Keinginan kembali ke roots aku

Saya tahu ini tidak pernah dibuat oleh ju-rants dan mungkin aku akan ada bebrapa kesalahan tatabahasa dan ejaan tetapi, fuck it, aku rasa nak buat

Apakah sebabnya saye berblogkan dalam bahasa melayu? Banyak sebab-sebab. Dah lama saya tidak bertulis sebuah karangan dalam bm dan saya berasa sedikit patriotik, especially since saya dah bertinggal di Brstol,UK untuk beberapa bulan dan dah lamanya tak berdengar orang berborak-borak dalam bm. Selain daripada itu, mungkin satu hari nanti saya akan bekerja dalam bidang undang dan mungkin I need to hand in a submission in bm. Tuan tuan dan puan puan boleh observe that sekarang ini adalah sebuah masalah as I cant fucking write in bm let alone form a fucking coherent sentence

Well, that ambitious project was short lived. Im so fucked, then, if I eventually practice in Malaysian law and the judge is really anal about speaking in bm when he fails to realize that most of the law taught, in Malaysia or England, is in fucking English. Yes yes, so I have a 3B in my spm for bm, whoop fucking doo. As you can see from the failed attempt above, the grade isint that well deserved now innit? Which brings me then to my next point. Is English the only language that im fluent in then? We can disregard Chinese. I cant speak it for nuts, including my family dialect, Hokkien. Jesus no. When I try to engage a conversation in Chinese or try to join one, I do get fucking lost and yeah, its really a bitch not be able to participate. Worse thing is this is my mother tongue and I cant fucking speak it. I have tried. God knows I have. Mandarin classes,where the tutor was very anal about speaking mandarin the “proper” way, with the tongue rolling and all that and which to me was really silly and hence I dropped out of it. I have tried to have some semblance of speaking Hokkien with my one remaining Hokkien grandmother and at this task to I have failed. I do try to see the old dear as much as I can but you know how it goes, what am I going to say? And how many times can I listen to “don’t get a girlfriend now, get your degree and get a job and then girls will come flocking and etc etc. u know, the normal grandmotherly banter. There was a time when I could understand what she was saying and could answer her back in Hokkien. Nowadays, I have to rely on my aunty as the translator. I do catch a few words here and there, especially when she say study hard and get a job and girls will come running to you. I will refrain from putting the transcript here for the benefit of those who don’t speak Hokkien and also, I really don’t know how to phonetically spell it. I’ve watched countless amounts of Chinese films and yes, sometimes I do stop and rewind a scene to listen to the dialogue and then repeat it myself to try and learn the phrase. But with a brain which is sometimes akin to that of a goldfish, I forget and thus don’t remember the phrase. I have tried with various friends to ask them to try to tutor me in Chinese but again it has come to naught as I switch back to English time and time again. Which all leads down to the conclusion that im really ashamed of myself. I admit I do feel some racial pride. Im proud to be Chinese. But its fucking hypocritical when I cant speak the language myself eh? It dosent count when you can count one to ten and say a few curse words and phrases. True, at this point and time being fluent in English is an advantage to me but, fuck, imagine walking in to Chinese restaurant and not being able to order. And this in turn affects my taste in women as well. If you can speak fluent, clear and precise English then baby girl, im half yours. Coming back to the point though, im ashamed not to be in touch with my roots. I preach non discrimination against races and that includes my own race. But how can that be when I lose touch with it? Have I become a product of colonialism and bad parenting? I should endeavour to get back in touch with my roots but damnit, its so hard to, especially now. I look at those fluently multi lingual and I feel so ashamed of myself. ASHAMED!
God, please send me the girl of my dreams which will be able to help me get back in touch with my roots or failing that, grant this lost Chinese boy’s dreams of getting back to his roots. I do want to be multi lingual. I do want to speak as many languages as I can. But I cant even proceed if I don’t even have the basics covered.

In this there is an epiphany towards my life. Have I strayed so far from the original plot that I don’t know who I am anymore or why im here? Im questioning my existence ever so often that its becoming scary. I know, I should just chill. But maybe I’ve chilled enough? Maybe I need more direction in life but I’ve lost the compass? I don’t know the answer to these questions try as hard as I might to seek them. But then this, all this, will have to wait. The time for academic grinding has arrived and thou shan’t hear from this scribe anytime soon. Unless aku berasa nak bertulis dalam wah eh blog. Papoh and cho san. Ia dah morning for me and I have to go for class. .And for tupps, savadeekap

random thoughts not relating to subject rant:
when the wind blows against the protagonist/random hottie/bollywood movie, its looks good kan? But trust me, its fucking overated when the wind's going at 30 mp/h. i dont care how good you look or how the winds does that movie thingy with the hair, you dont wanna be out there.

being cool and being and outcast are the same sides of the different coin. both need to stand out from the masses. but then again, havent you ever thought of just being one of the masses? why this need to be different or special from the rest of us? ironically, its because the masses, society, dictates as such. what makes us different from one another is the dreams and ambitions. but then again dont we all have that in us? that being so, arent u part of the human society then? its akin to an ouroboros; a snake eating its own tail. you crave so much to be different to the norm that you forget that you are the norm. you're just human.

chance encounters at a club/bar dont end well, even when you're sober.

the ever loving , and easy on the eyes after reading such a long assed nonsensical and condescending but surprisingly mutli lingual rant , end.