Thursday, December 13, 2007

A woman's ode to me

Alanis Morissette- Uninvited

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate sight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd meet shepherd
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate sight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate sight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

Saturday, December 08, 2007

God is a dick

just wish He did cut me some fucking slack for once in my life.

Yeah im selfish. Deal with it

Monday, December 03, 2007

re post dated june 6/7/07

this post i going to be an esotoric one but then again its not like a lot of you get what im really saying most of the time anyway.

having read that post, i suppose you have a right to get freaked. i mean, putting yourself in your shoes i would too. imagine someone you havent seen in years suddenly reappears in your life again and declares an interest and fondness in you while you're still in a strong and stable relationship with a significant other. by all means, getting freaked would be a totally reasonable response. on my part though, there isint much that i cant say that isint said, if you get the oxymoron in that. you cant be together with me and vice versa. im just lovesick yes but im not blind. it wont happen anytime soon and, looking at the strength of your current relationship, i dare say never. i guess u could say i was waxing lyrical and hoping against hope when i said u needed to be saved from that relationship. fuck, what do i know? absolutely nothing. all i hear is hearsay and make my own assumptions which i know is wrong of me to do because what you do or who you date in your life is really none of my business and i really wouldnt know any better. so thus, you need not be afraid or freaked. i know its not going to happen. and we can leave it at that and still be friends or we can take the inevitable road i always take and watch what little retlations and communications we have and watch it all fade away into nothing but a fond memory. Personally the latter choice would be most preferrable but i leave that to you and fate

this isint goodbye, its just a statement of the stance im taking and the choices available. i cant kid myself by chanting the mantra that im strong and i can forget you as ever being more than a friend and saying goodbye. like i said in the post mentioned in the title, you really make me happy in ways you would never know, nor would i tell you to maintain your happy status quo.no, you arent the bad person. you're just living your life your way. if anyone is the villian here its me for wanting another man's woman. and this whole wanting is tearing away at the bastion that is my principles.

i guess what im really trying to say is that the truth is out there, i really like you. im not using the words love here because its a very strong word that i rarely use nowadays because it can mean so much more than just 4 letters. and technically i dont really know you to say i love you, but you're the only girl i know who has never been cruel to me that isint a relative.whether or not thats a good justification or not i dont know but i dont think at this point and time it would really matter. i like you a lot, and until such time where i find the perenial "one" i stand by it. i dare not place such hopes that you are the one because it just hurts too much when hopes and dreams are eventually crushed by bitter reality. but what is a man if he does not have hopes and aspirations right?

till and when and if you read this dear girl, i wont say a thing. just know that if ever fate would be so kind as to smile on the two of us one day, i would be the happiest man in the world. but until that day my dear heart, i'll be here as a friend. and nothing more.

okay. you can start with the "OMG just, get a grip of your emo self etc etc etc" comments now. if people still read this blog that is.

Friday, November 16, 2007

#64

i cant believe im back here again. wondering where i've been? living. thats what i've been doing, or at least attempting to be doing at this current state of mind. i simply just do have anything to bitch and moan and gripe about and hence nothing to rant about. that is, until now. That is the main problem i think. having nothing. nothing to be passionate about. nothing... exciting... for want of a better word. oh yeah sure, im still single and desperately available, im still studying, which is to say doing the CLP( the Malaysian Bar examination for those of you unaware or too ignorant to know what it is), the government is still shit and thus was so proven on November 10th 2007 recently (syabas BERSIH) and i still do not like lesbians. Ok, maybe that needs a bit of rephrasing. I dont mind lesbians as people but I do not like the idea of lesbianism and i fucking hate watching lesbian porn now(yes, neurosis due to past trauma is still there but im glad to say less severe, i hope) . That is to say, nothing has fucking changed for me. Im, quite simply put, in a fucking rut. Sure, sure, no one to blame but myself you say. I mean, i try to fucking socialize, try to go out more often, do something different, like you know, badminton or jogging or getting politically active and involved and all that different "stimulating" stuff. Then why the fuck do i still come back everyday to this fucking empty shell that is my life feeling depressed and useless and a smidge of lonliness? i have friends, i have contact with the outside world, i try to think im alright, content. Then why the fucking rut? Shit, with the fucking CLP i dont have the fucking time to get depressed and yet here we are my dears. fucking all washed up without having been worn in the first place. Why? The question echoes in a lonly dark cave without any reply or witty remark that my semi schizophrenic brain might conjure. Has even that come into a fucking rut? Its one thing to be depressed for a reason, rational or irrational, but its fucking frustrating not know what is the source of the depression. I try to put up a brave front, hey everythings alright, im just happy to be here, of course i'll fucking be polite to you even though i think you're the scum of my world. Sometimes the effort to be someone else is just too much to bear and i just want to lash out for no fucking reason at all at anything, or worse, anybody. I dont want to be the actor. i just want to be me but i fear to be me. i fear to be lonely. i fear the demons that still dwell within and i fear the skeletons. i fear to be afraid.

but hey, here i am again. putting on a front like i dont give a fuck. i dont. but then again you dont know who's talking to you, do u?

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Hello, I love you

I wont lie. There are just certain days where I feel like killing myself. Some days where I question my existence and purpose in life. Here or back home, there just those days you know? I find that i’m experiencing those days ever so often now in recent times. Yes I know, I generally have that semi happy don’t give a shit nothing can phase me look on my face most of the time, and yeah, mostly I do, but sometimes, some days, its honestly gets the better of me and I descend into a mire of melancholy and misapplied logic to life in general, love specifically. But you, you, my dear, dear sweet woman to be saved,*CORNY ALERT* It turns out you were my saviour all along. When we talk, which is rare and infrequent but an occurrence nonetheless, you just take it all away. The doubts, the worries, the insecurities, the loneliness (well, you kinda share that duty with Tupps, he comes online more than you). You give me, something; I don’t know what it is exactly. Belief? A pinch of hope which hopefully isn’t leading me down to the familiar road of the big let down? I did tell myself to be cautious and tread lightly, but with you, it can’t be helped. It must be helped for fear of relapsing into depression. Anyway, you just, make me smile. You make me happy. You keep the darkness away and the skeletons in the closet with brilliant radiance. I want to say you complete me but I shall refrain from doing so for fear of a corny bashing and Joyce vomiting blood again, if she hasn’t already. I know not whether this a random attack of fondness which is unfounded or a genuine outpouring of emotions, it cant be said to be mutual because of the separation through the years. Whatever it might eventually be discovered to be, thank you. Sincerely from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much.

