Monday, April 26, 2010

Americana #7

Well, this is the last post from America. Oddly I don't feel all that sad about leaving. Oh sure, I'll miss good ol' American tv and internet. I'll miss the food which, sadly, has contributed to a less than massive more than slight weight gain in the past month and a half. I'll miss the mostly friendly Americans and how easy it is to talk to them. I'll miss the weather. Any weather that makes one wear a coat a majority of the time one is outdoors is a positive in my climate book. And last but certainly not least, I'll miss my mom.

This trip, sad to say, has lost it's edge slightly over the last trip. For one I didn't travel as much, besides Pala Casino. I was sadly unable to fill my bag with MMA apparel as I initially planned to, but well, no big deal. Same thing with the books and my mostly biased opinion that with the exception of Kinokuniya, Malaysia has shit bookstores still stands. We're just not a culture who're into books that much. I have a somewhat excited yet uncertain and perdition filled feelings about my future employment once I arrive home but I'm not that worried. I'm not unemployable. I'm just picky. For my sake or others, that is yet to have been decided.

American tv has rotted my brain. I can hardly think of a more interesting way to end this Americana series from Ju-Rants and yet all im concerned about is The Pacific episode 7's download progress. And in a way, I guess that what this whole trip was about. Living the American dream of having the ability to laze in the decadence that is the advancement of the American culture, lifestyle and technology and it's impact on the rest of us. I have enjoyed, savored and reveled in the Bacchusian like sedentary that is Americana and yet, I have had my fill of locusts. That's what this trip has taught me; I can have all this if I work hard and bring in the cheddar( slang for money. See also, moolah, bread, greens, dough, lolly,dosh, spondullas, dead presidents and clams)

So in the end, my epiphany was the very same one that inspired the first settlers in America and made it the nation that it is today. The pursuit of happiness. Ok well technically it was in the Declaration of Independence but I would like to think that the settlers felt the same way as well. Damn you History Channel...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Americana #6

Ipad. Seen it, fondled it, used the free apps and made that mexican man wait for the longest time for me to be done with my free demo unit. There are other demo units as well Jose..

Briefly stepped into Hooters for potential gift buying, only to find that it had the same effect on me as it did 2 years ago wherein my field of vision tends to go about 30-45 degrees lower and my words tend to come out garbled when the staff there interact with me. I can't for the life of me imagine why...

Had a white lady and her little chihuahua come up to me while I was smoking outside the house and say "It's good of you smoke outside the house". I could not tell if she was being sarcastic or not. Her little dog smelled my Malaysian feet and wagged her non existent tail. I guess we know where residual sambal goes...

"How ya doing" is the American equivalent of the English "You'realright?"(Its not a typo. Thats how you pronounce it, as one word). No reply is expected or acceptable other than "Good" or "How ya doing" back. They do not want to hear your life story when you reply "I'm not good because.....".

Was mistaken for a Vietnamese outside Vietnamese restaurant. Be amazed at my non American accented but nonetheless fluent English....

Comparative to most Caucasian males over age 30, I look like a fitness instructor. Against contemporary youths and other Asians, not so much. Cover story, if ever asked, is that I'm an ex sumo champion from Malaysia that had to retire due to injury *cue fake limping. Marvel at my little than above average height and build little Asians of pure Asian and not mixed blood heritage...

Reluctantly hung out with mom listening to popular American music played by live band at a mall outdoors in somewhat cold weather while watching baseball game through Iphone. Saw old lady reenact her Woodstock flower power glory days moves. Funky.... Saw a somewhat slow to react boy in glasses attempting to dance to said music but only managed to shake toy in hand in what I must imagine he must be imagining is a tambourine. Eavesdropped and found out he was special. Not judgmental...

Have been semi forced to watch dancing with the stars. It bores me. I hope Kate Goslin goes out next. Go back to being an octo mom...

Should be reviewer for American tv shows with Malaysian perspective. However, would be encouraging more pirated downloads of said tv shows since censorship board in Malaysia has ass that's tighter than a seahorse's. Will consider further...

Mom pronounces Penelope as the way one would pronounce antelope. Please laugh after saying that out loud or in your head...

Writing in both first and third person. Don't know why...

No links, no pictures,no songs. End...

