Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Nazarath sang a song about this

so me and joyce were having this discussion the other day . why is it that a lot of nice, beautiful(remember the difference between a pretty girl and a beautiful lady kiddies) women out there always wind up with the wrong guy? there are a lot of cases in point but for the sake of protecting myself from defamation(because remember, these are assumptions and i dont know what is the REAL story even though its pretty fucking obvious that the dude's mistreating you) i shall not mention any personal cases of which i have heard of and seen first hand. so back to the eternal question... why? is it not human nature that if something hurts us its bad? something that causes pain should be avoided? we should be able to say, 'right, i had enough of this crap, you dont own me, i can do what i want without you controlling me, so fuck off'' right? oh, thats right, its human nature as well not to listen to logic and reason. especially with affairs of the heart. prove me wrong on this point please. its refreshing to hear about something positive about it for once. we think we understand love but at the end of the day its just a veil behind lots and lots of hurt. Love is a makeup covering the ugliness of the truth of hurt. Its basically a fucking excuse isint it? Someone can treat you like shit, worse case scenario, would make you want to kill yourself when you have to realize that you have so much more to life for other than this pathetic excuse of a human being. To your mom's uterus, i say, bad uterus. dont do that again. Unless you're my sibling... good uterus. Its hard to see it happening before your very eyes, knowing that you cant intervene in one's business that isint yours. Could be a sister, a cousin or even the girl you liked who's going out with some shortened name for Richard(in case u didnt get the joke, it was DICK). But what can you do? Love is guided by the heart and not the upper head. We've all been there at some point or another. And when the storm has weathered its easy to sit here and type that, oh, i was such a dumbass. How could i ever love him/her? S/He hurt me so bad. Im glad im not with him/her anymore. Fuck em. See.. real simple. What you dont see is that i still miss her. Yeah, if i can discorporate my logic from my feelings i did just tell myself there's lots of other fish in the sea and thats one chapter of my life im closing. But if i did discorporate then i did just be a fucking robot. Thats what makes us special isint it? The ability to feel. But be warned.. it just defies logic the ammount that we're willing to feel and conceal. And we're willing to conceal a lot so that we can live in ignorant bliss. This whole idea about forgiving and starting anew. For fucks sake my sister/brother, even the Pope can forgive that much before he'll condemn your soul to hell capise? I had to learn that the hard way. I pray that you wont but you would most probably have. I know, i sound capricious and confused about where i stand on this issue. Its because i really am confused. I still have a ribcage and a femur or two lying around in my closet. Look, as Mr Bush once said, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on you, i mean me. I can only hope that the illusion of love becomes real one day and not something the Halmark company makes money off every anniversary or Februry the 14th. Pick yourself up, free yourself from the chains perceived bliss and open your eyes from the darkness that is denial and realize who you are and what you really want. Then again, when this mantra works i'll be thr first to let you know. its funny, im not even a capricon. im a virgo btw, if you're interested in knowing.

yeah... thats the rant. and in regards to the title, its love hurts.

yay session: yay for vending machines which never close after 10pm, scrubs, the cranberries, Kevin Smith, ryan reynolds, egg and bacon sandwhichs, walker chips, the undertaker who won the royal rumble, life, inspiration for new tattoo.

thank you. rants you later

Thursday, January 25, 2007

i'll think about a title later

I have to be honest with you, I have been unable to properly articulate the empty ocean of thoughts that seem to be neither here nor there. Yes, despite what i said about randomness and unstructured rantings for which this blog is known for, it does require some effort on my part to actually be able to verbalize these insane and random ideas and thoughts into words upon which to deposite onto this tabula rasa of a new post. And since i seem to be afflicted with this unnatural sleeping pattern of nocturnalness, i've had a bit of time to somewhat attempt to verbalize these thoughts and have somehow managed to piece together a method in this madness of thoughts. or so i hope to anyway.