Thank you as well Tupps. Your random questions are slowly becoming very disturbing… but thank you for keeping me sane in this time of boredom and depression and social isolation. Sometimes it sucks to be a wallflower kan? But it sometimes has its uses as well. This time im afraid it’s the former. Mayhaps a temporary status quo? All shall be resolved in the coming days. The prodigal son will return.

I don’t know what the fuck that was all about but meh(shrugs in words), its 7 am in the morning and I haven’t had any sleep yet. Nor will I anytime soon.

Finally, this song is an ode to all the ladies walking down the street and looking fine… and of course it could be to specific ladies in my life.. so .without further ado.. Mr. Jim Morrison ,if you will;

The Doors
Hello, I love you
Waiting for the sun

Hello,
I love you
Won't you tell me your name
Hello
I love you
Let me jump in your game

She's walkin' down the street
Blind to every eye she meets
Do you think you'll be the guy
To make the queen of the angels sigh

Hello,
I love you
Won't you tell me your name
Hello
I love you
Let me jump in your game

She holds her head so high
Like a statue in the sky
Her arms are wicked and her legs are long
When she moves my brain screams out this song

Hello,
I love you
Won't you tell me your name
Hello
I love you
Let me jump in your game

Sidewalk crouches at her feet
Like a dog that begs for somethin' sweet
Do you hope to make her see, you fool
Do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel


Music therapy is the best.

Your ever sleep deprived and bored but sincere scribe,
Ju.

Thank you. I like that word. I like thanking people. Its polite and people get a warm fuzzy feeling of having done something nice.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Because i can redux

feeling really uninspired to blog now. The only thing that sustains me, in this time of absolute boredom coupled with social isolation while awaiting for the departure date leaves one melancholic and questioning simple principles and making them too complex in the end. Music sustains me along with conversations with Tupps and nicotine and instant noodles. Anyway, the only thing which i can look to with a smile in the weeks since the last post was the re-establishment of communication with the one to be saved. The ice of the long years apart begin to melt and a slow process of rebuilding broken bridges begins. Damn english lit for making us pomp and melodramatic with our words, actions and thoughts. Anyway, i'll take the posting-a-song-lyrics-route here since i dont really have anything else to say. This song here, i finally get it and see the personal connection to my current situation in regards to saving a certain someone. I'll let Michelle Branch do the talking from this point on.

Michelle Branch
All you wanted
The Spirit Room

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you and I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold
And you needed someone to show you the way
So I took your hand
And we figured out that when the time comes I'd take you away

If you want to I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly so hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone

If you want to I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know I'll be there

If you want to I can save you
I can take you away from here(I can take you away)
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone



yeah, if you would care to do the analysis here please. it a bit straightforward this one.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Thankful

18 days and counting. 18 fucking days left. thats 18 days to ship the shit back, clean the room like a motherfucker, claim the damage deposit, visit friends in Cardiff and generally see Bristol for the last time. Hopefully. Nothing against Bristol personally. Its a nice place to be at. Not too remote nor too distracting. Its not too bad by any account. But the only reason i would ever have to come back here would be for convocation in the hopeful event that i pass. or maybe i meet the girl of my dreams and she's Bristolian. Or I get a job here which pays exceptionally well. Fine, make that reasonS.

Anyway yes, back to Malaysia. Back to the sun, the heat, the food, the availability of food whatever the time, the family, the friends, the dog, and the general love of all the people(and the dog of course) that i get from them. Not that i dont feel any love here. i do. from different people on different degrees. Joyce for one. Really, without her here life would be so much more... i want to say miserable but i know that isint the suitable word... monotonous and joyless. She cooks for me and puts up with my whining and random annoying shit(most of the time anyway.. i do admit i do go to far sometimes and yes Joyce, you are welcome to tell me to shut the fuck up...every now and then). She was almost like sister to me here( yes chi.. you were almost replaced). A very big thank you and a hug Joyce, for generally being there for me. Further love(platonic) to Shah, Shafiq, Kev, Izalia and Cai Mei. I know im not the closes of friends with all of you but you have made my time here in Bristol bearable and i dare say enjoyable. Special thanks to Shafiq for taking me to Stamford Bridge. Twice! COME ON YOU BLUES! Shah, hahaha, good times, funny insults and general concern. Thanks. Kev, the same, Give it! Izalia, well, you were in London most of the time as well but thank you for..erm.. putting up with my general sillyness. Cai Mei, thank you for the pizzas!, among other things. Then there's Grace and Dee, two very special ladies to me though i dont often say or show it. Thanks for all the dinners and advice given and taken in stride. the advice not the dinners. I'll definately treat you two to dinner here or back in Malaysia since its been established that im cant be arsed to cook. Also platonic love to Chris and Ming Yang. Always calling me to come along to do stuff and have interesting smoking sessions. Thanks guys. And to Thiba, you're a really sweet girl, a slow eater yes, but a sweet girl nonetheless. Same applies to flat mate Milee.. Thank you so much for letting me watch TV and snacking on your food. And also to the Italian trip room mates, Karen, Marcus and Sern Wei, thanks for bringing me along the trip and also MUCH THANKS for all the dinners. I know i dont say much and i dont act out much but i do appreciate all thats been done for me. And remember someday that what goes around comes around and i will pay you back for everything. Sooner if not later. Thank you as well to the Cypriot, Mr Antonis. Glad to meet your acquiantance and hopefully i'll see you in Cyprus one day. MOLON LABE(cypriot/greek insider joke). I should say thank you as well to Toh Lee Kim though i doubt she will read this but what the hell, thank you so much for the mini tutoring during the exam period. Really helped.

