiden once said. you are that line.

in regards to the anti homosexual rant... that is still my post traumatic stance. take it or leave it. experiences makes us all jaded and biased. even if its sometimes wrong. like staying up for 48 hours and watching family guy and all of kevin smith's movies, except clerks 2 and jersey girl. havent seen those two yet. looking forward to it. and getting some much needed rest. chasing amy is still the best mirror-of my life movie.

22 days left to imposed exile and to you re reading that premature farewell post.

Vermilion is the colour of dirty blood

im a little too hungover to post anything of substance or rant right now after last nights 21 seconds. but i feel this niggling feeling of trying to justify the previous hate rant. a big gigantic head shot from the past is alls i can say. not much of a justification but..heh...who gives a shit. take it or leave it.

listen to this song. maybe it might mitigate things. however, somethings are just so unmittagable, unforgettable, unforgivable, unjustified....

Vermilion part 2
Slipknot

She seemed dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself

Now I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable
She's a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason

I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad
But I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

I catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into pieces
I won't - No
I don't want to be this

But I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real
I can't make her real

one of their more...softer songs.

blast from the past

having previously stated that i do not like homosexuals i did like to restate my position again. i do not like gay people. i can be civilized with you and communicate with you but if you look at me as a piece of meat then im not sorry about not landing my fist on your face followed by my shoe. ever wondered why there's anti gay violence? and stop acting like you're the victims. you aren't. you arent special either. you're just love starved.. willing to look for love anywhere...or anyone. so maybe some of you had some internal hormonal imbalance when you were born. boo hoo.... i look at you like how i would look at a puppy who was born with six legs and two penises. God wasnt kind on you and didnt really spend much time on you. however, what really grinds my gears are those sudden trend following homosexuals. its pretty obvious you're just succumbing to peer preassure(though i dont know what kind of peers you have if u can fall into such deviant ways) if you've dated a person of another sex, as is how its supposed to be, for pretty much of your adolescent life and sometimes even thrive about it and suddenly have an announcement to make about your sexual prefference for someone of the same sex, then thats just pathetic. its like as if you got addicted to crack. you keep taking it because it makes you feel all good inside, and need more and then you get addicted. and when they, the people who really care about you, ask if you're a junkie then you proudly tell them yes im a fucking drug addict and im so fucking proud of it. people get jilted and cheated and used and abused. show me a normal human being who dosent and i'll show you utopia. life is nothing but a bed of rose thorns and you shouldnt have to be so love starved that you did be will to search for it anywhere and from anyone. and you do not have the right to fuck up someone's life just for your own selfish pleasures or curiosity. curiosity dosent kill the cat, just us. no, i dont think anyone can ever accept that people become homosexual because it is just so unnatural. but then again, there's no telling to what depths humanity can go to even though we have seen to the centuries just how deep that depravity goes. and in my humble opinion thats just scratching the surface of it all. btw; when chicks do lesbian porn, dont get it wrong, they arent fucking lesbian and they're just doing their job. real lesbians... they are insidious man hating undecided and selfish people.and why is it if you so reject the idea that you dont need men then why do u feel the need to have babies(whether through artificial insemination which again requires a man or through adoption; bravo, there goes another child brainwashed by your lies) or feel then the need to marry your partner or categorize them as butch and female? you people really dont know what you want. im generalizing and i dont care if im sprouting lies. you certainly didnt feel the need to tell the truth but keep lying until it was too late. when has telling the truth ever brought about any good anyway?humanity was built and thrives on lies caluculated to hurt one another and ourselves. i think the best solution right now would be for humanity to kill themselves and save God the trouble from regretting His decision to ever create such disgusting, depraved self hurting and self destructive creatures.

i was watching the L word and i got a serious blast from the past. and u can call me clingy, over-emotional, vengeful,undecided, angry, delusional, confused and all manner of other words to convey fucked up -ness but i really couldnt give a shit anymore. you dont know ...you wont know...you will never know...

God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve.