Post script; interestingly " ... " denotes that the speaker has let his voice trail off, as though he were leaving something unsaid. or a long pause. or an interruption. and no, "..." = not a face.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Americana #5.5

One thing I do in fact find endearing about Americans is that they never seem to be an inhibited bunch. I don't mean they're the type who go around saying "Fuck your mom" all the time, but they'll pretty much say whatever it is they're thinking about you straight to your face. And it's funny as hell, deliciously more so when used with American sarcasm. I used to think that American humour was a poor and slightly less funnier than the dry sarcastic wit that is their English cousins, but Americans are certainly funny in their own way. I don't know the number of times I've actually laughed inside quietly, or LIQ, the antithesis to LOL, after eavesdropping on the natives. I mean granted, not everyone's a gem (eg. fuck your mom) but the clever and funny one's outweigh the stupid "That's what American's are known for" humour. They are, in fact, funny people. But I don't see why that should be surprising. Hollywood has flooded the market with this American brand of humour and everyone seems to love it as evidenced by enthusiastic audience laughter at the cinema( including that over enthusiastic audience member who wheezes his laughs and claps his hands or slaps his knees or impersonates the wicked witch of the west. I'm looking at you Arvinda Kumar a/l Asokkumarran...) and yet, you find that there are people( a lot of people surprisingly) who love to give the whole "Stupid ignorant Americans" or something to that extent speech like it's going out of style. Hypocritical as that may be, maybe one should look in the mirror before passing judgement. I doubt people realize that stupidity is not race or nationality centric. It's just that, due to the uninhibited nature of the Americans as stated above, their stupid one's seem to stand out more than the rest of us. Or ignorance. Just another form of stupidity that's not nation/race centred. Then again, I have my doubts at times and do wonder if the stupid people are really in charge as evidenced by The Hills, Jersey Shore and Jerry Springer. Im not saying I should be forgetting my roots. Hell no, Im Malaysian through and through (note, I said Malaysian, not Chinese first, Malaysian second, American lover third, Porn Aficionado fourth, Neurotic fifth, Scared of Driving sixth, non practicing church attending Christian seventh, middle class bourgeois eighth.....yeah this is keep going to go on and on...). I love my country, but I, like a major majority of the world except North Korea, Kyrgyzstan and everybody's best friend, the region of the Middle East, prefer a big ol' of Americana most of the time because, quite frankly, it's simply just better.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Americana #5

So, unless you live under a rock, don't have any access to media or like me, at times, are just too apathetic to give a shit about various world news and events, which I can totally relate to so it's cool, you would have known that there was an earthquake in Baja which is kinda close to where I am right now, or close enough in earthquake terms as to be able to feel the ground shift beneath my feet. So, as per dear sister's wishes, I'm supposed to give my thought process and describe my experience during the "all too horrible" 20 seconds that broke my earthquake exposure virginity. Yeah, 20 seconds. I feel like one of those guys who briefly touched a celeb and didn't realize it till the next day when you're on TMZ as background guy looking confused #2

