random+bored

the fucking CLP's done with. I theoretically do not have to sit for an academic exam ever again in life. And how do i feel about that? Fucking numb is what i feel. I don't feel like celebrating, i don't feel like partying, I don't feel like hopping and skipping to the comic store like a love sick school girl that just got laid and wasn't raped in the process, to buy a fuck load of comics that I have been denying myself for the sake of studying for an exam that has a quota system on the passing rate to keep non Malays out of the legal profession, because they're already too many of us that are keep fucking them up politically. I don't feel like going for a road trip to an island just for the fucks of it because i want to see the sea and play on the beach like I was 10 again and watch the sunset while having a beer and being in the company of good friends. I really don't feel like doing anything actually. I don't know if it's because my brain doesn't know how to react after a month of studying everyday and 1 and a 1/2 weeks of sleep deprivation because, instead of studying for the exams much, much earlier, I adopted the typically Malaysian attitude of putting it off till the last fucking minute when its fucking too late and the balls start to shrink because you realize you have to cover material thats the size of 20 Lord of the Rings trilogy books. And if you're a well read person/ fantasy geek, you'll know thats a lot. Other than that numbness, here I am then, blogging on a blog that nobody reads. Oh, sorry, its read but because its too long winded and complicated no one bothers to come back.Plus it doesn't have pictures. Exceptions apply of course. I'm basically just typing whatever comes into my head right now, the extent of my boredom being as such. I'm still desperately in need of a fuck, but there's a feeling of, why bother. Its not like im going to get some anytime soon. Unless im paying. And i don't want to spend money for a 2 hours experience when i can spend it on a comic book that i can reread whenever i want to. Plus, i mean, i've said it so many times it become fucking redundant. And fuck, i just mentioned it again. I've been told that im "no longer fun". As in im not so easily satisfied or stimulated with doing activities which i once found fun and interesting to do. I wonder why? What changed? Has all the emotional trauma really taken its toll on me even though i tell myself differently to make it seem like im strong but im not? I guess so then if im "no longer fun". I also feel that blog ranting therapy is no longer helping me and i would like to go for psychiatric help but then again, the same argument would apply to the sex argument. I don't want to fucking pay for it. Which means, ergo, i dont want to change and thus its useless to rant. Its useless to want to change but not fucking do anything about it. Its useless to bitch. Its useless to have this blog. Its useless to write what i feel in here because i dont fucking feel any better after i've ranted . yes, i lied then in the past. Im in a fucking rut. We're the all singing, all dancing crap of the world. Not original i know, but hey, if i was fucking original i would have done something with art or the movies instead of law.

I don't care about comments. As far as im concerned, it doesn't exist. Not that i cant handle positive and constructive criticism. I just don't care basically. Because i wouldn't take your comments to heart, whether positive or negative. Masuk telinga kiri keluar telinga kanan. Sorry. Like i said, i don't care.

limbo

in a limbo. and im not talking about the fucking game. im not that flexible anyway and would probably break my back if i attempted to limbo. anyway, in this rare space of time i can get away from the fucking mire that is the CLP to blog, i.e. relax my mind, take a break, to just fucking rant and let some exam pressure/stress go.

why a limbo? i dont know. it could be the fact that i really dont care if pass this time or not. i really dont. it was a stupid, uninformed decision on my part to choose and even continue to do the CLP in the first place, so i guess bitching and moaning now, with a paper in less than 15 hours away, about why im still taking it. See, thats point. Im "trying my best" right now. i.e. studying everything a day before the exams. Going through all the stress that is usually associated with exams. but like i said, i couldnt give two flying shits if i pass the exams or not. i mean, fuck it, i just didnt and dont have the interest anymore. Im burnt out and just... in a fucking rut. Not to mention that im desperately in need of a good fuck and masturbation just doesn't fucking cut it anymore. A meaningful relationship would help too but all interested parties currently have other interest and engagements to attend to. i. fucking. e they're already taken or have different sexual preferences. in short, this fucking loneliness is not fucking helping the situation. On the CLP, fuck it, it been proven that there's a fucking quota and only 10-20% of applicants pass it because the fucking government, if its not raising oil prices or blowing up mongolians or having anal sex, wants to keep the fucking non bumis i.e. me, out of the one fucking profession they know that if not racially segregated, will come and bite them in the ass should someone in the profession get "politically active". well, on my part, fuck politics, i just want to fucking earn some money to help put my as yet unborn kids to school. ohh.. wait.. that aint in line with government policy.

