Relationships are really complicated machinations and devices of the human heart. That goes without saying. I should know. or rather, more accurately, based on my one experience which totally scarred me to the brink of insanity, I think i should know. But that's the whole problem isn't it? I don't know. My first love turned out to be the be all and end all of what i know about love. And honestly, if you know me at all, its a rather bleak assessment. I mean most first loves dont last, but from what i've seen, they dont end with you breaking everything within sight, bloodying your hands from punching the wall and self scarification. It was the first time i called my dad and confided in him something so personal. See, my father hasnt lived in the same roof as me since i was 11 and we didnt have this father- son- you- can- talk- to- me- about- anything bond since then. I keep my thoughts to myself mostly. So you can imagine how much that incident fucked me up till the extent i had to call my father. Because honestly, i had no one else to turn to at the time who could have shown me unconditional love but my father. Since then, I would like to say that I have matured a little more. No more breaking things, intentionally anyway. No more bloodying hands unless if its during cricket or helping with a DIY project. And no more self scarification. I have my degree now, and im part of the work force. My life is pretty much on track except for a few minor setbacks such as a tv with busted speakers, a bad smoking habit, a slight phobia of driving in busy streets and could- do- better financial status. Oh, and the fact that im just utterly fucking confused about the women in my life(the-platonic-looking-towards-a- relationship women), namely for M and CS. No, you dumb shit, im not talking about Megaman or Counter Strike.
Recently, as you're all aware, I have begun to my quest to woo the fair maiden CS from her Ivory tower of Self Isolation. My efforts so far have been hampered by her unwillingness to be more open to my advancements to move beyond the friend zone and, in all honesty, its getting a little bit exasperating. Unreadable intentions are merely the tip of the iceberg with this one folks. More recently however, I have managed to rekindle relations with M as well. Remember that whole story about first love ending in bloody fists and broken furniture and all that good stuff? Yeah, meet the cause of all it. I shan't go into further detail as i already have in the past and its still a little bit too painful to be revisiting old scars to be honest. Strangely enough, i still find that, even after all the pain she caused, mentally as well as physically self caused due to mental instabilities, we are actually quite good friends. The comfort level is amazing, and its one i wish i could have shared with past attempts at love. And therein lies the root of this confusion. I have honestly wanted to close the chapter with M, which explains why i pursued every new attempt with a gusto unseen that it might come off as trying too hard. Well, guess what sister? I fucking was. Obviously it doesn't work and you know, after being single for so long you just get to the same fucking routine of flower picking. Is she the one, Is she not the one. Is she the one, Is she not the one. Im still single and i dread this feeling of being alone and being unable to share my joys, what little of it there is, with a significant other. And to confound this conundrum i did a Chasing Amy with M the other day, without the eventual getting together and discussions of finger cuffing. Which again, makes me wonder if my feelings for CS are really as strong as i thought it was. Could it be she is again a victim of the ChapterClosing syndrome? Could it be that im just a really lonely person and couldnt help myself? Could it be that despite everything i just want that comfort level again even though it earns me scorn and rejection from others dear to me? Could it be that they're making a live action movie of the comic Green Lantern? Ok, the last question wasn't really that relevant to the current issue. The fact is, im just very confused right now.
I want old comforts in a new experience and new comforts with old experiences. But pursuing both just fucking sucks because the end product of rejection from both is something i dont think i can handle and the days of bloody hands and broken inanimate objects might resurface again. No.. not something i want at all
You know, im just so bloody sorry i cant talk about issues that are more serious thats affecting the world like Israel and Gaza or the economic crisis. Unlike the currently discussed problems, those are situations i cant do shit about so why the fuck should i give my two cents when there are more "qualified" people who have already given theirs for top dollar? And yes, im happy, thank you very fucking much, except i seem to have this problem with women so if you dont mind letting me get back to my perfectly imperfect world and you just go back to your perfect little made up plastic world where everything was given to you because you were just so fucking blessed with everything while i got the shit end of things because, i dont know, maybe God thinks you're better than me, or its just because daddy was always there for you or you know you're just so fucking good looking that you get chicks/dudes left and right while my chicks are my left and right.......... we're going to get along just fine.
allworkandnolovemakejuadullboy allworkandnoplaymakejuadullboy allworkandnolovemakejuadullboy allworkandnoplaymakejuadullboy
allworkandnolovemakejuadullboy allworkandnoplaymakejuadullboy
sorry, that was my homage to the shining. brilliant show that one....
and yes i deliberately made this post long so that people would be turned off by and and wont read it. Did it work?
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2 comments:
hahaha read it till the very end. hence the reply to your question.
chin up!
You know Jools, for the moment being and perhaps for a while more, I will never know why people dread being single so badly. But from your perspective, at least I can say that I do understand what it is that you're trying to convey.
Worlds self made are full of monsters and demons.
Obviously you've not gotten to do more than cast the first stone and as the way these things usually go, it quite depends on the luck of the draw. Not so much with the flowers which you pick but more towards how beautiful those flowers eventually become.
Sometimes chapters can end without a single sentence being written but even as I say that good sir, I implore you not to close your book before everything is carefully said and painstakingly done.
"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes one feel as you might when a drowning man holds unto you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic." - Anais Nin
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