#64

i cant believe im back here again. wondering where i've been? living. thats what i've been doing, or at least attempting to be doing at this current state of mind. i simply just do have anything to bitch and moan and gripe about and hence nothing to rant about. that is, until now. That is the main problem i think. having nothing. nothing to be passionate about. nothing... exciting... for want of a better word. oh yeah sure, im still single and desperately available, im still studying, which is to say doing the CLP( the Malaysian Bar examination for those of you unaware or too ignorant to know what it is), the government is still shit and thus was so proven on November 10th 2007 recently (syabas BERSIH) and i still do not like lesbians. Ok, maybe that needs a bit of rephrasing. I dont mind lesbians as people but I do not like the idea of lesbianism and i fucking hate watching lesbian porn now(yes, neurosis due to past trauma is still there but im glad to say less severe, i hope) . That is to say, nothing has fucking changed for me. Im, quite simply put, in a fucking rut. Sure, sure, no one to blame but myself you say. I mean, i try to fucking socialize, try to go out more often, do something different, like you know, badminton or jogging or getting politically active and involved and all that different "stimulating" stuff. Then why the fuck do i still come back everyday to this fucking empty shell that is my life feeling depressed and useless and a smidge of lonliness? i have friends, i have contact with the outside world, i try to think im alright, content. Then why the fucking rut? Shit, with the fucking CLP i dont have the fucking time to get depressed and yet here we are my dears. fucking all washed up without having been worn in the first place. Why? The question echoes in a lonly dark cave without any reply or witty remark that my semi schizophrenic brain might conjure. Has even that come into a fucking rut? Its one thing to be depressed for a reason, rational or irrational, but its fucking frustrating not know what is the source of the depression. I try to put up a brave front, hey everythings alright, im just happy to be here, of course i'll fucking be polite to you even though i think you're the scum of my world. Sometimes the effort to be someone else is just too much to bear and i just want to lash out for no fucking reason at all at anything, or worse, anybody. I dont want to be the actor. i just want to be me but i fear to be me. i fear to be lonely. i fear the demons that still dwell within and i fear the skeletons. i fear to be afraid.

but hey, here i am again. putting on a front like i dont give a fuck. i dont. but then again you dont know who's talking to you, do u?