and in regards to love and relationships.. and this excludes platonic and familial levels, it just dosent fucking exist. i think that if we arent related or known each other for fuck knows how long, we are just out there to fucking hurt each other because we're selfish. dont believe me? read the fucking news and open your eyes around you. love is dead. long live indifference... ok fine. dont believe me. im just a fucking cynic who's stressed up and burnt out and slightly horny.

yeah..so its back to the books again. and i dont feel fucking better. and not having a cigarette just fucking aggravates the situation even more.

fucking off now.

right back at you

so i guess its safe to say that not a lot of people are reading this here blog. this, then, is an excellent opportunity to be able to let off some pent up frustration towards a few individuals and to life in general. yes, i bitch. hence the need for there to be this fucking blog. at least i dont live in fucking denial and pretend that everything is alright when its fucking obvious its not. no, im not mentally as strong as you to be able to soldier on and keep everything in. i just... need to get a few things off my chest.

to YL, i know its not really fair of me to impose on you but your reaction was totally uncalled for. its just a goddamned book and not a fucking wedding ring or my right ear.Please.. i may be love sick but im not fucking blind to the fact that you and your current beau arent going to be breaking up anytime soon and even if that were the case, that small miniscule chance that your realize what an ass he is and you finally wake up and dump him, what makes me think im the fucking one for you? please, i learned to give up hopes and dreams a long time ago. we're just friends yeah? so why should a book make you all hot and bothered? its nothing but a book. no fucking intentions whatsoever. so.... yeah... fucking meet up with me for lunch already.

to M, goddamned... 8 years of... connecting for want of a better word... and you keep pulling the same shit over and over again. and i dont fucking get where the fucking devotion keeps coming from? i mean, is she that great? she fucking dosent understand you, that goes without saying. but i guess if i scratch under the surface, im just fucking bitter that you can put so much fucking effort into trying to make that relationship work while i was just a fucking... i dont know what i was or am to you honestly. why couldnt you at least put half of the effor you're putting in now on ours? i just feel fucking short changed you know, after all the shit i have done for you. yeah, we're friends... i understad you, you can talk to me, well and good... we have an understanding beyond words. but sometimes, just sometimes, i just feel so.. , i dont know. i already said it.. short changed.. and i dont understand. and dont think i ever shall. our currentl platonic relationship is a rubics cube i cant solve. but then again, i dont think i've ever given up trying to solve a rubics cube. note. i havent finished the one i bought last week.

to G, fuck, this is what i really wanted to say to you all those times. you're just a really ugly person underneath that beautiful shell of yours. you dont have a spine of your own and i would have really appreciated it if you just fucking told me what was wrong or at least even a fucking "look, i dont like you, fuck off" would have been acceptable. the fact that you fucking just turned away without even saying a word to me while everyone else heard your fucking lies just really fucking hurts. get off your pedestal, grow a backbone for once in your life, and fucking tell me straight to my face what the fuck is your damage is with me instead of the fucking backstabbing and silent treatment you cowardly spineless weakling.

to VP, god, you were just so fucking possesive is it any wonder that we fucking broke up?who the fuck were you to demand that i stop spending time with my dad so i could talk to you. your fucking threatend me with break ups and all that fucking immature nonsense and for what? just to talk to someone you've never even seen before? stop saying i was the bastard and look in the fucking mirror bitch.

yes... most of this rant was directed to most of the women who were part of my life. just thought i did give my side of the fucking slanted stories for once and tell all of them... "right back at you." yes i know, the best answer here would be to fucking forget these people and move on with life right? well, this is kind of moving on therapy. you know, like writing what you did say to someone in a letter but never sending it? so some over priced shrink can tell you that you had a troubled childhood and that you're odepius reborn. anyway.. yeah.. this is my way of feeling better and getting rid of pent up frustration angst and anger. and i didnt have to spend 50,000 to do it.

you must have realized that my blog posts are all purely esoteric, non picture, non video, and completely fucking rubbish. and thats the way i fucking like it.

sorry grace, guess i cant stop swearing like a sailor. or angst ridden bastard. or both. angst ridden sailors...

comment wise... i did be happy to enteratain all questions and answer all criticisms and defend to the fullest all my notions of justice and righteousness and dolphins. i do not entertain penis enlargement ads though

as always, mind the spelling typos and abuse of grammar. thank you

A woman's ode to me

Alanis Morissette- Uninvited

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate sight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd meet shepherd
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate sight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate sight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

God is a dick

just wish He did cut me some fucking slack for once in my life.

