Tuesday, December 12, 2006

random session 49

scrubs is a great series. its funny without the laugh tracks unless you're the dee dee dee who dosent get the jokes. its like fraiser but less stuck up its own ass in intellectual jokes that not all of us will understand. Look, i like intellectual discourse, sataires on current events and tasteful play on words as much as the next guy to me..or if its a certain someone who dosent know he's being played out and abused by his possessive girlfriend, the the other guy next to him, or..for fucks sake someone on the same damn wave length as me, but come on.. its like laughing at your lecturers jokes, which, though funny, eventually tends to ware out its humour if u listen to it every single day. No... its helps to laugh at situational comedy and slapstick once in a while as well.. but no so much that its just decreasing your already limited IQ every single time you watch it. That scrubs for you. a good balance. so far anyway. Not everybody loves raymond. yes. i get it, he's always the popular funny italian american who's a mamma's boy and yadayada yada.. yes mr romano.. it WAS funny, till it just became 10(or less or more.. i dont know.. i hate that show) seasons of moaning and whining. Goddamnit, everyone whines and moans yes, but not for every episode! and for fuck sake u need a laughtrack to show that the jokes funny. Maybe personal standards are high, but hey, if u can make me laugh without getting annoyed after 10 seasons then its all good. but fucks sake, you're not making me laugh. yes, i know its your job and u need it to survive and blablafuckingrealitybitesbla. still.. i dont like everybody loves raymond.

on the same vein of thoughts, Kramer from Seinfield uttered the word nigger. *cue gasps of horror at political incorrectness. and thus, a lot criticism and shit went out towards that "white cracker". Similarly, Dave Chappelle calls the white man a cracker head. *cue laughter at political correctness. Carlos Mencia cracks a joke and calls Mexicans wetbacks* cue laughter at political correctness. Dave Chappelle again, calls asian people chinks and gooks and assorted racial slurs even though he's married to an asian woman. with a blackenese kid. Look, racial jokes are funny. i have already mentioned this in a previous post. But when someone makes a crack like that about other races you did better be prepared to take it too. Yeah we know, nobody likes the white man. Always the exploitative, imperialistic, money grabbing racist fuckers that they are. yes. i agree. but when someone says the word nigger why is that wrong? is it because of historical racial tension? if that is so, then why does one afro american call the other a nigger and thats all cool homey? believe it or not, white comedians are funny, but they dont resort to racial jokes which most afro americans seems to do, i.e dave chappelle, eddie murphy, richard pryor, always seem to have them "cracker" jokes. Of course, racial slurs are always not condoned, but made light off no big deal right? i think its funny actually(see previous post a while back). apparently not so. double standards and political correctness prevail.

so why all this political correctness. fuck, no one knows what political correctness is anymore. 5 fucking years ago it was republicans all the way, yes to war in iraq and yes to homeland security. 5 fucking years later its all oh no its bad, we're losing soldiers, my rights are being taken away blabladidnotthinkofthefuckingconsequencesblabla. 20 years ago being homosexual was EVIL...today.... its soooo totally "in" *complete with gay hand gestures and that damned happy, i havent got care to worry in the world lalala voice. right, biasness talking there. gay people... sighzies.. just do what you want. im restating my position as semi homophobic EVEN THOUGH my roomate is a lesbian and im still friends with my lesbian ex girlfriend so who fucked me over so hard that if she were a guy it would have been sodomy. Things change, people change, but some thing never will. like the human mind set. we never had a time when there wasnt a war. we havent had a time when race and creed didnt play a significant role in our lives. we have never known peace. which is sad, because we, humanity, just have all that potential to make us the greatest thing that God ever created. but no... we're just petty. that is whats holding us back from majestic crowning glory of the species... pure fucking petiness. how i loathe this human mind set.

now back to your slapstick programme. songs you should not sing in church (or any other holy place of worship for that matter) :

Abosolutely no black and death metal, i.e Morbid Angel, Death, Dark Funeral and anything with demon names in the band name
Slayer(will usually get your average priest up in a holy panty bunch)
Songs by rappers advocating pulling a .44 on rival rapper
No rock music... unless its Christian rock. exactly how does one get into that genre? Whooooo! its great to be fucking be here in (city of concert). Remember, JESUS LOVES YOU!. something like that? honestly, not to knock on them,( i cant give examples because i dont know any christian rock bands to be honest) but i really dont need to buy your CD to reaffirm my faith in God because your music is so groovy and neat( 1970 calling ju-lian, we want our slang back(LAMER THAN A CRIPPLE(not to mention distasteful u insensetive prick you) ) )
No pop music either. even God can only take so much crap these days.

Seriously, does what kind of music u listen to really affect your faith and believes and principles? Fucks sakes, i listen to death metal but you dont see me making blood sacrifices in a pentagram in front of an alter to satan do u? i dont feel the need to go out and say, hey im a satanist, believe in SATAN! he believes in YOU! I listen to so many songs with the word fuck and so many songs which advocate atheism and drug taking and violence against your fellow man for fucking petty things and generally unpositive messages but im not that bad of an anti social....not yet anyway. i also listen to political bands but then i dont go around planting bombs and claiming to be the next Che do i? it really dosent matter what you listen you. the music dosent make you. you make yourself. saying that. I dislike pop but if thats your thing then go for it. itspoisoningyourmind.

