Park induced thoughts

there's a park on top of a hill in TTDI. It was first brought to my knowledge by Joyce. Her emo spot as she callled it. A place to think. I have co-opted this spot and it has now become my emo spot. Here are the results of my reflections and so called revelations

I don't actually love anyone. When I mean love I don't familial love. That's a given. I don't mean friendship and brotherhood either. No, I'm talking about a "love" between your significant other. My current pursuit of the Ivory Tower Dweller has come to naught. I mean, the fact that to even get you out of your house requires so much work and cooperation from outside parties speaks volumes about your character. I know everything there is about you, but you're still a stranger to me. It dawned upon me, upon a cloud of smoke luminescent in the street light that I don't love you, but I love the idea of you. I love, nay want, the love, companionship and all that good stuff that reputedly comes from a relationship. Quite simply, I'm sick and tired of being alone. But then why the need to want you? To keep hoping against hope that you'll one day magically realize that I was always there waiting for you? Upon honest reflection, Im keeping the hope because there is simply no other pursuit, and I dread to be hopeless. You are basically the Alpha and Omega of my non love life. And I feel that that's unfair. Unfair that I should limit myself to you and unfair to you because you don't know what is it that you want. Or more precisely, you're afraid to want. Can't say that I blame you. Lots of baggage. But it's a bit hypocritical to always claim to wait for your White Knight while a real one waits for you to descend your Ivory Tower. The fact is, I'm the best you got but don't want. And I guess it's time to do a chinaman and cut my losses and move on, hard as it may be. It feels like being cast in the sea with nothing but driftwood to cling on to. And it's slowly disintegrating.

I had another paragraph before this regarding the church burnings, but when i read it back it sounded pretty much like reactive and angry rhetoric that would make me no better than the crazies hurling petrol bombs at churches. I've not been known in recent times to be a big fan of God/Jesus/Allah/Buddha/Jehovah/Yahweh/Vahiguru/Krishna/Vishnu/Kali/Xemu/Bob the Annointed/ The Big Man. I suppose He gives everyone else a sense of hope and belief. He never did for me despite trying to be a good person. Big I believe in Him/Her/It nonetheless despite my misgivings. So what actually disturbs me about the burnings is the fact that it's actually happening. I mean, yes, the signs have been there. The rhetoric, the thinly veiled pseudo racists religious threats being made to the gallery. But for the much touted 1Malaysia multi racial mutli religious harmony peace love and brotherhood song and dance, it was something we could all get behind for once, despite it being just a song and dance. I guess it just caught me off guard, this sudden and violent realization of the harsh truth of the matter. We are all just racist pricks and the dream of a Malaysian Malaysia crashed and burned like the churches. We live in a country where the walls of "trying to live with each other harmoniously despite our differences" has been brought crumbling down and no matter what happens next, things will never be the same. The Malaysia I grew up in died on Friday. We can all hold hands now and sing Cumbayah(Yes, I've read the newspaper. Muslims and non Muslims alike are being united in condemnation), but the Malaysian psyche has been shattered. Fringe or not, it still happened. There are actually Malaysians who believe they are the master race and they will enforce the point with force and terror. Where and what does that leave the rest of us? Hope? Unity? It's hard to have hope and unity when churches are burning and cows heads are being kicked and spat upon. I used to think that, despite the misgivings( and by defining the fucked up shit that happens here as mere misgivings is already being generous) we at least had the freedom of religion. It seems even that thought now has to come under some revision.

There. I said my piece on both issues. Im pretty sure the latter can be more articulated and rational but hey, if I could have done that I would have been a writer. Oh...wait... I meant a GOOD writer. There are plenty of other good writers out there having their say on this issue, and probably sounding much better, but hey, its not like anyone reads this blog anyway.