So there I was discreetly watching internet porn chatting, watching videos and doing general online stuff, when I suddenly felt the ground lurch beneath me. At first I thought I was having a really bad headache, the room spinning and being unstable and all that. The various knick knacks on the shelves started to shake as well. What actually cinched it for me was the fact that the light fixture, in all its semi-mini chandelier like glory started to swing on it's own accord. And how did I greet this first experience with mother nature on bitch mode? With a half question/half stating the obvious expression of "Earthquake....?". At that point the ground lurched again, this time almost expelling me from the chair and the first thing I did was run like a little girl briskly walk towards the closes archway. Hiding under the table was not an option as it was made of glass. Despite popular belief, there was no ominous rumbling as Hollywood has repeatedly shown us in films such as Earthquake, Earthquake 2: Rumble harder, Earthquake 3: The final rumble and its spinoff, Aftershock: The aftermath. And 2012 as well I suppose. It was more akin to experiencing bad turbulence on the plane except you're on the ground, which should up the terror level quite a bit. So there I was, standing in an archway, looking at the swinging light fixture, listening to glasses clink and furniture creak. And then it stopped. Just like that. Like a hot date who has prematurely cummed and out of embarrassment covered their shame and left in hurry. Girls can cum prematurely too btw, you sexist. So what would one do post earthquake? Well, in this great modern(some would say post modern, though till this day I have no fucking idea what that means) day and age the first thing I did was check twitter feeds to make sure that I wasn't the only going through a Motion Master at Gentingesque experience through inadvertent consumption of PCP and other hallucinogens. Suffice to say, I wasn't. The next step in the guide to media awareness for the new 21st century man? CNN of course, with their up to the minute report and "breaking news", which basically consists of them saying, basically, "we don't know what's happening, all we know is there's been an earthquake. Oh look, amateur footage of people panicking presumably because their fucking house is being shaken up", before segueing to actual news fact by saying its a 7.2 earthquake and they got this from the USGS. So there we were (we being my host and I) standing around, looking at the CNN staff try to make more sense of the "breaking news" all the time wondering if that was just the foreplay to a bigger nature fuck. Fortunately it was not, aside from a small 5 second after shock which put me in the mind of having very bad and uncooked Asian food and imitated hurl like movements in the stomach. Which is to say, yeah, it was that forceful. And I didn't puke, I just said it felt akin to the feeling one had before/during regurgitation. And that was how I lost my earthquake virginity. It was awkward between me and mother nature, like all first times. She rocked my world that's for sure *insert lame earthquake related joke*

In other news, I do not understand Kesha's tik tok. Already with the bad spelling... Further more;

Wake up in the morning feelin like P Diddy
(You wake up feeling like a black man? Or.. is there a more sexual connotation here?)

Put my glasses on, Im out the door, Im gonna hit this city
(You're not going to brush your teeth first?)

Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of jack
(Oh. And with a bottle of jack. Not shot, not a sip, but a whole bottle. I guess it's got alcohol to kill germs so it's cool)

Cause' when I leave for the night I ain't coming back
(Then where will you stay? Oh, friend's house.. ok)

Im talking- pedicure on our toes toes
(Yes I know know, where the fuck else would you get a pedicure?)

Trying on our clothes clothes
Boys blowing up our phones phones
Drop topping - playing our CDs
(Ok so im assuming you're with friends friends now. And you didn't repeat CDs because CDs CDs tak rasa sedap?)

Pulling up to parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy
(Er... didn't you just brush your teeth with bourbon? I think you're way past the tipsy level)

Don't stop make it pop
DJ blow my speakers up (hey, speakers are expensive ok?)
Tonight Imma' fight ( so im assuming you were a participant at those underground fight scenes)
Till we see the sunlight (ok, you woke up in the morning, got a pedicure, tried on your clothes and then listened to your CDs. That takes the whole fucking day?
Tick tock on the clock but the party dont stop (At this point I think time is the least of your concerns)
Woah oh oh oh x2 (Yeah, alcohol sometimes makes one a little bit unsteady)

Ain't got a care in the world but got plenty of beer
Ain't got no money in my pocket but I'm already here
(Look out for this alcohol mixing and drinking over achiever folks..)
Now the dudes lining up because they think we got swagger
(That's not a swagger, that's trying not to fall on your alcohol addled asses)
But we kick them to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
(Have you seen Mick Jagger lately*? Beer goggles much?)
Im talking about - everybody getting crunk crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk junk
Gonna smack him if he gettin' too drunk drunk
Now now we goin' till they kick us out out
Or the police shut us down down
Police shut us down down
Po Po shut us-
(I have no respect for people who use the word crunk(damn your black soul to hell Justin "Demonicus" Timberlake) or people who have to repeat things twice unless it's a medical condition. And calling the police po po? What is this the early 90s?)

*I know the link has a similar opinion to mine. Now, when there is a quorum of similar thought among the populace, that's what some would call a consensus wouldn't you agree?

Yeah, this is the part of Americana I don't really care much for. Then again, freedom and all that good stuff right?

Wow, aside from the earthquake part, this was pretty damn unoriginal.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Americana #4

I know its not Friday yet but I'm just really bored right now. And you will forgive me for my lack of interest in Californian real estate principles.