thats all. random you later

Thursday, December 07, 2006

AnnaMolly Redux

Yay, first redux. ever. as you can obviously tell from the title its about the song AnnaMolly by Incubus. This song, in this scribes humble opinion, is one to which most of us, or maybe just me, can relate to. As most of u can tell(or not), the title is a play on the word anomaly and as mr boyd gloriously sings, i wonder if she might be. in effect, we are all searching for our Anna Molly's, that perceived rose among the thorns, that silver lining in the dark cloud that is ours, or my own, life. The ONE as u might want to put it. The person, we presume anyway, who is our perfect soulmate, life comapanion, the anamoly among the same clichedness we see every single damned day which pains us for want of some different from the indifference that is the clichedness of past experiences with plastic dolls and roses. Following the verse, i can picture her in the back of my mind. That picture goes beyond image for me. Of course i have guidelines which are not binding upon the hearts content but nevertheless are persuasive in how my emotions are dictated. Fucks sakes, who dosent have guidelines For one, she has to, for the love God, please, just once, be able to be articulate in english and of similar intellectual vein. Looks wise, i really dont care, but of course, picturing someone who might or might not be, i tend to draw references from the past though i would happily delete it like an obsolete programme were i to meet anna molly and she looks nothing like unhappy memories.But most importantly, miss anna molly, the thing i look for most in you, beyond the looks, beyond the damned guideline criteria, is the inner you. Loyalty, respect and acceptence of my short comings. Nigh impossible. Nigh impossible in this day and age. Sure, u have your success stories here and there, but then, as i've said, here and there and not everywhere. Mayhaps this be the effects of melancholy and lonliness combined with a slight positive envy of certain associates who have, presumably, found their own anna molly, to which i mention kudos? Yeah, probably and most likely.

The proverbial cloud hangs over my city of depressionville and mutes my happiness. Now then, as some people have mentioned.. alright fine, the whole damned lot of you, why this need to find for anna molly, to yearn for a proverbial lady love? a girlfriend? honestly, im a busted modem and i need a connection to anna molly(oh my fuck.... cornier than a corn on a cob/cup/popcorn and other associated corn products, or as the indians, the big ceremonial headress type and not the bollywood type, call it, maize). There are just certain things that only a woman( or man if you're a woman reading this, or if you're homosexual the same sex as yours...sheesh, the consessions we make for the gay people to not sound politically incorrect) can do for you that a good friend cant. and, though i have often times said and admit that im a horny fucker, its not all about the sex, it dosent have to be about a physical connection, though it plays a part admittedly. its about that connection that transcends, just about everything. its hard to explaine. if you've been in "love" its something like that but just so much stronger. i felt it, or so i thought, and i seek to renew that connection with a stronger one. with miss anna molly. nobody else could ever compare, anna molly, anna molly. and doo doo doo do i guess is, well,its sounds catchy in place of lyrics?

so is seeking anna molly seeking perfection. in a way it is. but then dont we all seek perfection, knowingly or not? human nature ladies and gentlemen and hopefully aliens who read this, i'll signle them with my lighter. shit, living life itself is seeking for perfection. we just dont realize that everyday when you wake up and say fuck, i've got to go for class/lecture/work in the morning we fail to realize that we're still alive. being born, having all 10 fingers and toes and all healthy organs is a perfection. the only limit to our perfection is our mind set. and with that, i leave this rant. it started out with the quest for annamolly and turning into a short burst of life appreciation and preachyness. thats what you call a perfect rant, unstructured and incoherent

i like my blog name, simple and straight to the point. ju-rants. thats exactly what you're getting. me ranting.its not something fanciful and unconnected to what i believe in, which is using this blog as an outlet to rant. like supposed bliss(haha... just kidding sis), waikibukakibubbalooshongo. haha.. ok so that was made up, but u know what im getting at. but then, never judge a book by its cover eh?

alright lovelies. thats it for now. more semi intellectual/ idiotic nonsensical discourse next time. when i feel like it.

Friday, November 24, 2006


Check this song out. You know when im posting song lyrics i have nothing else better to write about but i feel like i have to share this song with you, dear reader.


A cloud hangs over
Its a city by the sea
I watch the ships pass and wonder if she might be
Out there and sober as a well for loneliness
Please do persist girl its time we met and made a mess

I picture your face in the back of my eyes
A fire in the attic a proof of the prize
Anna Molly, Anna Molly, Anna Molly
Doo doo doo doo do, Doo doo doo doo do

A cloud hangs over
And mutes my happiness
A thousand ships couldnt sail me back from distress
Wish you were here
I'm a wounded satellite
I need you now put me back together make me right

I picture your face in the back of my eyes
A fire in the attic a proof of the prize
Anna Molly, Anna Molly, Anna Molly
I'll crawl to your name
I'll bend to the earth
Nobody else could ever compare
Anna Molly, Anna Molly

Wait there is a light
There is a fire illuminated attic
Fate or something better I could care less
Just stay with me a while

Im looking for you AnnaMolly. Props to tupps for bringing my attention to this song.

Thursday, November 23, 2006


i have noticed that since being in this foreign gulag that my entries thus far have been of political incorrectness and that of bitching and whining about how i miss home. yeah. sorry. i still hate the malaysian government to the utmost and everything it stands for. but i miss my country and not my country's government. i cant say for the day because its been there for 20 years and the main party just isint going to roll over and die just anytime soon. and home, whats not to miss about home? good food, fine weather and lovely friends and dearest family. anyway, i thought its about time to life my bowed head and rise above the fog of depression and write a totally random blog. nothing is being plan and i follow my train of thought as it switches tracks like some hollywood gossip column. memes could follow, funny anecotes or just plain crazy rambling,along with a lot of spelling mistakes, like pliane and beastiality. we'll see

some of my favourite redundancies:
giving a deaf man an ipod
giving a blind man a plasma tv
giving a paraplegic a football to kick around
giving gloves to a man who has no hands and boots to a man with no legs
giving condoms to lesbians
taking a gay man to a strip club(not chippendale)
taking a vegetarian to a steak house
dating a neo nazi while you are jew/black/ non white.
eating a beef burger at a hindu festival/temple and pork at a jewish/musilm festival/place of worship
wearing a "satan rules" t-shirt to church
listening to (insert pop group/singer) while wearing a Slayer t shirt

you can call all these redundancies insensitive. i call them funny. the reason they are called redundancies is because no one who has a reasonable logical thinking would ever do such a thing unless you're a Dee DEE dee. and the thought that someone would actually be in those situations is funny because you did be a Dee x3. And its not like i have anything against spastic people.you're born like that and cant help it. its against people who grew up normal and then became a spas.