If i missed anybody then im kinda sorry, but if i've forgotten you that means you dont really mean that much to me anyway. so yeah. big thank you also all the random strangers with random acts of kindness. In particular the guy who helped me 4 hours before EU exam and also to Victor(i think thats your name) for helping me 12 hours before Employment.

A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE MENTIONED. YOU'VE MADE MY TIME AT BRISTOL UNFORGETTABLE AND I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR FUTURE ENDEVOURS. AND IF FATE PERMITS, WE WILL BE ABLE TO MEET UP AGAIN.

Thank you very much.

mind the typos and apologies if i got any of your names wrong and for brief and vague descriptions of kindness, but i hope you all know im thankful for it, no matter how big or small that act of kindness was.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Because I Can

two blogs in a day. this leads to the assumption that im ; a) really really bored , b) feeling inspired or c) too full of myself. i dont know specifically which one category i fall in but i would like to think that its a combination of all 3 of the above but mostly leaning towards a) for im am just so fucking bored right now. bored to the extent that i have been packing my things even though my flight isint for another 20 days. i have also cleaned and my room and disposed of any unnecessary items, such as junk letters and spare useless notes and scribblings and doodlings and paper conversations with a bored classmate. i have also rewatched the entire 2nd season of American Dad and also watched the movie Lord of War, 3 times. yes, i am that bored. save me from the boredom oh patron saint of entertainment and stimulation.

speaking of saving, the main ratio for the writing of this blog is to address a certain someone who is in need of saving. not necessarily phsyically but emotionally. her plea reads : "I feel like i'm living in a world full of lies,lost hopes and unreal passion...I envy those who has the courage to push through all this and find wut they r really looking for...I have surrender all my senses, my trust and fantasies only to come across to wut i thought would not happen to me...I still am waiting for that shinning light to come carry me away...Even if it did come...i wonder will i have the stregth to carry on...Wud tat than be everlasting or is it juz another game?" (Verbatim). To this I answer, I can save you. I can be your shining light to take you away from the darkness that is the lies, lost hopes and unreal passion in your world. I will make you regain your trust and your fulfil your fantasies. And i know affairs of the heart are never to be played with lest we forget painful lessons of caution and jadedness. I will make you forget the pain. I can save you, Because I Can.




if words didnt really convey what i was saying, perhaps the above image will be more direct. and i did hold you close, even for just a moment. and though i didnt make a promise with my mouth and words, i made it with my heart. which counts for more than just empty words. i know, i know, we havent spoken in years and i only know you from brief moments. but brief moments were all you needed. You had me at "Can i borrow a pen?"

ok folks, enough of the sob story. i might get a huge sounding from joyce after this but... meh.. this is how i feel.
( image copyright of www.xkcd.com. go look see if u like math, romance and sarcasm. )


HAVE A GOOD DAY AND FREE YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS!

yes, im a little bit on crack this fine tuesday morning. just a little bit..

and, specially for Grace and numerous others who say i dont post much pictures on the blog...






WE LOVE YOU CHELSEA, WE DO, WE LOVE YOU CHELSEA, WE DO. WE LOVE YOU CHELSEA WE DO, OHHHH CHELSEA WE LOVE YOU!!!!

CAREFREE WHEREVER YOU MAY BE!

fine, so we didnt win the league, but we won two other cups, instead of just one. *Cue song "1 is the lonliest number"

filial

the only explanation i can give for the enforced absence is due to academic reasons, i.e. the fucking exams(sorry Grace, i find that using the word Fuck and its associated adjectives and adverbs the best way to express myself truly and freely without any restraints, plus i dont like using words like frigging and frick(scrubs inside joke) ). I can honestly say that i've never ever worked this hard in my life all for just a piece of paper. Nor do i intend to again, but you know how it goes with intentions, it never comes to fruitation. its never in your control. its just a mens rea but the actus reus of life and circumstances and fate, if you believe in it, conspire against intentions. You could read that as saying im spineless and not willing to carry on with what i set out to do, but then again i would say you're just naive and overly optimistic. not that that’s a bad thing of course. i envy you if you are. sadly i have a different outlook on life and yes, though self admittantly self deprecating, i would like to think im a realist. im not saying i view life as just a journey to the grave and nothing more and devoid of meaning. i know better than that and that life is beautiful. but its beautiful like a rose. with thorns. and i happen to pick a particularly prickly one. of course people have been dealt brambles in their life so i know im lucky to be where am i today. but then again, i dont take everything without a pinch of salt. unhealthy i know, but then that’s who i am. salty.

right then, to dispense with the lack of things to do plus post exam stress related to waiting for your results knowing that you might have fucked up one but hoping against hope that you didnt, i shall entertain myself with rant therapy. the above can be discounted as premature rantification. no thats not a real word. i looked it up. Interestingly labradoodle is a real word. and there is really a place called Fucking in Austria. useless knowledge you get from reading wikipedia articles and playing pub quiz games. Well, not really that useless if it can help you win 20 pounds.

so this is it then, the near end of the academic life, one foot into the real world, the market force, a part of the system. has it really been 22 years and counting? *clich├ęd words and phrases follow on how fast time flies. and there is fear in me as i step into a cold new world, and also a feeling of anticipation and nervous energy to go forth and make a living for myself. to be truly independent from my parents, who i intend to pay back every single cent given to me for my education and general upkeep expenses. i know without them i wouldn’t be where i am today. and it really frustrates and angers me when i see petulant kids who dont show their parents any respect. for fucks sake man/woman, you wouldnt be here without them and arent shit without them. and this further extends to "adults" who dump their parents in old folks home and leaves them for dead when they become a burden. Fuck all of you and fuck your circumstances. No circumstances can be an excuse for negligently neglecting your parents. ok, except maybe if they're incestuous and abuses but other than that its just.. wrong. no other word for it.. wrong. Confucius once said the most important value one can have is to be a filial child. im not a follower of Confucianism but that makes fucking sense and its something we all strive to have imbued within us and , hopefully and God willingly, in our kids. I dont mean to keep repeating myself but we are nothing without our parents and we should never ever forget them. They should be immortal in our memories and by extension to our kids i.e. their grand kids. If anyone reading this has lost a parent you have my full sympathy and im sorry if this piece has offended you in any way, but you should know more than the rest of us lucky ones how important parents are in our lives. So the next time you decide to scream at your parents for something you didnt get or do something that disappoints them, remember from whence u came from and who made you the person that you are today.