Yeah im selfish. Deal with it

re post dated june 6/7/07

this post i going to be an esotoric one but then again its not like a lot of you get what im really saying most of the time anyway.

having read that post, i suppose you have a right to get freaked. i mean, putting yourself in your shoes i would too. imagine someone you havent seen in years suddenly reappears in your life again and declares an interest and fondness in you while you're still in a strong and stable relationship with a significant other. by all means, getting freaked would be a totally reasonable response. on my part though, there isint much that i cant say that isint said, if you get the oxymoron in that. you cant be together with me and vice versa. im just lovesick yes but im not blind. it wont happen anytime soon and, looking at the strength of your current relationship, i dare say never. i guess u could say i was waxing lyrical and hoping against hope when i said u needed to be saved from that relationship. fuck, what do i know? absolutely nothing. all i hear is hearsay and make my own assumptions which i know is wrong of me to do because what you do or who you date in your life is really none of my business and i really wouldnt know any better. so thus, you need not be afraid or freaked. i know its not going to happen. and we can leave it at that and still be friends or we can take the inevitable road i always take and watch what little retlations and communications we have and watch it all fade away into nothing but a fond memory. Personally the latter choice would be most preferrable but i leave that to you and fate

this isint goodbye, its just a statement of the stance im taking and the choices available. i cant kid myself by chanting the mantra that im strong and i can forget you as ever being more than a friend and saying goodbye. like i said in the post mentioned in the title, you really make me happy in ways you would never know, nor would i tell you to maintain your happy status quo.no, you arent the bad person. you're just living your life your way. if anyone is the villian here its me for wanting another man's woman. and this whole wanting is tearing away at the bastion that is my principles.

i guess what im really trying to say is that the truth is out there, i really like you. im not using the words love here because its a very strong word that i rarely use nowadays because it can mean so much more than just 4 letters. and technically i dont really know you to say i love you, but you're the only girl i know who has never been cruel to me that isint a relative.whether or not thats a good justification or not i dont know but i dont think at this point and time it would really matter. i like you a lot, and until such time where i find the perenial "one" i stand by it. i dare not place such hopes that you are the one because it just hurts too much when hopes and dreams are eventually crushed by bitter reality. but what is a man if he does not have hopes and aspirations right?

till and when and if you read this dear girl, i wont say a thing. just know that if ever fate would be so kind as to smile on the two of us one day, i would be the happiest man in the world. but until that day my dear heart, i'll be here as a friend. and nothing more.

okay. you can start with the "OMG just, get a grip of your emo self etc etc etc" comments now. if people still read this blog that is.

#64

i cant believe im back here again. wondering where i've been? living. thats what i've been doing, or at least attempting to be doing at this current state of mind. i simply just do have anything to bitch and moan and gripe about and hence nothing to rant about. that is, until now. That is the main problem i think. having nothing. nothing to be passionate about. nothing... exciting... for want of a better word. oh yeah sure, im still single and desperately available, im still studying, which is to say doing the CLP( the Malaysian Bar examination for those of you unaware or too ignorant to know what it is), the government is still shit and thus was so proven on November 10th 2007 recently (syabas BERSIH) and i still do not like lesbians. Ok, maybe that needs a bit of rephrasing. I dont mind lesbians as people but I do not like the idea of lesbianism and i fucking hate watching lesbian porn now(yes, neurosis due to past trauma is still there but im glad to say less severe, i hope) . That is to say, nothing has fucking changed for me. Im, quite simply put, in a fucking rut. Sure, sure, no one to blame but myself you say. I mean, i try to fucking socialize, try to go out more often, do something different, like you know, badminton or jogging or getting politically active and involved and all that different "stimulating" stuff. Then why the fuck do i still come back everyday to this fucking empty shell that is my life feeling depressed and useless and a smidge of lonliness? i have friends, i have contact with the outside world, i try to think im alright, content. Then why the fucking rut? Shit, with the fucking CLP i dont have the fucking time to get depressed and yet here we are my dears. fucking all washed up without having been worn in the first place. Why? The question echoes in a lonly dark cave without any reply or witty remark that my semi schizophrenic brain might conjure. Has even that come into a fucking rut? Its one thing to be depressed for a reason, rational or irrational, but its fucking frustrating not know what is the source of the depression. I try to put up a brave front, hey everythings alright, im just happy to be here, of course i'll fucking be polite to you even though i think you're the scum of my world. Sometimes the effort to be someone else is just too much to bear and i just want to lash out for no fucking reason at all at anything, or worse, anybody. I dont want to be the actor. i just want to be me but i fear to be me. i fear to be lonely. i fear the demons that still dwell within and i fear the skeletons. i fear to be afraid.