oh my fuck.... memes!! like i said, nothing scripted, all random. either that or im running out of creative juice and politcal (self)righteousness

speaking of which, congratulations to the Democratic party in the U.S for winning the majority in the HR and Senate. u have 2 years. do something.

in regards to relationships, again, well, look at this scenario. my friend, who identity shall remain annonymous, lets call him X, is not satisfied with the current relationship which he is in now. the girl treats him like a slave and she is really all the things you dont want in a girl besides the looks. i can attest to this because i've seen her and how she affects my friend. he has been advised as to just quit if he is being unhappy. to which he replies, she's nice to me "AT TIMES" and then we have the EX factor coming into play. you know that song by hinder? lips of an angel? yeah. same exact situation. now then, mr X situation is not one of its kind, similar stories are abound all the time. Now, can mr X be blamed for feeling how he feels? I would say no but then if u play with fire and you get burned, are you going to play with it again?obviously not unless you're an arsonist. basically if something makes you unhappy then you should cease and desists such activity no? oh frail human emotions, rationality and you do not make a homely couple. we love to hurt and hurt to love i think is how it goes. all i can say to mr X is this, you know whats best for you. we as your friends can only advise you so much but we cant force you to do anything either. at the end of the day only you can do what you think is best for you. but we as friends would still stick with you. sure, u'll get burned every now and then by us in our moments of boyish immaturity, but we'll still stick by you at the end of the day. for better or worse.

the quality that i admire most in a person is loyalty. to the right people and to the right cause in life. i dont know if thats common sense or if im speaking from experiences of infidelity, but loyalty, i feel, is the most important principle a person should have. next to common sense and moral decency at least. but then all 3 go hand in hand. you should have the common sense and moral decency to be loyal to someone or something which has done you good and betters your life and not be some backstabber.

watch carlos mencia do comedy. racial jokes are funny because it is generally true. why do u think stereotypes exists? its because its true. and if its something negetive then it should be laughed at because of its negetivity and steps should be taken to overcome it. of course if its also not negetive, it makes a good laugh. its always good to laugh at yourself and not be so serious all the time. me, im generally mostly serious and quiet. serious because there isint much to laugh at at the moment and i did look like a Dee x3 if i laughed all the time. quiet because i simply have nothing to say and i did rather listen and learn than be a tin kosong(empty tin). that dosent mean i dont have a sense of humour or that i dont like you. i just basically have nothing to say.

ok. end of randomness. im obviously alive and well,otherwise i would not be writing this. sorry for the irregular postings. im buzy. take care and much love to all of you who matter the most to me .you know who you are. not all the nine lovely ladies included but some are in my heart. till i see you again.

*cue diverse ways of saying goodbye

Sunday, November 05, 2006


one month without a post. bleh, unlike some people im not a slave to blogsphere. i use it as it is intended, as a LOG. how the hell did the 'b' come into play anyway? anyway, i understand why now its more important to keep a blog actually.besides the fact to let you know that im still alive and not rotting away in some gutter while some damn kid is poking me with a stick and charging his friends a quid/ringgit/buck/currency of your choice for seeing a dead body, i really need to just rant on things. small or big, inconsiquential or monumental. i just need to rant about things.

in the time that i have been here in this foreign gulag(check out what gulag means on wikipedia. interesting to say the least) where nothing is what it seems and everything seems nothing, i have come to hate this place even more. to be fair to bristol, its a nice place tourist wise. however, immigrants and long term but dont intend to stay people i.e students or something like that, its not very hospitable now innit? the people here are veiledly racist and prejudiced. generalizing of course. not all arabs are terrorist right mr bush? not all malays are racist rempits right mr lim kit siang? not all minority races are just here to rape the land and return to their country with their riches while leaving nothing behind to the dominant race of the land that was there was before the pendatang asing or even if they were born on malaysian soil itself and contribute to the land and the country they still are damn stinking foreigners and they dont deserve to be treated fairly in racial terms, economy and educational wise. they're just second class citizens... right mr hishamuddin hussien? they deserved to be killed and their blood bathed on your keris right mr najib razak, mr deputy prime minister? the supremacy of the melayu race cannot be questioned and the same is true for their religion as well is it not, mr abdullah badawi, mr prime minister? no.. of course not. you were all just generalizing wernt you?