This piece is of course dedicated to the subject matter at hand, my parents, who i love very much and would do my utmost to make them proud of me. Yes, i do know that i have my flaws. I smoke, im jaded and i do sometimes do some things that i cant mention here for fear of persecution from the law and humiliation and of course disappointing you. But i hope that you know i would never do anything to hurt you anymore than i can help it and i truly love the both of you from the bottom of my heart even though i dont say it often enough but i hope my actions will show it and , i reiterate, i hope to make you proud of me.

i know its past mothers day and fathers day, but i dont need a specific date to show my parents love.

Thank you mom and dad. I love you

and thank you dear reader. I kinda love you as well though in a very platonic way and not at all gay.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

rant session #58

spoiler warning for those who have not watche episode 6 season 11 of southpark or 300.

watched the latest episode of south park (when i should be studying, i know, but.. meh) called D-Yikes and it, well, i wouldnt say pissed the fuck out of me because it didnt because i realize its just a show, but maybe the right word would be, annoyed. As you can obviously tell from the title the episodes subject matter revolves around a topic which, to say the least, annoys me a lot. Note, annoy and not disturbs or pisses me off. I have with time learned to curb my more enthusiastic hatred and hate mongering of the gay community in general and of the lesbians specifically due to events of the past which i have slowly tried to let go piece by piece, day by day. I still do not like the idea of lesbians and though i am acquainted with some, but at least i dont do what the Westboro Baptist Church(wiki it) does. Yes, i realize im restating my restatement on my stance of the gay community. Views and outlooks in life are shaped by events in an individuals life as im sure you will agree with me. The only thing that annoys me now about lesbians, besides the obvious past trauma, is the fact that i can no longer enjoy lesbian porn. And i really liked lesbian porn. Really did. Thanks for taking away that one pleasure in life from me. And dont start with the whole sexist argument. Its porn, a form of physical entertainment and enjoyment and two men going at it isint the least bit entertaining to a staunchly heterosexual male. And yes, you could say that im sitting on a moral high horse right now, but fuck, compared to other hardliners i might as well be riding the donkey of understanding. And no Ms. Garrison, not all men are assholes and lesbians do more than just "scissors". I used to watch lesbian porn so i do have authority on the subject.

Another point of irritation and annoyance was the obvious references to 300, which, in my humble opinion of course, was a fucking brilliant movie and well worth the wait. No, i do not think it had the least bit of traces of homoerotic elements. 300 well muscled and toned men wearing nothing but underwear and red capes and helmets and shields are not gay. Its the epitome of male bravado. Manliness so to speak. And whats so homoerotic about seeing someone being beheaded and being stabbed by spears and being pushed off a cliff and building a wall from dead bodies? Blood, gore, violence... Love it! Anyway, coming back to why it annoys me that the creators of Southpark are using the 300 references is because i dont think the movie deserves to be parodied so brutally, aside from shouting THIS IS SPARTA!!, come on, the directors had to know it was going to stick and things that stick get parodied mercilessly. and whats more on a topic which irks me a lot. so yeah. guess what i was trying to say in all the muddled-ness that is the rant is that, i dont particularly like this episode and that i dont enjoy lesbian porn anymore. On that note, in the unlikely event that i were to be offered to join a threesome, i, at this current state of mind, would not join in. Well, maybe.. if they're fucking hot and not lesbian but just into freaky sex. But then i would be betraying principles. Fuck.. i dont know. We will cross the proverbial bridge when we get there.

On another subject which is semi separate(is that the right word?) from the subject above, i dislike dreams where im left feeling disappointed worse than nightmares where im dead, being devoured by a huge fucking ass spider or being chased into the bowels of hell where skeletons are chasing me with fiery swords or being the only survivor in a post apocalyptic nuclear war that wipes out the world. Yes, i know i watch too much twilight zone and horror flicks. Coming back to disappointing dreams, yeah, its like when you dream of a specific event, which shall remain unspecified here for fear of repercussions from more rational ,less trauma ridden minds and also for fear of me going into relapse of clingingtothepastitis. Anyway, yeah, disappointing dreams are such where you tend to not realize you're dreaming and as such everything seems real and thus there is a real sub conscious expectation and, due to events unfolding in the dream it remains unfulfilled and when you wake up and realize its a dream, its fuckall disappointing. I guess its the same mind fucking when your parents dont really fuck you up and yell and scream at you for something wrong that you did but instead say, "im disappointed in you". You did rather they yell or something and get it out of their system instead of letting that "im disappointed in you" fester and boil in your guilt. Same with the disappointing dreams, it fucking eats at you, and whats worse is its only a fucking dream and there's fuckall you can do about it. How is this semi related/separated from the rant about the southpark episode above? if you know me well enough you should be able to see the connection. SATP fucking TPAS.

thank you for your time.

p.s;

CAREFREE, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE, WE ARE THE FAMOUS CFC, AND WE DONT GIVE A FUCK WHOEVER YOU MAY BE, 'CAUSE WE'RE THE FAMOUS CFC!
its our year... our year. (note, subject to change)

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

when insomnia has a firm grip on you

what do you do? its six in the fucking morning and i cant sleep. im as tired as fuck, for want of a better word, yet i cant drift off into the escapism which is my dreamscape. it cant be accademic related stress as i've finished all my assignments and i would like to believe that im progressing well in studies and revision for the big E. am not currently thinking about ex's and situtations that could have been but never was. have watched 300 pahalwan Sparta twice now. Have tried drinking warm milk and have tried counting sheep. i have even gone for a walk about UWE to feel tired and clear my mind of anything that might have been on it. I realized there wasnt halfway to the other side and discovered it was too fucking cold to think and walked back. And here i am now, your humble scribe, unable to sleep and listening to Jay-Z telling me about that its a hardknock life. and now to be Big Pimping. Why... cant.. i... sleep? Shall now entertain myself with rant therapy