The weather has dropped considerably the past few days. To the oh fuck its cold i need to wear some socks indoors but not long pants because a) im a manly man and b) I don't have any long pants that aren't jeans, levels. With the drop in temperature comes a sudden bout of mini melancholy. I say mini because I get easily distracted by other things and I don't dwell on the subject of my discontent for more than 5 minutes. Fighting (the watching of and not the actual participation), ice hockey, baseball and football seem to provide ample and delightful distractions. That, along with copious amounts of shows such as Lost, the Pacific, Big Bang Theory, The Simpsons, Family Guy, The Cleveland Show, Ugly Americans, Southpark, Justified and, (sigh..) Life Unexpected. I know, I said I wouldn't watch it again, but, shit, I just have to find out what happens in the end. Granted, when the drama starts my mind starts to zone out to my own Ju's cut of how the scene should have gone (Shiri Appleby, 6 years younger, in a bikini) but damn my neurotic need to finish something I always start. Exceptions apply to Heroes post second season and The Sopranos due to lack of availability and aversion to a lack of violence in a mob show. Hey remember the OC? Man, I really wanted to do Mischa Barton. Key word being wanted. Past tense.

I have also rediscovered my lost passion for music, specifically rap pre 50 cent and kanye west and rediscovering oldies. I can't believe I didn't listen to david bowie earlier. Now there was a pioneer in avant garde strangeness. Fuck Lady Gaga. Of course there's also one hit wonder Boston (see below), Journey, Peter Frampton, Jefferson Airplane, so on and so forth. In rap, we have Common, Dr Dre's Chronic, Wu Tang, and 2pac of course. Hell, throw in some Miles Davis while you're at it.

Yeap, thats what its mostly come down to here. Watching shows all day long, when not reading real estate principles or jogging and shadowboxing to the tunes of those listed above. Or eating microwavable Philly Cheesesteaks or left overs which almost always consists of fried rice somehow. Yeap... Living the high life. That's the Real Americana. The ability to make things, intangible or otherwise, that will eventually touch everyone in the world one way or another. Even the penis sheath wearing natives of Papua New Guinea. It will touch us, this foreign but highly entertaining and some might say "awesome" culture, and we will all love, one way or another, despite your denials.

It beats me beating my ______ off (you can fill in the blanks if you want too, or leave as is) .

Regarding post rant #94, yeah we all need to rant once a while. Especially when in the grips of mini melancholy. What? The Pacific didn't download yet, we ran out of cheesesteaks and there weren't any games on tv. Oh yeah.. I could have read something non law related. But still, yeah.. we just need to vent and rant sometimes. And last I recall, its called ju-rants, not ju's big bites of Americana. In pink. And short shorts. I just thought of Perez Hilton and I want to vomit. *Ricky Martin singing "Shake your bon bon" *hurls. Speaking of which, can one work at GLAAD and not be gay? And if being gay was a prerequisite, wouldn't that be reverse discrimination?

In God's eyes,

everybody's hot,

This world has beauty all through her,

Picture the fattest chick you know,

God would totally do her,

He'd do her all the way,

even call her the next day,

to see how work was going.

Thank you family guy. The song's called (In God's Eyes) Everybody's Hot by Hand full of Peter. You can listen to it here. It's after noble indian chief(which is also a pretty good song).

So, you must be thinking "wah, Ju-lian, how come you can write so much wan ar?". Well, it's basically just shit going on in my head at that exact given time. For eg;

Mila Kunis --> Hot--> Forgetting Sarah Marshall-->Judd Apatow-->Superbad--> McLovin'-->Christopher Mintz-Plasse-->funny surname-->Kickass-->Comic-->Upcoming movie-->How to train your Dragon-->3d--> Dudley Death Drop-->Tables-->KFC-->hungry

yeah, thats just an example of my thought process. How i got through Law school I'll never know.

Giggaty. You should get a prize for getting to the end of that load of crap. Fresh salmon?

More Than a Feeling

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

It's more than a feeling (more than a feeling)
When I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
as clear as the sun in the summer sky

It's more than a feeling (more than a feeling)
When I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

When I'm tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
and dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped away

It's more than a feeling (more than a feeling)
When I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'till I see Marianne walk away

Been hearing this fucking song all day. On the radio, on Scrubs, on Pechanga's ad, while watching "The men who stare at goats", the Sopranos.

Yeah, I know a few who slipped away as well.