sorry. politics. a bore arent they? u did rather know how my day went and whether i bought any presents and sovenieurs for you while im here or whether i've gone to stamford bridge and seen a chelsea match and of course, tell mr mourinho to suck eggs dont you. well, i did rather not. im fucking sick but thanks for asking. got a high fever. not gonna whine and bitch about it. its not like your sympathy is the cure for the common cold. same goes with assignments. not much help by complaining about it is there? i should have been a pyschologist. i love studying the human mind in all its fucked up-ness. honestly. its fascinating to watch human behaviour. like malaysians, specifically the chinese. even a white man can see for himself that we go in packs. and not the fierce wolf type either but the silly will-laugh-at-any-immature-jokes-and-converse-in-chinese-loudly type kinda pack. yes, i understand its your race and culture and all that shit. im a fucking chink as well too. but for fuck sake, keep the fucking noise down. and stop being so damn clannish. and dont give me the bullshit that you're gonna watch my back because im malaysian and chinese because you dont fucking know me and i dont have an interest to know you. we were never friends back home and we certainly arent going to be here. and the white man. yes, i speak with a funny accent. you do too you damn cockney bastard.i dont fucking judge you based on your fucking language, which is what i speak as well. and im shorter than you too. sorry. my bad totally. i mean, i wanted to be tall and all but it just didnt work out. so fucking sorry. whats that? the yellow skin and slant eyes? yeah. my bad as well hitler.

on the same vein of things, homosexualism. jesus there is just no way i can ever run from the word. no, im not coming out of the closet because i was never in it the first place. LGBT does not rock my boat. it never has and never will thanks to personal trauma. no i was not touched in the wrong places. please refer to my ex girlfriend for more details. im tired of reopening an old wound. anyway, my roomates a les. there are several gay associates of mine who, even though their sexual orientation is very...i dont know how to put it in a polite way so i just wont say anything but its something along the lines of distasteful, to me, i will not sacrifice years and years of frienship just for an irrational fear and prejudice that i have for homosexual people. i understand that they are people too. i understand its now becoming more acceptable. i get it, the world is moving with it and i guess i better mosey along with it lest i get left behind in antiquity. dosent mean i have to like it. i accept the principle of trust and land law but that dosent mean i have to like the damn subject.

on the subject of relationships. god. i dont know. i havent been in one for years so its all beceomed uncharted territory for me again. im suffering from relationship and, to an extent, sexual gastritist. i really dont know. there hasnt been a ONE. there's just been AnnaMollys and AnyAmys. either something that just isint right or too fleeting a feeling for me to feel anything. and call it insecurity or having too high of a standard. but i fish one way and you fish another. damn i havent had a filet in years though. I did like to leave to leave it to fate, but when has fate ever done me any good? in the current circumstances, i seem to have no choice. im luring but not catching. this fisherman analogys are pretty weird since i've only gone fishing one and i didnt catch anything other than mosquito bites. lame and cliched circumstances i know. but that's how it really happened. And, in a related matter, and this rant goes out to someone who isint going to read this anyway but fuck it, its a rant, you are more than just friends. you can have her. i dont go for another man's woman. and control your damn alcohol you bastard. i'll kill you next time you swing when im not looking. for my family, dont be concerned. it was a minor altercation not of my doing and im fine, we did not involve the authorities and everything is cool now.

random information; wikipedia is a lovely place to visit when you're bored. and so is youtube. and i like watching ANTM. sorry. i know its a show about models and the bitching and the crying game and the emotional game and tyra tyra tyra. so sue me. i like looking at hot women. hot wanna be model women. sorry but manhunt just wasnt.. oh my fuck(not a typo, i wanted to say it this way) its a show about male models. why the hell would i want to see that for? i reiterate, im not a gay or bi or tranny. if that rocks your boat then fine(said with an ewww added before and after).dont turn the fucking guilt trip on me saying i dont understand or its just personal. i fucking understand. be fucking thankful i dont go around bashing your gay little heads(hahaha) in like buju banton(wikipedia it) . Im not being sexists either. hot women turn me on and men dont. i dont know how much more clearer and logical i can make it for you.

sorry. just in a really bad and melancholic mood. makes me think too much. deal with it. girls can have bitch mode . that is totally sexist of you and not me, coz if u wanna bitch about something go ahead, just away from me. what is the male equivalent of a bitch mode anyway? anyway, its a blog. you rant. or do a damn meme. or post pictures of yourself to bring out the inner exhibitionist in all of us. or journalize it. up to you. its yours.make of it what you will.

that should tide you over till next time. apoloies for spelling mistakes and nonsensical arguments. fuck it. you dont care. and neither do i.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Boredom (in) Bristol

Boredom and Bristol both start with the same alaphabet. im starting to think it isint just coincidence. Everything here closes at 8 besides the pubs and the strip clubs which i have yet to find and thus visit just for "experience" sake. and dont get hyped up about the "open and liberal" society that i am currently living in. the only thing open about them are the female's legs and the guys bottles.(not meant as a sexual innuendo but now that i think about it...) and they are liberal to the extent that they liberally do not like foreigners who arent tourists. they only speak to you so they can hear you speak english the way you've been taught and not english english which is in itself something totally not akin to english. paradoxical and ironical englishmen. the weather here is lovely though. its either windy or raininy or gloomy with small random bursts of sunshine for good measure. take your pick. and the people im with here arent friends. they are people i live with and socialize with in order to create a harmonious enviroment which is advantageous for studying. plus they cook and i dont. a real friend is someone who knows me inside out. a real friend is someone who would have my back(in a non gay way) even though i was wrong( and even take the effort to point out my flaws so i can improve on them but still accept me for who i am, flaws and all). a friend is someone who would call you at around 12 am so we can go for teh tarik in a mamak(which is non existant on this fucking island) or spend mindless hours playing some damn game in some damn cybercafe. a friend is someone who would just come out and chill with you, have a fag, engage in mindless banter on the short comings of humanity, the opposite sex who taunt us ever so often and lead us on the road for the big let down and mock gay culture. a friend is someone who would put up with your nonsensical drunken blabbering about how amazonian warriors have no right tit and still laugh along with you even if you dont know what you're laughing about in the first place because you just consumed 21 seconds of whisky from the bottle. a friend would drag your sleepy ass out of bed so you can company him for PJ nasi lemak. a friend drives you around(with you paying for the petrol and food contributions as well) because you're have a phobia about driving.a friend is someone who has an iq higher than your other friend with a less iq introduces you to a hot nympho chick who u really wanted to bone but instead engaged in a deep and meaningful conversation about life and discovered you have the same birthday and as you leave her appartment you realize you're leaving tomorrow and you should have met her sooner not just for a fuck but to talk and be glad to have meet a like minded kindred spirt to talk to and a fuck would just be a bonus. a friend buys you the jacket that you're using now. a friend would talk to you over the internet which keeps the misery and homesickness and boredom away. a friend is what im missing over here in Bristol. in short, i hate this place and i want to go home. if you havent already realized that im a really whiney ass dick(haha...ass and dick) then you shoulndt be reading this blog in the first place.