Lies, the problem and solution to life's question. Lies, It fucks everyone but yet, everyone loves a lie. Imagine if you will, your significant other having carnal relations with another. But its just purely carnal and while his/her body does not belong to you, her mind and soul are devoted to you. Everything but the sex.You could go so far as it to call it "love". And you live in absolute relationship bliss. S/he completes you. Would you like to know about it then? And you can toss bliss and happiness and contentment out the window. Or would you rather live a lie. A happy lie. A blissful lie? Imagine a doctor, whose patient is dying. Imagine when a pregnant woman who asks if she's fat. Imagine a kid asking his father if santa clause is real. Imagine when little Billy asks his dad if mommy is ever coming back. Imagine trying to get into the club when you're underaged. Imagine visiting your favourite grandma who told you not to smoke when you were younger and you're doing the exact opposite but grandma is blissfully unaware and you know it would break her heart if she knew you were smoking. Imagine telling someone that you fucking hate them to save them from you. Imagine... Becasue no one can live in a world of total truth and honesty. Because the truth hurts.

What is the yardstick of life? How do we measure morals and principles? What sets the standard? What is good and bad? Right and wrong? Hitler believed with every fibre of his being that what he was doing was right. Bush, glorious Bush, believed what he did was right. Timothy Mcvey and various others of like minded thought what he did was right. But we as a society are appalled and dismayed and condemn the actions of these men. What makes us right then? Is killing bad? It must be since we are quick to condemn it as per Mr Saddam. How would you feel then if your family was killed by someone right in front your very eyes and you're forced to watch and afterwards physically and mentally tortured? Your life has been spared yes. But some scars wont heal, the non physical more so than the physical. And one day, you then have the opportunity to kill this person who has done you so much wrong that at one point death was so much more preferable than being alive. Would you? Its all very easy to say now in a hypothetical situation that "oh, i dont believe in killing anyone. killing is bad. no one should be killed, no matter what their crime." But faced with that situation for real, with the mental anguish and the hate and rage burning up inside of you for this person who has taken away everything from you, would you? Principles and moral and personal character all play a part , yes, but can it really stand up to an emotionally charged situation? Can you look into the eyes of the person who took everything away from you and still say," no, killing is wrong"? And if you do eventually pull the trigger/stab and skewer him like a kebab/punch him till he's nothing but a bloody mess of flesh and bones/ etc etc ways of taking a life, congratulations, you have broken the standards and your actions are condenmed by society. Though im pretty sure that revenge was sweet and primitively satisfiying, but hey, it wrong. Again, what is the standard? What is the yardstick? Ok, away from the blood and gore, next situation, onto my favourite area, infidelity. Its generally seen as something negetive and not condoned but yet sexual promiscuity is cool isint it? And the simple excuse that we can give is "oh im not married and neither is s/he. so why should i give a fuck? i just wanna have fun!" Well, in a way, yeah, i mean, neither one of you is married,least of all to each other and as such dont owe any duty to be loyal. But when someone cheats on you it hurts dont it? Why? I thought it was cool? Oh.. so when it happens to someone else its cool but when its a personal things its not anymore huh? Standards and yardsticks... to this issue i take a quote from the matrix to end this discourse. "Do not try to bend the spoon. Thats impossible. Instead try to realize the truth. There is no spoon. Then you'll see,that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."

Had this discussion with Joyce the other day. About phases. And how we all go through one in order to find ourselves. Take Wil for instance(those that dont know, he's my half brother). He b representin' the ghetto yo'! hommie b true 2 tha 'hood for life yo! Listenin to' teh wicked skillz of Eminem and 50 cent, the illest shit on the streetz for shizzo! B wearing them bling bling and be kitted in them Quiksilver and Billabong, the illest shit on the streetz n b keeping it for Real homeboy! Yes, im very amused as well. Believe it or not thine melacholy addicted humble scribe here used to be doing the same shit when i was his age circa 13-15 years old though in all honesty and sincereness not as extreme and as poserish as Wil. Like Joyce said, we all go through this phase of self experimentation and perceived satisfaction of said phase but after a while we mature and mellow out and find our true selfs. Or not sometimes in certain cases. But for Wil, i do hope, for his sake, he really does get out of this phase as its just getting a little bit too out of hand and annoying sometimes if not oftentimes. Poser you are now, young padawan. Life is tough and always deals you a bad hand and its down to the strenght of your character and principles for you to deal with it. And right now its looking really fucked for you. But i have a little faith in you. And if this is really the real you for shizzo, there isint much i can do to stop you from being yourself. I guess that would be the most important thing here. Self identity and realization. Be it poser or not. But still, it is amusing oftentimes to look at the folly of youth.