So i have discovered there are now 4 types of marital status; single, taken, homosexual and "its complicated". Your in between, says everything and nothing at the same time position. Its pretty fucking annoying yeah? Pick a side, any side. Stop complicating the situation and simplify it. Ok fine, that was just annoyance talking. Im sure there is a very good reason as to why you arent already taken but you arent available either. It could be that you're "very" good friends one drunken admission of love away from being a couple. It could be that you "still love each other" even though there was clearly a betrayal and thus a failure in the relationship. It could be that it's unrequitted and one sided. It could any number of things. Not trying to sound like a single desperate and exaperated fuck but its time to choose and make a stand. Bah, that only happens in movies where there would be happy resolution for the protagonist. And i never claimed to be the protagonist. The reality of it is that its just a personification of the human pysche. We're complex miserable creatures and this is a manisfestation of it in regards to our relationship with others. So yeah, i understand "its' complicated". Fucking hell.

Funny jokes( for tupps): A man was walking down the street painted green and naked with a naked girl on his back. He was stopped by the cops for indecent exposure. Asked as to why he was green and naked, he replied, "I was going for a costume party. Im a turtle." When asked as to why he was carrying a naked girl on his back, he said, " That's Michelle (me shell)".

Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple? A pimple only comes on your face when you're 13. (credited to Zee as told by Tupps)

A newly clothed young Catholic Priest was in the confession booth. A very promiscuous woman came in and confessed her sins. "Bless me Father, I have sinned. Its been 3 weeks since my last confession. I have performed oral sex on a man who im not married to. How many Hail Mary's should i say?" Being new, the Father didnt know what to say so he asked the alter boy nearby "What does the senior priest usually give for a blow job?" The alter boy replied "Oh, usually some sweets"

A few months after his parent's were divorced, Little Tommy passed by his mom's room and saw her rubbing her body and moaning "I need a man! I need a man!" Over the next couple of months he saw her doing this several times. One day, Little Tommy came home from school and heard her moaning. He peeked into her bedroom and saw a man on top of her. Little Tommy ran to his room, stripped off his clothes and started stroking off, moaning "I need an Xbox! I need an Xbox!"

Why is snow like sex for women? You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it'll last

Whats the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with the light on

What do u get if u cross a donkey and an onion? An ass which brings tears to your eyes


I would have something more significant to say but now im brain tired but i still cant sleep. Laters. Enjoy the jokes

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Keinginan kembali ke roots aku

Saya tahu ini tidak pernah dibuat oleh ju-rants dan mungkin aku akan ada bebrapa kesalahan tatabahasa dan ejaan tetapi, fuck it, aku rasa nak buat

Apakah sebabnya saye berblogkan dalam bahasa melayu? Banyak sebab-sebab. Dah lama saya tidak bertulis sebuah karangan dalam bm dan saya berasa sedikit patriotik, especially since saya dah bertinggal di Brstol,UK untuk beberapa bulan dan dah lamanya tak berdengar orang berborak-borak dalam bm. Selain daripada itu, mungkin satu hari nanti saya akan bekerja dalam bidang undang dan mungkin I need to hand in a submission in bm. Tuan tuan dan puan puan boleh observe that sekarang ini adalah sebuah masalah as I cant fucking write in bm let alone form a fucking coherent sentence

Well, that ambitious project was short lived. Im so fucked, then, if I eventually practice in Malaysian law and the judge is really anal about speaking in bm when he fails to realize that most of the law taught, in Malaysia or England, is in fucking English. Yes yes, so I have a 3B in my spm for bm, whoop fucking doo. As you can see from the failed attempt above, the grade isint that well deserved now innit? Which brings me then to my next point. Is English the only language that im fluent in then? We can disregard Chinese. I cant speak it for nuts, including my family dialect, Hokkien. Jesus no. When I try to engage a conversation in Chinese or try to join one, I do get fucking lost and yeah, its really a bitch not be able to participate. Worse thing is this is my mother tongue and I cant fucking speak it. I have tried. God knows I have. Mandarin classes,where the tutor was very anal about speaking mandarin the “proper” way, with the tongue rolling and all that and which to me was really silly and hence I dropped out of it. I have tried to have some semblance of speaking Hokkien with my one remaining Hokkien grandmother and at this task to I have failed. I do try to see the old dear as much as I can but you know how it goes, what am I going to say? And how many times can I listen to “don’t get a girlfriend now, get your degree and get a job and then girls will come flocking and etc etc. u know, the normal grandmotherly banter. There was a time when I could understand what she was saying and could answer her back in Hokkien. Nowadays, I have to rely on my aunty as the translator. I do catch a few words here and there, especially when she say study hard and get a job and girls will come running to you. I will refrain from putting the transcript here for the benefit of those who don’t speak Hokkien and also, I really don’t know how to phonetically spell it. I’ve watched countless amounts of Chinese films and yes, sometimes I do stop and rewind a scene to listen to the dialogue and then repeat it myself to try and learn the phrase. But with a brain which is sometimes akin to that of a goldfish, I forget and thus don’t remember the phrase. I have tried with various friends to ask them to try to tutor me in Chinese but again it has come to naught as I switch back to English time and time again. Which all leads down to the conclusion that im really ashamed of myself. I admit I do feel some racial pride. Im proud to be Chinese. But its fucking hypocritical when I cant speak the language myself eh? It dosent count when you can count one to ten and say a few curse words and phrases. True, at this point and time being fluent in English is an advantage to me but, fuck, imagine walking in to Chinese restaurant and not being able to order. And this in turn affects my taste in women as well. If you can speak fluent, clear and precise English then baby girl, im half yours. Coming back to the point though, im ashamed not to be in touch with my roots. I preach non discrimination against races and that includes my own race. But how can that be when I lose touch with it? Have I become a product of colonialism and bad parenting? I should endeavour to get back in touch with my roots but damnit, its so hard to, especially now. I look at those fluently multi lingual and I feel so ashamed of myself. ASHAMED!
God, please send me the girl of my dreams which will be able to help me get back in touch with my roots or failing that, grant this lost Chinese boy’s dreams of getting back to his roots. I do want to be multi lingual. I do want to speak as many languages as I can. But I cant even proceed if I don’t even have the basics covered.

