Americana #5

So, unless you live under a rock, don't have any access to media or like me, at times, are just too apathetic to give a shit about various world news and events, which I can totally relate to so it's cool, you would have known that there was an earthquake in Baja which is kinda close to where I am right now, or close enough in earthquake terms as to be able to feel the ground shift beneath my feet. So, as per dear sister's wishes, I'm supposed to give my thought process and describe my experience during the "all too horrible" 20 seconds that broke my earthquake exposure virginity. Yeah, 20 seconds. I feel like one of those guys who briefly touched a celeb and didn't realize it till the next day when you're on TMZ as background guy looking confused #2

So there I was discreetly watching internet porn chatting, watching videos and doing general online stuff, when I suddenly felt the ground lurch beneath me. At first I thought I was having a really bad headache, the room spinning and being unstable and all that. The various knick knacks on the shelves started to shake as well. What actually cinched it for me was the fact that the light fixture, in all its semi-mini chandelier like glory started to swing on it's own accord. And how did I greet this first experience with mother nature on bitch mode? With a half question/half stating the obvious expression of "Earthquake....?". At that point the ground lurched again, this time almost expelling me from the chair and the first thing I did was run like a little girl briskly walk towards the closes archway. Hiding under the table was not an option as it was made of glass. Despite popular belief, there was no ominous rumbling as Hollywood has repeatedly shown us in films such as Earthquake, Earthquake 2: Rumble harder, Earthquake 3: The final rumble and its spinoff, Aftershock: The aftermath. And 2012 as well I suppose. It was more akin to experiencing bad turbulence on the plane except you're on the ground, which should up the terror level quite a bit. So there I was, standing in an archway, looking at the swinging light fixture, listening to glasses clink and furniture creak. And then it stopped. Just like that. Like a hot date who has prematurely cummed and out of embarrassment covered their shame and left in hurry. Girls can cum prematurely too btw, you sexist. So what would one do post earthquake? Well, in this great modern(some would say post modern, though till this day I have no fucking idea what that means) day and age the first thing I did was check twitter feeds to make sure that I wasn't the only going through a Motion Master at Gentingesque experience through inadvertent consumption of PCP and other hallucinogens. Suffice to say, I wasn't. The next step in the guide to media awareness for the new 21st century man? CNN of course, with their up to the minute report and "breaking news", which basically consists of them saying, basically, "we don't know what's happening, all we know is there's been an earthquake. Oh look, amateur footage of people panicking presumably because their fucking house is being shaken up", before segueing to actual news fact by saying its a 7.2 earthquake and they got this from the USGS. So there we were (we being my host and I) standing around, looking at the CNN staff try to make more sense of the "breaking news" all the time wondering if that was just the foreplay to a bigger nature fuck. Fortunately it was not, aside from a small 5 second after shock which put me in the mind of having very bad and uncooked Asian food and imitated hurl like movements in the stomach. Which is to say, yeah, it was that forceful. And I didn't puke, I just said it felt akin to the feeling one had before/during regurgitation. And that was how I lost my earthquake virginity. It was awkward between me and mother nature, like all first times. She rocked my world that's for sure *insert lame earthquake related joke*

In other news, I do not understand Kesha's tik tok. Already with the bad spelling... Further more;

Wake up in the morning feelin like P Diddy
(You wake up feeling like a black man? Or.. is there a more sexual connotation here?)

Put my glasses on, Im out the door, Im gonna hit this city
(You're not going to brush your teeth first?)

Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of jack
(Oh. And with a bottle of jack. Not shot, not a sip, but a whole bottle. I guess it's got alcohol to kill germs so it's cool)

Cause' when I leave for the night I ain't coming back
(Then where will you stay? Oh, friend's house.. ok)

Im talking- pedicure on our toes toes
(Yes I know know, where the fuck else would you get a pedicure?)

Trying on our clothes clothes
Boys blowing up our phones phones
Drop topping - playing our CDs
(Ok so im assuming you're with friends friends now. And you didn't repeat CDs because CDs CDs tak rasa sedap?)

Pulling up to parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy
(Er... didn't you just brush your teeth with bourbon? I think you're way past the tipsy level)

Chorus
Don't stop make it pop
DJ blow my speakers up (hey, speakers are expensive ok?)
Tonight Imma' fight ( so im assuming you were a participant at those underground fight scenes)
Till we see the sunlight (ok, you woke up in the morning, got a pedicure, tried on your clothes and then listened to your CDs. That takes the whole fucking day?
Tick tock on the clock but the party dont stop (At this point I think time is the least of your concerns)
Woah oh oh oh x2 (Yeah, alcohol sometimes makes one a little bit unsteady)

Ain't got a care in the world but got plenty of beer
Ain't got no money in my pocket but I'm already here
(Look out for this alcohol mixing and drinking over achiever folks..)
Now the dudes lining up because they think we got swagger
(That's not a swagger, that's trying not to fall on your alcohol addled asses)
But we kick them to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
(Have you seen Mick Jagger lately*? Beer goggles much?)
Im talking about - everybody getting crunk crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk junk
Gonna smack him if he gettin' too drunk drunk
Now now we goin' till they kick us out out
Or the police shut us down down
Police shut us down down
Po Po shut us-
(I have no respect for people who use the word crunk(damn your black soul to hell Justin "Demonicus" Timberlake) or people who have to repeat things twice unless it's a medical condition. And calling the police po po? What is this the early 90s?)

*I know the link has a similar opinion to mine. Now, when there is a quorum of similar thought among the populace, that's what some would call a consensus wouldn't you agree?

Yeah, this is the part of Americana I don't really care much for. Then again, freedom and all that good stuff right?

Wow, aside from the earthquake part, this was pretty damn unoriginal.