Monday, October 02, 2006

cold weather warm memories... most of em anyway

Good morning, good afternoon and good evening, which ever one you are. the time difference is so fucked here i really dont know anymore. its 2 am local time Bristol and i cant fall asleep even though my eyes are bloodshot. i feel tired but i just wont go to sleep. and it cant be jetlag because i've been here for 2 weeks plus and the week before i was sleeping fine. shit. and as per the title, its fucking cold right now. and its going to get colder withing the coming weeks. right, i know its much colder up north and bla blickety blah but come on, when you're used to the weather never being below 27 celcius and suddenly you wake up everyday with the tempreture being about 9 - 10 celcius, its a big fucking climate change. but i suppose i'll will have to get used to it. Its not like i can do much about being homesick. the weather, the friends, the food and most importantly, the family. Hermes included. Here, besides from having a shaky malaysian connection with the other malaysians and of course a couple of nice white and black folks here and there, its...lonely. No, i have not had a bang/shag/fuck yet. its hardly the top of my priorities right now. I just want to get through my studies, get through everything without a hitch, get every little administrative and bureaucratic bullshit out of the way. I just want to go home.

I remeber a time when, back home, 2 am was considered "still early". DotA, pj nasi lemak, drinking nights or just plaine talking cock. God, i really miss all that. I know that all of them, they would willingly watch my back and though we might disagree about shit sometimes and fight, like how all families do, i would willingly stand with them. always. Here, who's watching my back? who will stand with me? im just a foreigner.

sorry for being melancholic. cold weather does that to you. and since my liver is so fucked i cant drink. so smoking it is, regardless of the slight wheezing. i think i'll quit. but then what is to keep me warm? memories, thats what. bittersweet memories. on a lighter note, i made the american football team. Offensive lines man. GO BULLETS! and a darker note, i fucked my ankle. its not broken but i cant put much weight on it either. just gotta walk it off i guess.

anyway, thanks for listening to a homesick student's rant. its fucking cold right now so i am going to get under the blanket with 2 shirts and sweater and socks on. and yes, obviously im wearing my jeans to sleeps. sadly another body(preferably female of course, me no bhatty bhoy) is all thats missing. good night Bristol, good morning Malaysia. sodding off.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


you know that tale about how if you put an evil person in a room with a good person they did both exchange personalities? the good person becoming evil and vice versa? nope...neither did i. theoretically it could be possible. practically i think its total bullshit. you cant change a person and his/her beliefs and principles. no matter what they may be. unless you're someone with no backbone or personality of course. what defines us all is the individualism we all aspire to want to have. to do our own thing. of course.... being human, this is nigh impossible being the social creatures that we are. and with sociality comes compromise. and with compromise comes the burying of hatchets. that is the current situation here in Bristol. Old feuds, past misunderstandings and miscommunications and supposed slights have to be forgotten in order to forge an acceptable harmonized social environment. with social graces and all that fake stuff. i guess its not all fake i guess. im making a very conscious effort to be nice to everyone so as to not create a disharmonized environment in an already tense and disorientating situation. but there's only so much on can take. and theres only so much one can try to forgive but not forget. and it dosent help that i keep getting recurring dreams about the one who shall not be named. in all her beautiful ugliness. with her the hatchet shall always be armed and bloodied.

anyway, if you're quite finished with all the metaphors and illusions and innuendos, its pretty fucking boring here. and i havent had a shag yet. and im joining the american football team. thats your cue to laugh. anyway, im off now to the try outs. cheers. englishmen can never say thanks or welcome but just cheers. damn drunkards.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

not really a stranger in a strange land

well well well...first foreign post. blogging and ranting to you live and direct from Frenchay Campus of UWE in Bristol, England. the first thing that comes to mind is that its fucking cold here. ok.. maybe an understatement. its not like malaysian weather thats for damn sure. am currently acclimatizing myself to the weather, the time, the people and trying to speak english a little slower so the white man can understand me better. im on their turf now. im the foreigner. but its not so bad really. so far all the locals "seem" nice and polite. but then again, its only been 48 hours since i've arrived. walking is the "in" thing here it seems. you walk everywhere. im going to be fucking thin with all the walking im doing. that is...if they stop giving out free beer at the student union bar. am currently staying with 2 other malaysians and a french girl and a cypriot dude. nice people. still...i miss the machas back home. i miss their girlfriends(in a very platonic way) i miss having a nasi lemak with some good spicy sambal and not the overpriced salty shit that they're passing off here. and you know the english.... fucking drunkards, fucking cunts and wankers. they is well pissed off(drunk). yes... have come to slightly understand the language. meet an irish dude the other day thought. Jesus, Marty and Fucking Joseph. good bloke. treated like shit by the admin because he's irish. fuckin hell. wankers. just a little taste of what i have to put up with on a daily basis. am kinda drunk now. beer here is really cheap. i miss my family. i miss my friends. i miss aliyah. i miss home... fuckin hell...sodding off. catch u later luv.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


well.. the day has finally arrived. i am to depart my beloved home and live as a foreign exile for a year in England. i need not write another farewell post as i have already done so. again, all of you, all my loved ones, friends and family and even my four legged friend Hermes, i love all of you and will miss you all. your memories will keep me warm on those cold and lonesome nights in a foreign land. fare thee well all of you. till we meet again. till the prodigal son returns to the promised land.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

blind hatred

these thoughts are mine and purely mine.