boredom begets bored rants

im so bored right now that i;
1) searched for random items on wikipedia.
2)tried to renew my passion for rap and while doing so wondered why people get so offended by the word "fuck". its just a word. a multi purpose,utility word that can be used as a noun,adverb and verb in past, present and future tense. its just a word
3)tried naming all 50 states in the USA without reference and i got stuck at 43
4)would like to play some PC games but my monitor and my display card are both fucked
5) composed a mental poem about how confused humans are while listening to tool but could'nt remember the last stanza. i think it went something along the lines of God was drunk while making us or something like that
6)wondered what happened to Vanila Ice, Jean-Claude van Damm,Chuck Norris and Steven Siegel. in that order. the last three used to be such good action stars. used being the key word.
7) wondered how someone who sang hit me baby one more time can now be married and ranting about time travelling . how the mighty(fine) have fallen.
8)wondered if ken watanabe was a pedophile and zhang zi yi has a thing for much much older men in memoirs of a geisha
9)tried to actually write a script about a guy who was raised as a gay but is actually a closet straight. then thought it sounded ridiculous. but then figured that if people can watch shit like the lakehouse, nine songs and some show about how 2 french chicks who get raped get so pissed off that they go on a rampage and kill men by seducing them first... i might have a chance to go to the cannes film festival. and yes.. i dont like homosexuals. i dont hate them either.
10) wondered for the thousandth time whether i should have done film instead of law. no resolution again this time
11) wonder why people dont really like enya and why she dosent get any airtime.
12) thought about the joke about the japanese,chinese and malaysian man who went to see God. The Japanese man asked God when Japan would win the world cup and God said in 50 years. The Japanese man started crying because he wouldnt live that long to see it come true. The chinese man asked the same question and God said 100 years. The chinaman cried like the jap for the same reasons. The Malaysian man when malaysia would win the world cup and God started crying. and i laughed.
13)wondered about which part of the body decomposes first when you die. an article in playboy said it was the penis. ouch. good thing im already dead then.
14)wondered how come there hasnt been a good hollywood big budget remake of Frank Herbert's Dune. it would beat the socks off Star Wars. Sorry Mr. Lucas but the idea of small little bear like creatures kicking the crap out of well trained Imperial "Stormtroopers" does not appeal to me. And the first and second episode sucks. so there.
15)wondered how come wonderwoman never got her own movie yet?
16)wondered why i always fall in love with the wrong women? from the ultra possesive, to the i-just-wanna-be-part-of-the-cool-crowd to the lesbian. shit. wait till i tell this to my kids. on that same vein, i really dont know how im going to cope with having a daughter, if today's yardsticks are anything to go by i'll go bald in no time. and no im not being a sexist. im being a realist.
17) wondered that, with the government being what it is, corrupt and prejudiced and a law unto themselves, why bother with elections?
18) wondered why did tupps blog in a comment of a blog. arent ironies lovely? its like being in love with a lesbian ala chasing amy.
19)wondered if i really sound like an indian on the phone. i cant help it if im a macha trapped in a chink body..
20) wondered if im wondering too much and not doing enough. like ending this blog and watching the simpsons which is on now. yeah.

see ya.

a lot of asides in an aside

alright. so the farewell post was a bit too premature. forgive this humble scribe if u will. was feeling really sensitive and emotional at the time. blame the dog. he gave me the saddest look in the world that kinda said "i know you're leaving" and then one thing led to another and i started thinking about my family and friends and the end result was that post. it could also be because of too much alcohol consumption that caused me to hallucinate that my dog was giving me that look. anyway disregard it for now and read it again when i really leave on the 13th of september. to my thai-english-chinese rojak brother...thanks tupps. how our bond began we will never know but a brother you are indeed. and yes, in regards to blogging and life, im angry, confused and undecided.. in that exact order although arent the last two really kind of the same thing?

i was thinking of doing that stupid putting-it-on-your-blog-will-make-people-think-you're-cool-because-you-answered-it-with-(supposed)-wit surveys (for..u know...fun... alright so i was bored and after seeing one porn you've seen them all... its all the same shit.. in out in out in out in out.. booooring) but then it struck me. isint it all a lil bit to cliched? telling everybody whats your favourite food,colour,what you would do in a particular situation or whats your favourite sex position(she can be the cowgirl...oh yeah...). what do u call it these days? a meme? how the hell are u supposed to pronounce that word anyway? it sounds like the scientific name of an intimate part of your body. i agree. the internet is a great technological advancement for mankind(that includes you ladies too... u feminist). information at your fingertips. unedited up-to-date news coverage(sorry cnn..but i dont think u copyrighted that. if u did..sorry). and free porn of course. but memes? i dont know if most of you are exhibitionist at heart but there are certain pieces of information i did like to keep to myself. is it any wonder why cases of people stalking other people are on the high? by telling people what are your dislikes and likes it would be so easy to get to you and the aftermath? well,it could all be the start of a beautiful friendship in a fairytale maybe(albiet a very modern technologically advanced one...haha...can you imagine snow white e-mailing/texting/podcasting videos of herself with just an apple to prince charming?what a stereotype... how do you know they're all charming or that all knights wear white and/or shining armour? do u know how much polish u need to get it shining? and imagine the poor girl. sun glasses weren't invented at the time. no wonder the always wore veils.) but you and i know that fairytales dont exists and in reality its just a fast track to stalking or worse a rape case or the worst, a rape cum murder case. in this country at least. criminals here would do anything as the newspaper headlines would show you these days. if they arent about what politician said what to/about each other. instead of talking how about really making a difference and providing a better, effective, non bribe taking police force? too many people, your electorate, have died for just a few measly ringgit. or because of someone's uncontrollable lust, or both. thats why, in my humble opinion of course, we should legalize prostitution and pornography. the singaporeans did it and do u see a high crime rate? i know a lot of friends and acquaintances who watch porn but do we do go around raping? so many questions to be asked but not a lot of people are willing to be accountable and answer such questions. oh...better watch what i say here too or they'll send me to Kamunting and detain me without my Constitutional rights because its seditious to tell the TRUTH.