In this there is an epiphany towards my life. Have I strayed so far from the original plot that I don’t know who I am anymore or why im here? Im questioning my existence ever so often that its becoming scary. I know, I should just chill. But maybe I’ve chilled enough? Maybe I need more direction in life but I’ve lost the compass? I don’t know the answer to these questions try as hard as I might to seek them. But then this, all this, will have to wait. The time for academic grinding has arrived and thou shan’t hear from this scribe anytime soon. Unless aku berasa nak bertulis dalam wah eh blog. Papoh and cho san. Ia dah morning for me and I have to go for class. .And for tupps, savadeekap

random thoughts not relating to subject rant:
when the wind blows against the protagonist/random hottie/bollywood movie, its looks good kan? But trust me, its fucking overated when the wind's going at 30 mp/h. i dont care how good you look or how the winds does that movie thingy with the hair, you dont wanna be out there.

being cool and being and outcast are the same sides of the different coin. both need to stand out from the masses. but then again, havent you ever thought of just being one of the masses? why this need to be different or special from the rest of us? ironically, its because the masses, society, dictates as such. what makes us different from one another is the dreams and ambitions. but then again dont we all have that in us? that being so, arent u part of the human society then? its akin to an ouroboros; a snake eating its own tail. you crave so much to be different to the norm that you forget that you are the norm. you're just human.

chance encounters at a club/bar dont end well, even when you're sober.

the ever loving , and easy on the eyes after reading such a long assed nonsensical and condescending but surprisingly mutli lingual rant , end.

Friday, March 02, 2007

random rap

ju-rants be the name, better recognize my game,
if i fail law this is my claim to fame.
me and the crew chilling in bangkung
till jas's father calls then we have to go home.
my friend tupps be thai,
but dont get it twisted we roll together like ice cream and pie
dre be stone cold in his expression like a killer
dont let it scare ya, he’s a real nice fella
regarding arvinda, I got a whole list of things to say
but fuck it you’re a good friend too,
except when you ask me to pay
for food u couldn’t afford u damned fool

don’t mess with me my rhymes be tight
like that virgin you didn’t get with last night
aint no one better than me,
my words cut like knives and will make you bleed.
money, booze and broads,
dont need none of those in my rhyme to get to the top.
i be in your face like a mace
aint gonna bow down for popularity’s sake
not into that friendster bullshit or myspace
im my own man and I trust my own legs to stand
I don’t care If I never get recognition or have fans
I just wanna lay down verses about the truth
Make your insecurities go away like poof
But its gonna hurt don’t expect me to sooth
Your egos when it hits you in the gut
That you’re nothing but a popularity slut
Sorry for the rage, it’s the truth like from a bible page
I have no love for them and haters
And special disdain for posers
Coolness is the opium for the masses
Don’t be dissin this rap son
I speak from the heart
It aint some cheap record u can pick up from Mymart
And if u don’t agree
Take the Tyson approach and bite me

sat pui ha ngor hui siu yiin,
smoking aint a sin, im like jin,
adding chinese in my verses
getting back to my roots, im serious.
That’s all I gotta rant about today
Going to desist and cease
Shoutout to the crew and all those dear to me
Im out, Peace.


hahaha.. i know what your're saying.. Ju.. dont quit your day job. Dont worry, it was just random.

ps; sat pui ha ngor hui siu yin = excuse me for a bit, i gotta smoke.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Hallmark Co.'s second favourite day after Christmas

yes my dear intellectual readers. Its that damned day again. Well, technically its a day after it but fuck it i didnt have time to write a rant till just past midnight. Again, its pretty much couples day unless you're part of the foreign legion and your significant other is in some other part of the world at the current moment. But i have to admit it does have some "aww moments" here and there, or movie moments as i did like to call it. That whole talking to you on the phone pretending to be somewhere else and suddenly there is a knock on your door and lo and behold there is your significant other. yes... that deserves an awww. The sensitive emo in me smiles at this while the jaded, bitter part of me looks on in disdain and, i can honestly say, jealousy. Yes, i do seem to try and preach loving yourselves before others and i do try to preach not to be a slave to infatuation and not to be a servant to love, but Goddamn fucking hell, sometimes its hard to follow what you preach eh? i try not to let this day get to me in all its commercial and fake glory. But the simple fact of the matter is that i am a fucking sentimental fuck and yes, if i had a significant, note, significant, other right now i did shower her with a million roses and dozens of chocolates that would scare a diabetic. but hey, it been 4 years running now eh? maybe 5? i have lost count. that single rose has withered and died so long ago. but a part of me yearns for it to be whole again, to be fresh and fragrant. a part of me anyway. what good is all this emotion if you have no one to share it with? With my more bitter, jaded and yes, i will fucking say it without any pride but with a sense of crestfallen admission of a personal weakness;, lonely self taken over my sentimental side, i will restate what is most obvious with cold surgical logic; Valentines day is an altogether commercial day, a day for the innocent youthful lovers and for the just- get-togethers(thank you for coining the phrase dear Seemat) and for the rest of the long term-ers and for the singles like yours truly, its just another Goddamned day.

