Saturday, October 11, 2008

My night at Magoos

It was packed, packed to the brim. The exuberance of youth was for once too overwhelming. Crushing. To sum it all up, it was fucking crowded. I needed to get out, already the alcoholic fumes were making my senses to a thing of lead. Past the gatekeepers, the fanciful word for the overly tattooed, tough as nails looking bouncers, the protectors against underage drinking.. or their establishment loosing their credentials and thus closing down, whichever takes moral precedence, out into the sweet ocean sprayed atmosphere that is the outside of the bar. The relieve is greatly felt, tinged with the smell of fellow smokers. I oblige my inner needs and light up one myself. Its as serene as it can get, the muted blaring of some college themed song thats been overplayed on shows like dawson's creek and smallville a few to many times in the background, a few socially unaware drunks proclaiming their state of inebriation, and the cloying tinge of nicotine in the air. Pure bliss. Then SHE came..

She looked, for want of better words, drunk as fuck. From the corner of my eye, from my own little space of bliss in the crowd, She comes intruding. Unsteady of her steps, she finally regains her foothold, only to then disturb my alcohol hazed tranquility by belting out the song "Rain rain go away, please come back another day," before amusingly transitioning to ".. or I'll have to bring out my umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh hehehehe". Fucking brilliant, so we, the collective tobacco smokers for a moment take in the obviously hilarious butchering of a nursery rhyme and a pop song all in one breathe and applaud such an effort. Our drunk American Idol wannabe taking in the applause, bows to accept it, and promptly falls over. Needing no cue the crowd laughs. Im not ashamed to be counted among them because.. well... it was funny as fuck.

Being one inclined to be helpful to fellow man, in this case woman, I, being the closes help her up. She slurs her thanks and promptly proclaims that she is drunk as fuck. The word Captain Obvious pops to mind. Having done my civic duty I start to walk away back to corner of bliss in the crowd. Then she asks "How are you tonight? Do you have anywhere to stay? Can I come stay with you?" To which my horrified self replies "No, no. I don't have a place of my own. I'm just a tourist." To which she replies the reply that will forever be told as a funny story at social events for ages to come, " Oh wow, Im a Pieces. We can so totally connect!". Cue laughter. I try to change the subject again and enquire as to where her friends are, to which she replies with drunken aplomb, "Fuck them, I dont need them, the stupid bitches. If I see them I'll kill them." Obviously they didnt like her singing as much as we did.

She then starts to stroke my back in a very, if you weren't drunk and you weren't fugly we did be fucking very soon, kind of way and inquires of me " Do you have any friends? Do you want to be friends just for tonight?" followed by a very disturbing girlish giggle. At this point your scribe was feeling 5 kinds of panic. Did I mention she was fugly? I mean, Im not (insert current hot male actor's name here) but fuck it man, I have standards too. Plus, true fact, its Hawaiian law that consent is not given if it is given in a state of intoxication. Not wanting to rape or in this case, seeing as Female Pavarotti here was just ready to jump on me, be raped, I mumbled 10 different excuses ranging from, im too young to die to I already have a girlfriend inside while simultaneously removing myself from her stroking and getting back to my table faster than Michael Phelps could swim.

I did not regain my blissful nicotine intaking again after that. Copious amounts of alcohol helped though.