im sorry. that rant was just so very off tangent from what i was originally trying to convey. living up to my billing of being confused and undecided i guess. i did throw in anger as well but that wasnt so much anger but frustration at how this country is being run and how humanity's worst enemy is it's insidious self. and dont get me started on whatever is going on in Lebenon. thats just plain senselessness(is that a word? like embiggens?its a simpson's insider joke in case u didnt get it) and thank God(though i doubt most Lebenese who have lost their homes and their loved ones will have too much to be thankful for) for the recent ceasefire. but the world being what it is today, im pretty skeptical that the fighting will stop. and in that same vein, all you protestors, do you thinks catchy chants and placards and your banners will really stop the war? it didnt work with iraq and afghanistan(which the world has almost forgotten now anyway) now did it? the Israelis and Hezbollah didnt really consult you when the bombs started dropping and the rockets started killing and they wont listen to you now. and do u really think that hopes and prayers and moral support are going to rebuild homes and bring back lives? you arent Isreali nor are you Lebenese so you dont know jack shit about what's going on over there. so quit blocking up the streets and do something more important. like volunteering to help or sending food and money and medicine over there and not coming up with catchy chants and fancy placards and banners. heh..dont get me started it seems.

anyway, coming back to memes(ugh...i dont even like saying that word) my stand towards it would be that its useless. but then thats just my stand. i guess some people really are just exhibitionist and more outgoing than some others(like me) and did really like for other people to know them better.. for better or worse. just.. dont over do it.. its fucking overdone and cliched..

music reviews; we are scientist are fucking good. nobody move nobody hurt(grammatically wrong title but good song), even though its being destroyed by radioland by them playing it over and over again. i did normally discourage listening to anything played by corporate radio but hey, it's a good song. imagine singing the chorus while walking down a school/college/university/ work corridor or anyway remotely crowded. haha. and try their other songs. a one hit wonder this band is not. strictly for indie fans. ironic that they have radio airplay, being indie and all, but if it puts food on the table and pays the bills, then goody. (re my last post a while back in regards to the difference between playing good stuff and getting money to pay the bills and playing crappy pop shit and getting paid to lie to the youth of today who are already poisoned with all this pop nonseense)

my body is your body
i wont tell anybody
if you wanna use my body
then go for it, yeah

yeah....to be sung in places where the people are conservative or if you're just bored and want to see other people's expressions. like church. hehe... on that same vein, adam could be the only guy to have to been said not to cheat on his girl, well...because... of the obvious. and if you dont count bestiality. yes yes. i'll save u a space in hell too.(why is bestiality spelt like that and not beAstialiy? how do u know then its about fornicating with a beast? its like what some uneducated person would say about the best so and so. eg "the concert was BESTiality done" or "the steak here is their BESTiality")

oh.. another song to be sung in public is bloodhound gang's three point one four. dont be a lazy fucker and expect me to type the lyrics here and go download it.

anyway i've rants till i can rants no more (sorry creators of popeye..but its 7 in the morning and all sorts of weird things are permeating through my mind right now. and btw; one can of spinach does not give you the strength to take on 20 guys. you fucking lying bastards)

catch another boring, innate rant of ju next, on the same irregular time and at the same unexciting,unartsy fucking fartsy, fancifully named website.

not a lot of love but enough to give to the ppl who matter the most.

farewell

i havent left home yet and already im homesick. i know what everyone says about going abroad to study/work. anywhere is better but here. there are more opportunities and everything is more equal and it'll be a good experience some shit along those lines. yeah, i agree with everything because its the plaine simple truth. but, me being me, i follow my heart and rarely my brains as most people who know me might attest. and home is where the heart is. the days are passing by like meaningless pillow talk, promising an unforgettable gala time shared with friends and family. yet its no use denying that each passing day brings me closer to my imposed exile in a foreign land. everything that is home is not taken for granted anymore. my room, the stand fan, the bed with bittersweet memories, the couch where i pass out into the sweet surrender of dreams and awake with bitter hangovers and a strained neck. my loyal companion idiot box. my other more prominent non human companion Hermes. the fellowship of loyal, wacky, considerate, insightful, memorable friends. missed but not forgotten. nay, never forgotten we band of brothers from different mothers. my family, though broken will always be my family, the home of my soul. you have the biggest place of all in the memory storage that is my heart. my father's guidance, my mother's concern, my sister's laughter and companionship, my relatives in general(aunties,uncles, grandparents on both sides and cousins) for their wise counsel and concern. to everyone, im sorry if i wasnt everything you wanted me to be but i damn well tried my hardest to be something close to it. and believe you me im going to make it even better now more than ever. all the memories of everyone that i have mentioned, you will keep me warm on many a cold night in a foreign land. we part for the moment but we will meet again soon enough. i love all of you in every sense of the word(except for the homosexual and incestuos way, obviously) i will miss everyone. i will miss my home. i will miss my heart.

im writing this farewell post because im feeling rather sensetive at the moment and i dont know when i will make another entry again.

fare thee well until we next meet again.