but hey, here i am again. putting on a front like i dont give a fuck. i dont. but then again you dont know who's talking to you, do u?

Hello, I love you

I wont lie. There are just certain days where I feel like killing myself. Some days where I question my existence and purpose in life. Here or back home, there just those days you know? I find that i’m experiencing those days ever so often now in recent times. Yes I know, I generally have that semi happy don’t give a shit nothing can phase me look on my face most of the time, and yeah, mostly I do, but sometimes, some days, its honestly gets the better of me and I descend into a mire of melancholy and misapplied logic to life in general, love specifically. But you, you, my dear, dear sweet woman to be saved,*CORNY ALERT* It turns out you were my saviour all along. When we talk, which is rare and infrequent but an occurrence nonetheless, you just take it all away. The doubts, the worries, the insecurities, the loneliness (well, you kinda share that duty with Tupps, he comes online more than you). You give me, something; I don’t know what it is exactly. Belief? A pinch of hope which hopefully isn’t leading me down to the familiar road of the big let down? I did tell myself to be cautious and tread lightly, but with you, it can’t be helped. It must be helped for fear of relapsing into depression. Anyway, you just, make me smile. You make me happy. You keep the darkness away and the skeletons in the closet with brilliant radiance. I want to say you complete me but I shall refrain from doing so for fear of a corny bashing and Joyce vomiting blood again, if she hasn’t already. I know not whether this a random attack of fondness which is unfounded or a genuine outpouring of emotions, it cant be said to be mutual because of the separation through the years. Whatever it might eventually be discovered to be, thank you. Sincerely from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much.

Thank you as well Tupps. Your random questions are slowly becoming very disturbing… but thank you for keeping me sane in this time of boredom and depression and social isolation. Sometimes it sucks to be a wallflower kan? But it sometimes has its uses as well. This time im afraid it’s the former. Mayhaps a temporary status quo? All shall be resolved in the coming days. The prodigal son will return.

I don’t know what the fuck that was all about but meh(shrugs in words), its 7 am in the morning and I haven’t had any sleep yet. Nor will I anytime soon.

Finally, this song is an ode to all the ladies walking down the street and looking fine… and of course it could be to specific ladies in my life.. so .without further ado.. Mr. Jim Morrison ,if you will;

The Doors
Hello, I love you
Waiting for the sun

Hello,
I love you
Won't you tell me your name
Hello
I love you
Let me jump in your game

She's walkin' down the street
Blind to every eye she meets
Do you think you'll be the guy
To make the queen of the angels sigh

Hello,
I love you
Won't you tell me your name
Hello
I love you
Let me jump in your game

She holds her head so high
Like a statue in the sky
Her arms are wicked and her legs are long
When she moves my brain screams out this song

Hello,
I love you
Won't you tell me your name
Hello
I love you
Let me jump in your game

Sidewalk crouches at her feet
Like a dog that begs for somethin' sweet
Do you hope to make her see, you fool
Do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel


Music therapy is the best.

Your ever sleep deprived and bored but sincere scribe,
Ju.

Thank you. I like that word. I like thanking people. Its polite and people get a warm fuzzy feeling of having done something nice.

Because i can redux

feeling really uninspired to blog now. The only thing that sustains me, in this time of absolute boredom coupled with social isolation while awaiting for the departure date leaves one melancholic and questioning simple principles and making them too complex in the end. Music sustains me along with conversations with Tupps and nicotine and instant noodles. Anyway, the only thing which i can look to with a smile in the weeks since the last post was the re-establishment of communication with the one to be saved. The ice of the long years apart begin to melt and a slow process of rebuilding broken bridges begins. Damn english lit for making us pomp and melodramatic with our words, actions and thoughts. Anyway, i'll take the posting-a-song-lyrics-route here since i dont really have anything else to say. This song here, i finally get it and see the personal connection to my current situation in regards to saving a certain someone. I'll let Michelle Branch do the talking from this point on.