there arent a lot of issues in my life that i have not resolved at one point or another. thats the kind of person i am. i need a solution and resolution to everything. i never like to leave anything hanging.all issues.... except one. i've learned the hard way that reopening old wounds are never a good idea. it hurts. it gets septic. its kills you from the inside out and its eats at your tormented soul till it almost drove me mad. i'll be upfront here and say that, because of an unfortunate event in the past that has been a significant turning point in my young life so far, that i am extremely homophobic. im sure all of you know michelle so there's no need to republish any undisputed facts of history.

im questioning my convictions now. is it me vs the homosexual society or is it just me? i've done my research. i know what lesbianism is about. i know... that they are people just like you and me with just a different sexual prefference. i know they arent all out to steal away your girlfriend or your boyfriend. except you Sam, you sadistic bitch of a dyke. i sincerely hope that you will die a horrible miserable death. i've come to accept the fact that, like all people, all races, all religion, no one is ever perfect. everyone's just human, nothing more and nothing less. and i have enough sense to know that hating an entire community and wishing they were all dead is useless and a waste of emotion. all of it sounds so simple and logical and rational right? haha....if only life was rational. the head can tell you the most rational thing in the world but your heart and your guts, the one you listen to themost should never be associated with rational and logic. ask any gay person out there now. why do they do it. can they give a correct and logical answer? a man married with kids can turn gay. a women who has dated men all her life can find her life partner in a lesbian. where is the logic in that? hitler killed millions of jews, and the people loved him for it. is that logical? no.. humanity and logic are estranged from each other for now and forever. our hubris. the same applies to me. the only justification which i can humbly provide is that the large wound of my heart caused by betrayal is and never will be healed. its will be with me for life and try as hard as i might to listen to logic and rational i just cant shake it off. its post traumatic stress. michelle, i know and you know we can never be more than just friends ever again. you know that i still and always love you for everything post trauma, but... im sorry... i can never forget and forgive fully. and if your community has to suffer, be hated by just only me.. than that will be the case. a girl who was raped by her father has lost her faith in all men and is now a lesbian . now use that analogy to me. i have lost faith in all gay people because of such an emotional trauma. they never did anything to me and not all of them are like sam or you. neither was every man like the girl's father. never forget, the knife cuts both ways

i am HOMOPHOBIC. that is who i am. all people are different. that i know. well...so am i. you can call it blind haterd. we are all blind to what we really want. we can analyse things, try to make sense of things, try to make things the way we want, try to make things better. but how can we when we dont even see whats really in front of us.

i sincerly thanked you michelle. i was sincere in that. and im sincere about our friendship. i have come to accept the fact that we were never meant to be. but scars never disappear. the memories will always be there no matter how i try to psycho myself. so...is it a contradiction that even though im a homophobe that we are still friends? yes...to the fullest extremes...if someone looked in a dictionary for the word contradictory they wound find out friendship there in the definition.lets just say that i did rather have you as a friend rather than not have you at all. but i still am a homophobe. there are more stranger things in heaven and earth than this. that i can assure you. life is a contradiction itself anyway. we live to die and we die, physically and metaphorically, so that others may live. life...is a contradiction.goddamned english lit...its made us all analytical over emotional fucks.

L ies
I nfinately
F ucks
E veryone

Thursday, August 24, 2006


its 6:45 am on the 23rd day of the month of august in the year 2006 AD. here sits a scribe who has nothing else better to do but sit in front of his new lap top and blog. these are his random thoughts and innermost feelings.

as in the immortal words of Maynard James Keenan(Tool /APC), in the song entitled 3 libras to be specific, its difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over. exactly at what it is im a little disappointed and feeling passed over about is difficult to explain. mostly its with myself. i seem to preach a lot of things like understanding and rationale, trying to find a middle path in life on which to tread. but emotions can make you do crazy things as im sure most of you can attest. crazy crazy things... people keep talking about the past being the past. that time can never be reversed and actions can never be reenacted in the hope of a different result. the past is what made us. without the past there is no present. no future. remember that saying about those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it? why is there always a negative connotation when we say that saying? if you're jewish i would understand. your race never had it easy back then and even now. things are better now you say? nay, things arent better now. things are just more convenient. we had wars then but who to say the wars today are better. if humanity could put half the effort it puts into coming up with ways to kill one another more conveniently into other things then i would say things are better. sad fact of the matter is its not. just more convenient. and besides being more convenient we are luckier than our predecessors. i never had to work on the farm or walk 5 miles to school. i never had to endure the hardships of war or poverty. i said luckier but i didnt say any better. the mentality of humanity is still shittier than shit. money is king and money is the whore. money is nothing and everything. we do such crazy things for money or money's worth. crazy crazy things... like being unfilial to someone who has brought you up with his blood, sweat and tears. literally. this is in reference to my 3 uncles. you are all useless pieces of shit and im ashamed to call myself your nephew. bastards.

