i'll think about a title later

I have to be honest with you, I have been unable to properly articulate the empty ocean of thoughts that seem to be neither here nor there. Yes, despite what i said about randomness and unstructured rantings for which this blog is known for, it does require some effort on my part to actually be able to verbalize these insane and random ideas and thoughts into words upon which to deposite onto this tabula rasa of a new post. And since i seem to be afflicted with this unnatural sleeping pattern of nocturnalness, i've had a bit of time to somewhat attempt to verbalize these thoughts and have somehow managed to piece together a method in this madness of thoughts. or so i hope to anyway.

Lies, the problem and solution to life's question. Lies, It fucks everyone but yet, everyone loves a lie. Imagine if you will, your significant other having carnal relations with another. But its just purely carnal and while his/her body does not belong to you, her mind and soul are devoted to you. Everything but the sex.You could go so far as it to call it "love". And you live in absolute relationship bliss. S/he completes you. Would you like to know about it then? And you can toss bliss and happiness and contentment out the window. Or would you rather live a lie. A happy lie. A blissful lie? Imagine a doctor, whose patient is dying. Imagine when a pregnant woman who asks if she's fat. Imagine a kid asking his father if santa clause is real. Imagine when little Billy asks his dad if mommy is ever coming back. Imagine trying to get into the club when you're underaged. Imagine visiting your favourite grandma who told you not to smoke when you were younger and you're doing the exact opposite but grandma is blissfully unaware and you know it would break her heart if she knew you were smoking. Imagine telling someone that you fucking hate them to save them from you. Imagine... Becasue no one can live in a world of total truth and honesty. Because the truth hurts.

What is the yardstick of life? How do we measure morals and principles? What sets the standard? What is good and bad? Right and wrong? Hitler believed with every fibre of his being that what he was doing was right. Bush, glorious Bush, believed what he did was right. Timothy Mcvey and various others of like minded thought what he did was right. But we as a society are appalled and dismayed and condemn the actions of these men. What makes us right then? Is killing bad? It must be since we are quick to condemn it as per Mr Saddam. How would you feel then if your family was killed by someone right in front your very eyes and you're forced to watch and afterwards physically and mentally tortured? Your life has been spared yes. But some scars wont heal, the non physical more so than the physical. And one day, you then have the opportunity to kill this person who has done you so much wrong that at one point death was so much more preferable than being alive. Would you? Its all very easy to say now in a hypothetical situation that "oh, i dont believe in killing anyone. killing is bad. no one should be killed, no matter what their crime." But faced with that situation for real, with the mental anguish and the hate and rage burning up inside of you for this person who has taken away everything from you, would you? Principles and moral and personal character all play a part , yes, but can it really stand up to an emotionally charged situation? Can you look into the eyes of the person who took everything away from you and still say," no, killing is wrong"? And if you do eventually pull the trigger/stab and skewer him like a kebab/punch him till he's nothing but a bloody mess of flesh and bones/ etc etc ways of taking a life, congratulations, you have broken the standards and your actions are condenmed by society. Though im pretty sure that revenge was sweet and primitively satisfiying, but hey, it wrong. Again, what is the standard? What is the yardstick? Ok, away from the blood and gore, next situation, onto my favourite area, infidelity. Its generally seen as something negetive and not condoned but yet sexual promiscuity is cool isint it? And the simple excuse that we can give is "oh im not married and neither is s/he. so why should i give a fuck? i just wanna have fun!" Well, in a way, yeah, i mean, neither one of you is married,least of all to each other and as such dont owe any duty to be loyal. But when someone cheats on you it hurts dont it? Why? I thought it was cool? Oh.. so when it happens to someone else its cool but when its a personal things its not anymore huh? Standards and yardsticks... to this issue i take a quote from the matrix to end this discourse. "Do not try to bend the spoon. Thats impossible. Instead try to realize the truth. There is no spoon. Then you'll see,that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."

Had this discussion with Joyce the other day. About phases. And how we all go through one in order to find ourselves. Take Wil for instance(those that dont know, he's my half brother). He b representin' the ghetto yo'! hommie b true 2 tha 'hood for life yo! Listenin to' teh wicked skillz of Eminem and 50 cent, the illest shit on the streetz for shizzo! B wearing them bling bling and be kitted in them Quiksilver and Billabong, the illest shit on the streetz n b keeping it for Real homeboy! Yes, im very amused as well. Believe it or not thine melacholy addicted humble scribe here used to be doing the same shit when i was his age circa 13-15 years old though in all honesty and sincereness not as extreme and as poserish as Wil. Like Joyce said, we all go through this phase of self experimentation and perceived satisfaction of said phase but after a while we mature and mellow out and find our true selfs. Or not sometimes in certain cases. But for Wil, i do hope, for his sake, he really does get out of this phase as its just getting a little bit too out of hand and annoying sometimes if not oftentimes. Poser you are now, young padawan. Life is tough and always deals you a bad hand and its down to the strenght of your character and principles for you to deal with it. And right now its looking really fucked for you. But i have a little faith in you. And if this is really the real you for shizzo, there isint much i can do to stop you from being yourself. I guess that would be the most important thing here. Self identity and realization. Be it poser or not. But still, it is amusing oftentimes to look at the folly of youth.

This is what i call the "YAY" session. Not to be confused with the Gay session, the YAY session is a little space that i devote to the appreciation of the things in life that i personally enjoy..
YAY for;
Good friends, Good food, Love from the family, Hermes, film trilogies,Dunhill, ms. wet t-shirt contests, women, history, Kevin Smith films, Incubus, Mushroomhead, 311, free internet movies,webcomics, books from the late David Gemmell(God rest his soul, the world has lost a great writer), HOME

And yay for finally being able to articulate my thoughts into another piece of this great tragic poem that is ju-rants.

thank you very much for your time. apologies for any grammatical/spelling mistakes. Its about 4am here in Bristol a.k.a. foreign gulag and im proper tired but unable to sleep. But i find this time of the morning, here or anywhere else, the most condusive time for musing and contemplation and of course, ranting. rants you later.