Michelle Branch
All you wanted
The Spirit Room

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you and I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold
And you needed someone to show you the way
So I took your hand
And we figured out that when the time comes I'd take you away

If you want to I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly so hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone

If you want to I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know I'll be there

If you want to I can save you
I can take you away from here(I can take you away)
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone



yeah, if you would care to do the analysis here please. it a bit straightforward this one.

Thankful

18 days and counting. 18 fucking days left. thats 18 days to ship the shit back, clean the room like a motherfucker, claim the damage deposit, visit friends in Cardiff and generally see Bristol for the last time. Hopefully. Nothing against Bristol personally. Its a nice place to be at. Not too remote nor too distracting. Its not too bad by any account. But the only reason i would ever have to come back here would be for convocation in the hopeful event that i pass. or maybe i meet the girl of my dreams and she's Bristolian. Or I get a job here which pays exceptionally well. Fine, make that reasonS.

Anyway yes, back to Malaysia. Back to the sun, the heat, the food, the availability of food whatever the time, the family, the friends, the dog, and the general love of all the people(and the dog of course) that i get from them. Not that i dont feel any love here. i do. from different people on different degrees. Joyce for one. Really, without her here life would be so much more... i want to say miserable but i know that isint the suitable word... monotonous and joyless. She cooks for me and puts up with my whining and random annoying shit(most of the time anyway.. i do admit i do go to far sometimes and yes Joyce, you are welcome to tell me to shut the fuck up...every now and then). She was almost like sister to me here( yes chi.. you were almost replaced). A very big thank you and a hug Joyce, for generally being there for me. Further love(platonic) to Shah, Shafiq, Kev, Izalia and Cai Mei. I know im not the closes of friends with all of you but you have made my time here in Bristol bearable and i dare say enjoyable. Special thanks to Shafiq for taking me to Stamford Bridge. Twice! COME ON YOU BLUES! Shah, hahaha, good times, funny insults and general concern. Thanks. Kev, the same, Give it! Izalia, well, you were in London most of the time as well but thank you for..erm.. putting up with my general sillyness. Cai Mei, thank you for the pizzas!, among other things. Then there's Grace and Dee, two very special ladies to me though i dont often say or show it. Thanks for all the dinners and advice given and taken in stride. the advice not the dinners. I'll definately treat you two to dinner here or back in Malaysia since its been established that im cant be arsed to cook. Also platonic love to Chris and Ming Yang. Always calling me to come along to do stuff and have interesting smoking sessions. Thanks guys. And to Thiba, you're a really sweet girl, a slow eater yes, but a sweet girl nonetheless. Same applies to flat mate Milee.. Thank you so much for letting me watch TV and snacking on your food. And also to the Italian trip room mates, Karen, Marcus and Sern Wei, thanks for bringing me along the trip and also MUCH THANKS for all the dinners. I know i dont say much and i dont act out much but i do appreciate all thats been done for me. And remember someday that what goes around comes around and i will pay you back for everything. Sooner if not later. Thank you as well to the Cypriot, Mr Antonis. Glad to meet your acquiantance and hopefully i'll see you in Cyprus one day. MOLON LABE(cypriot/greek insider joke). I should say thank you as well to Toh Lee Kim though i doubt she will read this but what the hell, thank you so much for the mini tutoring during the exam period. Really helped.

If i missed anybody then im kinda sorry, but if i've forgotten you that means you dont really mean that much to me anyway. so yeah. big thank you also all the random strangers with random acts of kindness. In particular the guy who helped me 4 hours before EU exam and also to Victor(i think thats your name) for helping me 12 hours before Employment.

A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE MENTIONED. YOU'VE MADE MY TIME AT BRISTOL UNFORGETTABLE AND I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR FUTURE ENDEVOURS. AND IF FATE PERMITS, WE WILL BE ABLE TO MEET UP AGAIN.

Thank you very much.

mind the typos and apologies if i got any of your names wrong and for brief and vague descriptions of kindness, but i hope you all know im thankful for it, no matter how big or small that act of kindness was.