Have a pleasant Valentines Day filling the coffers of capitalism and fueling the insecurity of others. Exceptions apply to the general rule of course.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Nazarath sang a song about this

so me and joyce were having this discussion the other day . why is it that a lot of nice, beautiful(remember the difference between a pretty girl and a beautiful lady kiddies) women out there always wind up with the wrong guy? there are a lot of cases in point but for the sake of protecting myself from defamation(because remember, these are assumptions and i dont know what is the REAL story even though its pretty fucking obvious that the dude's mistreating you) i shall not mention any personal cases of which i have heard of and seen first hand. so back to the eternal question... why? is it not human nature that if something hurts us its bad? something that causes pain should be avoided? we should be able to say, 'right, i had enough of this crap, you dont own me, i can do what i want without you controlling me, so fuck off'' right? oh, thats right, its human nature as well not to listen to logic and reason. especially with affairs of the heart. prove me wrong on this point please. its refreshing to hear about something positive about it for once. we think we understand love but at the end of the day its just a veil behind lots and lots of hurt. Love is a makeup covering the ugliness of the truth of hurt. Its basically a fucking excuse isint it? Someone can treat you like shit, worse case scenario, would make you want to kill yourself when you have to realize that you have so much more to life for other than this pathetic excuse of a human being. To your mom's uterus, i say, bad uterus. dont do that again. Unless you're my sibling... good uterus. Its hard to see it happening before your very eyes, knowing that you cant intervene in one's business that isint yours. Could be a sister, a cousin or even the girl you liked who's going out with some shortened name for Richard(in case u didnt get the joke, it was DICK). But what can you do? Love is guided by the heart and not the upper head. We've all been there at some point or another. And when the storm has weathered its easy to sit here and type that, oh, i was such a dumbass. How could i ever love him/her? S/He hurt me so bad. Im glad im not with him/her anymore. Fuck em. See.. real simple. What you dont see is that i still miss her. Yeah, if i can discorporate my logic from my feelings i did just tell myself there's lots of other fish in the sea and thats one chapter of my life im closing. But if i did discorporate then i did just be a fucking robot. Thats what makes us special isint it? The ability to feel. But be warned.. it just defies logic the ammount that we're willing to feel and conceal. And we're willing to conceal a lot so that we can live in ignorant bliss. This whole idea about forgiving and starting anew. For fucks sake my sister/brother, even the Pope can forgive that much before he'll condemn your soul to hell capise? I had to learn that the hard way. I pray that you wont but you would most probably have. I know, i sound capricious and confused about where i stand on this issue. Its because i really am confused. I still have a ribcage and a femur or two lying around in my closet. Look, as Mr Bush once said, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on you, i mean me. I can only hope that the illusion of love becomes real one day and not something the Halmark company makes money off every anniversary or Februry the 14th. Pick yourself up, free yourself from the chains perceived bliss and open your eyes from the darkness that is denial and realize who you are and what you really want. Then again, when this mantra works i'll be thr first to let you know. its funny, im not even a capricon. im a virgo btw, if you're interested in knowing.

yeah... thats the rant. and in regards to the title, its love hurts.

yay session: yay for vending machines which never close after 10pm, scrubs, the cranberries, Kevin Smith, ryan reynolds, egg and bacon sandwhichs, walker chips, the undertaker who won the royal rumble, life, inspiration for new tattoo.

thank you. rants you later

Thursday, January 25, 2007

i'll think about a title later

I have to be honest with you, I have been unable to properly articulate the empty ocean of thoughts that seem to be neither here nor there. Yes, despite what i said about randomness and unstructured rantings for which this blog is known for, it does require some effort on my part to actually be able to verbalize these insane and random ideas and thoughts into words upon which to deposite onto this tabula rasa of a new post. And since i seem to be afflicted with this unnatural sleeping pattern of nocturnalness, i've had a bit of time to somewhat attempt to verbalize these thoughts and have somehow managed to piece together a method in this madness of thoughts. or so i hope to anyway.

Lies, the problem and solution to life's question. Lies, It fucks everyone but yet, everyone loves a lie. Imagine if you will, your significant other having carnal relations with another. But its just purely carnal and while his/her body does not belong to you, her mind and soul are devoted to you. Everything but the sex.You could go so far as it to call it "love". And you live in absolute relationship bliss. S/he completes you. Would you like to know about it then? And you can toss bliss and happiness and contentment out the window. Or would you rather live a lie. A happy lie. A blissful lie? Imagine a doctor, whose patient is dying. Imagine when a pregnant woman who asks if she's fat. Imagine a kid asking his father if santa clause is real. Imagine when little Billy asks his dad if mommy is ever coming back. Imagine trying to get into the club when you're underaged. Imagine visiting your favourite grandma who told you not to smoke when you were younger and you're doing the exact opposite but grandma is blissfully unaware and you know it would break her heart if she knew you were smoking. Imagine telling someone that you fucking hate them to save them from you. Imagine... Becasue no one can live in a world of total truth and honesty. Because the truth hurts.

What is the yardstick of life? How do we measure morals and principles? What sets the standard? What is good and bad? Right and wrong? Hitler believed with every fibre of his being that what he was doing was right. Bush, glorious Bush, believed what he did was right. Timothy Mcvey and various others of like minded thought what he did was right. But we as a society are appalled and dismayed and condemn the actions of these men. What makes us right then? Is killing bad? It must be since we are quick to condemn it as per Mr Saddam. How would you feel then if your family was killed by someone right in front your very eyes and you're forced to watch and afterwards physically and mentally tortured? Your life has been spared yes. But some scars wont heal, the non physical more so than the physical. And one day, you then have the opportunity to kill this person who has done you so much wrong that at one point death was so much more preferable than being alive. Would you? Its all very easy to say now in a hypothetical situation that "oh, i dont believe in killing anyone. killing is bad. no one should be killed, no matter what their crime." But faced with that situation for real, with the mental anguish and the hate and rage burning up inside of you for this person who has taken away everything from you, would you? Principles and moral and personal character all play a part , yes, but can it really stand up to an emotionally charged situation? Can you look into the eyes of the person who took everything away from you and still say," no, killing is wrong"? And if you do eventually pull the trigger/stab and skewer him like a kebab/punch him till he's nothing but a bloody mess of flesh and bones/ etc etc ways of taking a life, congratulations, you have broken the standards and your actions are condenmed by society. Though im pretty sure that revenge was sweet and primitively satisfiying, but hey, it wrong. Again, what is the standard? What is the yardstick? Ok, away from the blood and gore, next situation, onto my favourite area, infidelity. Its generally seen as something negetive and not condoned but yet sexual promiscuity is cool isint it? And the simple excuse that we can give is "oh im not married and neither is s/he. so why should i give a fuck? i just wanna have fun!" Well, in a way, yeah, i mean, neither one of you is married,least of all to each other and as such dont owe any duty to be loyal. But when someone cheats on you it hurts dont it? Why? I thought it was cool? Oh.. so when it happens to someone else its cool but when its a personal things its not anymore huh? Standards and yardsticks... to this issue i take a quote from the matrix to end this discourse. "Do not try to bend the spoon. Thats impossible. Instead try to realize the truth. There is no spoon. Then you'll see,that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."