This is what i call the "YAY" session. Not to be confused with the Gay session, the YAY session is a little space that i devote to the appreciation of the things in life that i personally enjoy..
YAY for;
Good friends, Good food, Love from the family, Hermes, film trilogies,Dunhill, ms. wet t-shirt contests, women, history, Kevin Smith films, Incubus, Mushroomhead, 311, free internet movies,webcomics, books from the late David Gemmell(God rest his soul, the world has lost a great writer), HOME

And yay for finally being able to articulate my thoughts into another piece of this great tragic poem that is ju-rants.

thank you very much for your time. apologies for any grammatical/spelling mistakes. Its about 4am here in Bristol a.k.a. foreign gulag and im proper tired but unable to sleep. But i find this time of the morning, here or anywhere else, the most condusive time for musing and contemplation and of course, ranting. rants you later.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

death in winter

The depths of winter longing are ice within my heart
The shards of broken covenants lie sharp against my soul
The wraiths of long lost ecstasy still keep us two apart
The sullen winds of bitterness still keen from turn to pole

The scars and twisted tendons, the stumps of struck-off limbs
The aching pit of hunger and throb of unset bones
My sanded burning eyes, as light within them dims
Add nothing to the torment of lying here alone..

The shimmering flames of fever trace out your blessed face
My broken eardrums echo yet with your voice inside my head
I do not fear the darkness that comes to me apace
I only dread the loss of you that comes when im dead. back in Bristol..

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

im still alive

yes.. of that im sure. salutations and greetings of the New Year from the Promised Land that is home. Home.... home is so sad. Things have changed and so have people. Home is no longer Lemon Grass Fields(yes.. i looked it up, thats what medang serai means)but here in the cesspit of capitalism of affluenism of Tropicana. Home can be a palace or home can be a shack but, as i've said, home is where the heart is, and its not here. Its no wonder then that im out of it more than in it. But its only a temporary semi respite before the re-deportation back to the foreign gulag that is Bristol. Oh sure, i know i have it easier than most people and i should be grateful that im actually able to study overseas instead of this corruption infested racially prejudiced country that is home. But how does a demon fit well into heaven anymore than an angel withstand the sight of the unholy? Lets just say then that i am in a state of purgetory.

Home is where the family is. What family? The witch and the usurper? My own flesh and blood they are not. And my one true pillar of strength, my sister, has departed for the Sandwhich Islands a.k.a Hawaii and thus i am left here, in a siege mentallity, fighting with the waves of insincerity and half hearted and misguided anger. I dont know how long my home, my heart can withstand all this, now that my pillar has left.What would i do without you? What can i do without you? And what about Hermes you say? My four legged non judgemental unconditional companion. I'll will be in exile again boy, but wait for me. Just as Argos waited for Odysseus to return to Ithaca, wait for me. I will return for you my loyal companion. Dear old dad is, well.. dear old dad. Love him to bits i do, but, shackled he is by the witch and the usurper. You made your bed dad, and u have to sleep in it, be it filled with linen sheets of a dream that could have been, or the angry barbs of reality of what is the present. Mom, i have not seen you in years. Come back soon.

Friends. Its great to see them all again. Tupps, im so sorry i havent been able to see u yet. That damned toe is still hurting like a bitch since i broke it, but boyo i'll try my bestest to see u before i am forced back into exile. The awesome foursome, at least you have been there and never changing. The only comforts to the coldness that permeates my mind. You as well Tupps my boyo. If this were to be our Thermopylae i would be glad to lay my lives down with all of you.
The greatest resource that i have now arent materials wants and needs but simply all of you. You may be diamonds in the rough to other people but to me you're the most valuabel of all stones.What will i do without you? What can i do without you?

I have to leave all of you behind soon.

As you can see, this is a very personal and, though u cant see it, an emotional post. I dont feel like ranting today. Its too sad to rant.