i was going off tangent there. but then i never had a drawn out draft of what i was going to write in the first place so hence i cant be off tangent. anyway, as you could obviously(or not) tell, the theme here has to do in general with time, more specifically that past. to all the women that i have dated and liked in general, sorry i wasnt what you expected but then again, neither were you. we lived and learned and it was nice knowing you. except gyn, you were very unpleasant. i shall not indulge in listing the supposed wrongs that you did to me because 1) i've already done it, 2) its not like it would make a difference to the things you have done(there's that time theme again) and 3) its not worth it to get hurt with unwanted memories. and of course a berating from the ever insightful tupps. specifically, michelle, yeah, the past is the past. we were friends, we were lovers, we were enemies(im sure it was one sided but justified on my part anyway), we were everything and nothing. only you have taken me to the highest mountains and the lowest valleys on this landscape of life. i have experienced every emotion, even those i never knew i had with you. and they were all bittersweet. i dont know whether to thank you or to slap you for this myriad of emotions which have now become a life lesson to me. since i dont hit girls(even though some do deserve it, hearts and feelings are not to be toyed with. fellow brothers, this applies to you too. dont fuck around till it hurts. and im not talking about orifices either) it would probably be the former then. you still make me sad but i guess you can be vicariously excused for that by my voluntarily exposing myself to the danger of relapse. but hey, not all of us want to live forever. there's a thin line between love and hate as iron maiden once said. you are that line.

in regards to the anti homosexual rant... that is still my post traumatic stance. take it or leave it. experiences makes us all jaded and biased. even if its sometimes wrong. like staying up for 48 hours and watching family guy and all of kevin smith's movies, except clerks 2 and jersey girl. havent seen those two yet. looking forward to it. and getting some much needed rest. chasing amy is still the best mirror-of my life movie.

22 days left to imposed exile and to you re reading that premature farewell post.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Vermilion is the colour of dirty blood

im a little too hungover to post anything of substance or rant right now after last nights 21 seconds. but i feel this niggling feeling of trying to justify the previous hate rant. a big gigantic head shot from the past is alls i can say. not much of a justification but..heh...who gives a shit. take it or leave it.

listen to this song. maybe it might mitigate things. however, somethings are just so unmittagable, unforgettable, unforgivable, unjustified....

Vermilion part 2

She seemed dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself

Now I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable
She's a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason

I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad
But I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

I catch in my throat
Torn into pieces
I won't - No
I don't want to be this

But I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real
I can't make her real

one of their more...softer songs.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

blast from the past

having previously stated that i do not like homosexuals i did like to restate my position again. i do not like gay people. i can be civilized with you and communicate with you but if you look at me as a piece of meat then im not sorry about not landing my fist on your face followed by my shoe. ever wondered why there's anti gay violence? and stop acting like you're the victims. you aren't. you arent special either. you're just love starved.. willing to look for love anywhere...or anyone. so maybe some of you had some internal hormonal imbalance when you were born. boo hoo.... i look at you like how i would look at a puppy who was born with six legs and two penises. God wasnt kind on you and didnt really spend much time on you. however, what really grinds my gears are those sudden trend following homosexuals. its pretty obvious you're just succumbing to peer preassure(though i dont know what kind of peers you have if u can fall into such deviant ways) if you've dated a person of another sex, as is how its supposed to be, for pretty much of your adolescent life and sometimes even thrive about it and suddenly have an announcement to make about your sexual prefference for someone of the same sex, then thats just pathetic. its like as if you got addicted to crack. you keep taking it because it makes you feel all good inside, and need more and then you get addicted. and when they, the people who really care about you, ask if you're a junkie then you proudly tell them yes im a fucking drug addict and im so fucking proud of it. people get jilted and cheated and used and abused. show me a normal human being who dosent and i'll show you utopia. life is nothing but a bed of rose thorns and you shouldnt have to be so love starved that you did be will to search for it anywhere and from anyone. and you do not have the right to fuck up someone's life just for your own selfish pleasures or curiosity. curiosity dosent kill the cat, just us. no, i dont think anyone can ever accept that people become homosexual because it is just so unnatural. but then again, there's no telling to what depths humanity can go to even though we have seen to the centuries just how deep that depravity goes. and in my humble opinion thats just scratching the surface of it all. btw; when chicks do lesbian porn, dont get it wrong, they arent fucking lesbian and they're just doing their job. real lesbians... they are insidious man hating undecided and selfish people.and why is it if you so reject the idea that you dont need men then why do u feel the need to have babies(whether through artificial insemination which again requires a man or through adoption; bravo, there goes another child brainwashed by your lies) or feel then the need to marry your partner or categorize them as butch and female? you people really dont know what you want. im generalizing and i dont care if im sprouting lies. you certainly didnt feel the need to tell the truth but keep lying until it was too late. when has telling the truth ever brought about any good anyway?humanity was built and thrives on lies caluculated to hurt one another and ourselves. i think the best solution right now would be for humanity to kill themselves and save God the trouble from regretting His decision to ever create such disgusting, depraved self hurting and self destructive creatures.

i was watching the L word and i got a serious blast from the past. and u can call me clingy, over-emotional, vengeful,undecided, angry, delusional, confused and all manner of other words to convey fucked up -ness but i really couldnt give a shit anymore. you dont know ...you wont know...you will never know...

God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve.

