Saturday, December 05, 2009

my morning jacket

Lay low why don't ya now?
Lay back awhile and I'll show ya, I got the good that you want
no need to go and, hunt something else, it's right here with me, when you stay.
It's always good when I get to see that there's never more than what you're telling me when you
stay, home.

Lay low if the feel is right, (let the fetus rock) I got all that I want here in you tonight
and we'll pass out on the bedroom floor after goin' like this (full tilt) so long
when you stay.

Hold up, you showed me.
Oh what you told me, it's not what you want but what you need
it's not a head full of pills or amphetamines, when you stay.
It's always good when I get to see that there's never more than what you're telling me when you
stay, home

followed by 3 minutes of sheer guitar bliss.

yes, im feeling better.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

bad day

I don't usually blog about my daily life. Mostly because its boring even to my own skewered biased opinion. But when some close personal friends of the family use emotional blackmail.. its really puts one in a dilemma. Without going into specifics, they ask for a non possibility, which I have hinted so at certain points in time. But they refuse to take the hint and have pleaded for me to move heaven and earth. At the same time im guilt ridden to the fact that i am unable to deliver them from their current malaise and that they're really close friends of the family. The answer will most definitely be no, but its the implications and complications that have me turning gray. I hate to see adults cry. Especially when im part of the cause. This is besides the fact that there has been emotional blackmail as mentioned above, which really rubs me the wrong way.

My grandma, my one sole remaining grandparent, is in hospital. She was supposed to be discharged yesterday but has now dislocated her shoulder. The blame lies square on the fucking incompetent staff of Pantai Hospital. But they have denied this. Saying its an old injury. Bullshit, you dont get you fucking shoulder dislocated while lying on a hospital unless its by the fucking careless, useless, unqualified and unprofessional staff. They should not be allowed near patients and they should fucking resign for the safety of all the patients at the hospital. Don't try to tell me to calm down. You be there, beside your grandmother who's crying from the pain. Telling me things like she wishes she was dead and why it's so painful. You fucking be there and you fucking answer her, because i sure as hell cant you insensitive motherfuckers. At least even pretend to fucking care and take care of the old lady. Attend to her. Is it so fucking hard to administer some painkillers and find the fucking attending doctor? I don't give a fuck about the other patients. Is my grandmother not one as well? Is this the fucking service we get for paying your ridiculous fees? More so now since you fucking caused her latest injury thereby prolonging her stay. Pantai Hospital is fucking unbelievable and I have more than half a fucking mind to fucking sue. Bad enough you killed my grandfather when he was there you fucking assholes. Don't even get me started on the toll its taking on my auntie. You motherfuckers are one fucking piece of work. God help those who are coming to your fucking hospital with your incompetent staff. I did rather kill myself than get admitted to that charnel house that you call a hospital. Im not a religious man but I hope you get what's coming to you. That's how much i fucking hate you. You think the scene I caused that day was too much? You havent seen anything yet. Fuck you Pantai Hospital.

In addition to all of that, the overwhelming feeling of standing at the edge of an abyss of a bottomless well of lonliness is not helping my mental and emotional state to say the least. I try not to fall in, or to let the well overflow, but sometimes, especially like yesterday, it consumes me completely and it drowns me in a sea of melancholy. Sometimes I really do wonder if I will forever be alone...

Nothing the above is of my doing yet why is it that i feel on the verge of a mental breakdown Of loosing grip in a tempestuous sea? I feel like im a drowning man. My feet cant touch the floor and im flailing about as i inevitably go under the emotional tide.

God, I need some help, or at least the comfort of a warm bosom and a caring shoulder on which to rest my weary head on. Oh, thats right. God is a fucking asshole. Fucking Christian groups. Deliver your believer from their pains and ailments. Where the fuck was Jesus when my grandmother was crying in pain? Where the fuck werw all your miracles? How the fuck are we suppose to love you when we do everything that you ask of us but you abandon us in the time of our need? Fuck God and fuck religion. Fucking opiate of the delusional masses.

Please... just help me.. im just really hurting right now.