Had this discussion with Joyce the other day. About phases. And how we all go through one in order to find ourselves. Take Wil for instance(those that dont know, he's my half brother). He b representin' the ghetto yo'! hommie b true 2 tha 'hood for life yo! Listenin to' teh wicked skillz of Eminem and 50 cent, the illest shit on the streetz for shizzo! B wearing them bling bling and be kitted in them Quiksilver and Billabong, the illest shit on the streetz n b keeping it for Real homeboy! Yes, im very amused as well. Believe it or not thine melacholy addicted humble scribe here used to be doing the same shit when i was his age circa 13-15 years old though in all honesty and sincereness not as extreme and as poserish as Wil. Like Joyce said, we all go through this phase of self experimentation and perceived satisfaction of said phase but after a while we mature and mellow out and find our true selfs. Or not sometimes in certain cases. But for Wil, i do hope, for his sake, he really does get out of this phase as its just getting a little bit too out of hand and annoying sometimes if not oftentimes. Poser you are now, young padawan. Life is tough and always deals you a bad hand and its down to the strenght of your character and principles for you to deal with it. And right now its looking really fucked for you. But i have a little faith in you. And if this is really the real you for shizzo, there isint much i can do to stop you from being yourself. I guess that would be the most important thing here. Self identity and realization. Be it poser or not. But still, it is amusing oftentimes to look at the folly of youth.

This is what i call the "YAY" session. Not to be confused with the Gay session, the YAY session is a little space that i devote to the appreciation of the things in life that i personally enjoy..
YAY for;
Good friends, Good food, Love from the family, Hermes, film trilogies,Dunhill, ms. wet t-shirt contests, women, history, Kevin Smith films, Incubus, Mushroomhead, 311, free internet movies,webcomics, books from the late David Gemmell(God rest his soul, the world has lost a great writer), HOME

And yay for finally being able to articulate my thoughts into another piece of this great tragic poem that is ju-rants.

thank you very much for your time. apologies for any grammatical/spelling mistakes. Its about 4am here in Bristol a.k.a. foreign gulag and im proper tired but unable to sleep. But i find this time of the morning, here or anywhere else, the most condusive time for musing and contemplation and of course, ranting. rants you later.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

death in winter

The depths of winter longing are ice within my heart
The shards of broken covenants lie sharp against my soul
The wraiths of long lost ecstasy still keep us two apart
The sullen winds of bitterness still keen from turn to pole

The scars and twisted tendons, the stumps of struck-off limbs
The aching pit of hunger and throb of unset bones
My sanded burning eyes, as light within them dims
Add nothing to the torment of lying here alone..

The shimmering flames of fever trace out your blessed face
My broken eardrums echo yet with your voice inside my head
I do not fear the darkness that comes to me apace
I only dread the loss of you that comes when im dead.

yeah...im back in Bristol..

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

im still alive

yes.. of that im sure. salutations and greetings of the New Year from the Promised Land that is home. Home.... home is so sad. Things have changed and so have people. Home is no longer Lemon Grass Fields(yes.. i looked it up, thats what medang serai means)but here in the cesspit of capitalism of affluenism of Tropicana. Home can be a palace or home can be a shack but, as i've said, home is where the heart is, and its not here. Its no wonder then that im out of it more than in it. But its only a temporary semi respite before the re-deportation back to the foreign gulag that is Bristol. Oh sure, i know i have it easier than most people and i should be grateful that im actually able to study overseas instead of this corruption infested racially prejudiced country that is home. But how does a demon fit well into heaven anymore than an angel withstand the sight of the unholy? Lets just say then that i am in a state of purgetory.

Home is where the family is. What family? The witch and the usurper? My own flesh and blood they are not. And my one true pillar of strength, my sister, has departed for the Sandwhich Islands a.k.a Hawaii and thus i am left here, in a siege mentallity, fighting with the waves of insincerity and half hearted and misguided anger. I dont know how long my home, my heart can withstand all this, now that my pillar has left.What would i do without you? What can i do without you? And what about Hermes you say? My four legged non judgemental unconditional companion. I'll will be in exile again boy, but wait for me. Just as Argos waited for Odysseus to return to Ithaca, wait for me. I will return for you my loyal companion. Dear old dad is, well.. dear old dad. Love him to bits i do, but, shackled he is by the witch and the usurper. You made your bed dad, and u have to sleep in it, be it filled with linen sheets of a dream that could have been, or the angry barbs of reality of what is the present. Mom, i have not seen you in years. Come back soon.

Friends. Its great to see them all again. Tupps, im so sorry i havent been able to see u yet. That damned toe is still hurting like a bitch since i broke it, but boyo i'll try my bestest to see u before i am forced back into exile. The awesome foursome, at least you have been there and never changing. The only comforts to the coldness that permeates my mind. You as well Tupps my boyo. If this were to be our Thermopylae i would be glad to lay my lives down with all of you.
The greatest resource that i have now arent materials wants and needs but simply all of you. You may be diamonds in the rough to other people but to me you're the most valuabel of all stones.What will i do without you? What can i do without you?

I have to leave all of you behind soon.

As you can see, this is a very personal and, though u cant see it, an emotional post. I dont feel like ranting today. Its too sad to rant.