Thankful

18 days and counting. 18 fucking days left. thats 18 days to ship the shit back, clean the room like a motherfucker, claim the damage deposit, visit friends in Cardiff and generally see Bristol for the last time. Hopefully. Nothing against Bristol personally. Its a nice place to be at. Not too remote nor too distracting. Its not too bad by any account. But the only reason i would ever have to come back here would be for convocation in the hopeful event that i pass. or maybe i meet the girl of my dreams and she's Bristolian. Or I get a job here which pays exceptionally well. Fine, make that reasonS.

Anyway yes, back to Malaysia. Back to the sun, the heat, the food, the availability of food whatever the time, the family, the friends, the dog, and the general love of all the people(and the dog of course) that i get from them. Not that i dont feel any love here. i do. from different people on different degrees. Joyce for one. Really, without her here life would be so much more... i want to say miserable but i know that isint the suitable word... monotonous and joyless. She cooks for me and puts up with my whining and random annoying shit(most of the time anyway.. i do admit i do go to far sometimes and yes Joyce, you are welcome to tell me to shut the fuck up...every now and then). She was almost like sister to me here( yes chi.. you were almost replaced). A very big thank you and a hug Joyce, for generally being there for me. Further love(platonic) to Shah, Shafiq, Kev, Izalia and Cai Mei. I know im not the closes of friends with all of you but you have made my time here in Bristol bearable and i dare say enjoyable. Special thanks to Shafiq for taking me to Stamford Bridge. Twice! COME ON YOU BLUES! Shah, hahaha, good times, funny insults and general concern. Thanks. Kev, the same, Give it! Izalia, well, you were in London most of the time as well but thank you for..erm.. putting up with my general sillyness. Cai Mei, thank you for the pizzas!, among other things. Then there's Grace and Dee, two very special ladies to me though i dont often say or show it. Thanks for all the dinners and advice given and taken in stride. the advice not the dinners. I'll definately treat you two to dinner here or back in Malaysia since its been established that im cant be arsed to cook. Also platonic love to Chris and Ming Yang. Always calling me to come along to do stuff and have interesting smoking sessions. Thanks guys. And to Thiba, you're a really sweet girl, a slow eater yes, but a sweet girl nonetheless. Same applies to flat mate Milee.. Thank you so much for letting me watch TV and snacking on your food. And also to the Italian trip room mates, Karen, Marcus and Sern Wei, thanks for bringing me along the trip and also MUCH THANKS for all the dinners. I know i dont say much and i dont act out much but i do appreciate all thats been done for me. And remember someday that what goes around comes around and i will pay you back for everything. Sooner if not later. Thank you as well to the Cypriot, Mr Antonis. Glad to meet your acquiantance and hopefully i'll see you in Cyprus one day. MOLON LABE(cypriot/greek insider joke). I should say thank you as well to Toh Lee Kim though i doubt she will read this but what the hell, thank you so much for the mini tutoring during the exam period. Really helped.

If i missed anybody then im kinda sorry, but if i've forgotten you that means you dont really mean that much to me anyway. so yeah. big thank you also all the random strangers with random acts of kindness. In particular the guy who helped me 4 hours before EU exam and also to Victor(i think thats your name) for helping me 12 hours before Employment.

A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE MENTIONED. YOU'VE MADE MY TIME AT BRISTOL UNFORGETTABLE AND I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR FUTURE ENDEVOURS. AND IF FATE PERMITS, WE WILL BE ABLE TO MEET UP AGAIN.

Thank you very much.

mind the typos and apologies if i got any of your names wrong and for brief and vague descriptions of kindness, but i hope you all know im thankful for it, no matter how big or small that act of kindness was.

Because I Can

two blogs in a day. this leads to the assumption that im ; a) really really bored , b) feeling inspired or c) too full of myself. i dont know specifically which one category i fall in but i would like to think that its a combination of all 3 of the above but mostly leaning towards a) for im am just so fucking bored right now. bored to the extent that i have been packing my things even though my flight isint for another 20 days. i have also cleaned and my room and disposed of any unnecessary items, such as junk letters and spare useless notes and scribblings and doodlings and paper conversations with a bored classmate. i have also rewatched the entire 2nd season of American Dad and also watched the movie Lord of War, 3 times. yes, i am that bored. save me from the boredom oh patron saint of entertainment and stimulation.

speaking of saving, the main ratio for the writing of this blog is to address a certain someone who is in need of saving. not necessarily phsyically but emotionally. her plea reads : "I feel like i'm living in a world full of lies,lost hopes and unreal passion...I envy those who has the courage to push through all this and find wut they r really looking for...I have surrender all my senses, my trust and fantasies only to come across to wut i thought would not happen to me...I still am waiting for that shinning light to come carry me away...Even if it did come...i wonder will i have the stregth to carry on...Wud tat than be everlasting or is it juz another game?" (Verbatim). To this I answer, I can save you. I can be your shining light to take you away from the darkness that is the lies, lost hopes and unreal passion in your world. I will make you regain your trust and your fulfil your fantasies. And i know affairs of the heart are never to be played with lest we forget painful lessons of caution and jadedness. I will make you forget the pain. I can save you, Because I Can.

if words didnt really convey what i was saying, perhaps the above image will be more direct. and i did hold you close, even for just a moment. and though i didnt make a promise with my mouth and words, i made it with my heart. which counts for more than just empty words. i know, i know, we havent spoken in years and i only know you from brief moments. but brief moments were all you needed. You had me at "Can i borrow a pen?"

ok folks, enough of the sob story. i might get a huge sounding from joyce after this but... meh.. this is how i feel.

( image copyright of www.xkcd.com. go look see if u like math, romance and sarcasm. )

HAVE A GOOD DAY AND FREE YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS!

yes, im a little bit on crack this fine tuesday morning. just a little bit..

and, specially for Grace and numerous others who say i dont post much pictures on the blog...

WE LOVE YOU CHELSEA, WE DO, WE LOVE YOU CHELSEA, WE DO. WE LOVE YOU CHELSEA WE DO, OHHHH CHELSEA WE LOVE YOU!!!!

CAREFREE WHEREVER YOU MAY BE!

fine, so we didnt win the league, but we won two other cups, instead of just one. *Cue song "1 is the lonliest number"

filial

the only explanation i can give for the enforced absence is due to academic reasons, i.e. the fucking exams(sorry Grace, i find that using the word Fuck and its associated adjectives and adverbs the best way to express myself truly and freely without any restraints, plus i dont like using words like frigging and frick(scrubs inside joke) ). I can honestly say that i've never ever worked this hard in my life all for just a piece of paper. Nor do i intend to again, but you know how it goes with intentions, it never comes to fruitation. its never in your control. its just a mens rea but the actus reus of life and circumstances and fate, if you believe in it, conspire against intentions. You could read that as saying im spineless and not willing to carry on with what i set out to do, but then again i would say you're just naive and overly optimistic. not that that’s a bad thing of course. i envy you if you are. sadly i have a different outlook on life and yes, though self admittantly self deprecating, i would like to think im a realist. im not saying i view life as just a journey to the grave and nothing more and devoid of meaning. i know better than that and that life is beautiful. but its beautiful like a rose. with thorns. and i happen to pick a particularly prickly one. of course people have been dealt brambles in their life so i know im lucky to be where am i today. but then again, i dont take everything without a pinch of salt. unhealthy i know, but then that’s who i am. salty.

right then, to dispense with the lack of things to do plus post exam stress related to waiting for your results knowing that you might have fucked up one but hoping against hope that you didnt, i shall entertain myself with rant therapy. the above can be discounted as premature rantification. no thats not a real word. i looked it up. Interestingly labradoodle is a real word. and there is really a place called Fucking in Austria. useless knowledge you get from reading wikipedia articles and playing pub quiz games. Well, not really that useless if it can help you win 20 pounds.

so this is it then, the near end of the academic life, one foot into the real world, the market force, a part of the system. has it really been 22 years and counting? *clichéd words and phrases follow on how fast time flies. and there is fear in me as i step into a cold new world, and also a feeling of anticipation and nervous energy to go forth and make a living for myself. to be truly independent from my parents, who i intend to pay back every single cent given to me for my education and general upkeep expenses. i know without them i wouldn’t be where i am today. and it really frustrates and angers me when i see petulant kids who dont show their parents any respect. for fucks sake man/woman, you wouldnt be here without them and arent shit without them. and this further extends to "adults" who dump their parents in old folks home and leaves them for dead when they become a burden. Fuck all of you and fuck your circumstances. No circumstances can be an excuse for negligently neglecting your parents. ok, except maybe if they're incestuous and abuses but other than that its just.. wrong. no other word for it.. wrong. Confucius once said the most important value one can have is to be a filial child. im not a follower of Confucianism but that makes fucking sense and its something we all strive to have imbued within us and , hopefully and God willingly, in our kids. I dont mean to keep repeating myself but we are nothing without our parents and we should never ever forget them. They should be immortal in our memories and by extension to our kids i.e. their grand kids. If anyone reading this has lost a parent you have my full sympathy and im sorry if this piece has offended you in any way, but you should know more than the rest of us lucky ones how important parents are in our lives. So the next time you decide to scream at your parents for something you didnt get or do something that disappoints them, remember from whence u came from and who made you the person that you are today.

This piece is of course dedicated to the subject matter at hand, my parents, who i love very much and would do my utmost to make them proud of me. Yes, i do know that i have my flaws. I smoke, im jaded and i do sometimes do some things that i cant mention here for fear of persecution from the law and humiliation and of course disappointing you. But i hope that you know i would never do anything to hurt you anymore than i can help it and i truly love the both of you from the bottom of my heart even though i dont say it often enough but i hope my actions will show it and , i reiterate, i hope to make you proud of me.

i know its past mothers day and fathers day, but i dont need a specific date to show my parents love.

Thank you mom and dad. I love you

and thank you dear reader. I kinda love you as well though in a very platonic way and not at all gay.