Friday, August 18, 2006

boredom begets bored rants

im so bored right now that i;
1) searched for random items on wikipedia.
2)tried to renew my passion for rap and while doing so wondered why people get so offended by the word "fuck". its just a word. a multi purpose,utility word that can be used as a noun,adverb and verb in past, present and future tense. its just a word
3)tried naming all 50 states in the USA without reference and i got stuck at 43
4)would like to play some PC games but my monitor and my display card are both fucked
5) composed a mental poem about how confused humans are while listening to tool but could'nt remember the last stanza. i think it went something along the lines of God was drunk while making us or something like that
6)wondered what happened to Vanila Ice, Jean-Claude van Damm,Chuck Norris and Steven Siegel. in that order. the last three used to be such good action stars. used being the key word.
7) wondered how someone who sang hit me baby one more time can now be married and ranting about time travelling . how the mighty(fine) have fallen.
8)wondered if ken watanabe was a pedophile and zhang zi yi has a thing for much much older men in memoirs of a geisha
9)tried to actually write a script about a guy who was raised as a gay but is actually a closet straight. then thought it sounded ridiculous. but then figured that if people can watch shit like the lakehouse, nine songs and some show about how 2 french chicks who get raped get so pissed off that they go on a rampage and kill men by seducing them first... i might have a chance to go to the cannes film festival. and yes.. i dont like homosexuals. i dont hate them either.
10) wondered for the thousandth time whether i should have done film instead of law. no resolution again this time
11) wonder why people dont really like enya and why she dosent get any airtime.
12) thought about the joke about the japanese,chinese and malaysian man who went to see God. The Japanese man asked God when Japan would win the world cup and God said in 50 years. The Japanese man started crying because he wouldnt live that long to see it come true. The chinese man asked the same question and God said 100 years. The chinaman cried like the jap for the same reasons. The Malaysian man when malaysia would win the world cup and God started crying. and i laughed.
13)wondered about which part of the body decomposes first when you die. an article in playboy said it was the penis. ouch. good thing im already dead then.
14)wondered how come there hasnt been a good hollywood big budget remake of Frank Herbert's Dune. it would beat the socks off Star Wars. Sorry Mr. Lucas but the idea of small little bear like creatures kicking the crap out of well trained Imperial "Stormtroopers" does not appeal to me. And the first and second episode sucks. so there.
15)wondered how come wonderwoman never got her own movie yet?
16)wondered why i always fall in love with the wrong women? from the ultra possesive, to the i-just-wanna-be-part-of-the-cool-crowd to the lesbian. shit. wait till i tell this to my kids. on that same vein, i really dont know how im going to cope with having a daughter, if today's yardsticks are anything to go by i'll go bald in no time. and no im not being a sexist. im being a realist.
17) wondered that, with the government being what it is, corrupt and prejudiced and a law unto themselves, why bother with elections?
18) wondered why did tupps blog in a comment of a blog. arent ironies lovely? its like being in love with a lesbian ala chasing amy.
19)wondered if i really sound like an indian on the phone. i cant help it if im a macha trapped in a chink body..
20) wondered if im wondering too much and not doing enough. like ending this blog and watching the simpsons which is on now. yeah.

see ya.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

a lot of asides in an aside

alright. so the farewell post was a bit too premature. forgive this humble scribe if u will. was feeling really sensitive and emotional at the time. blame the dog. he gave me the saddest look in the world that kinda said "i know you're leaving" and then one thing led to another and i started thinking about my family and friends and the end result was that post. it could also be because of too much alcohol consumption that caused me to hallucinate that my dog was giving me that look. anyway disregard it for now and read it again when i really leave on the 13th of september. to my thai-english-chinese rojak brother...thanks tupps. how our bond began we will never know but a brother you are indeed. and yes, in regards to blogging and life, im angry, confused and undecided.. in that exact order although arent the last two really kind of the same thing?

i was thinking of doing that stupid putting-it-on-your-blog-will-make-people-think-you're-cool-because-you-answered-it-with-(supposed)-wit surveys (for..u know...fun... alright so i was bored and after seeing one porn you've seen them all... its all the same shit.. in out in out in out in out.. booooring) but then it struck me. isint it all a lil bit to cliched? telling everybody whats your favourite food,colour,what you would do in a particular situation or whats your favourite sex position(she can be the cowgirl...oh yeah...). what do u call it these days? a meme? how the hell are u supposed to pronounce that word anyway? it sounds like the scientific name of an intimate part of your body. i agree. the internet is a great technological advancement for mankind(that includes you ladies too... u feminist). information at your fingertips. unedited up-to-date news coverage(sorry cnn..but i dont think u copyrighted that. if u did..sorry). and free porn of course. but memes? i dont know if most of you are exhibitionist at heart but there are certain pieces of information i did like to keep to myself. is it any wonder why cases of people stalking other people are on the high? by telling people what are your dislikes and likes it would be so easy to get to you and the aftermath? well,it could all be the start of a beautiful friendship in a fairytale maybe(albiet a very modern technologically advanced one...haha...can you imagine snow white e-mailing/texting/podcasting videos of herself with just an apple to prince charming?what a stereotype... how do you know they're all charming or that all knights wear white and/or shining armour? do u know how much polish u need to get it shining? and imagine the poor girl. sun glasses weren't invented at the time. no wonder the always wore veils.) but you and i know that fairytales dont exists and in reality its just a fast track to stalking or worse a rape case or the worst, a rape cum murder case. in this country at least. criminals here would do anything as the newspaper headlines would show you these days. if they arent about what politician said what to/about each other. instead of talking how about really making a difference and providing a better, effective, non bribe taking police force? too many people, your electorate, have died for just a few measly ringgit. or because of someone's uncontrollable lust, or both. thats why, in my humble opinion of course, we should legalize prostitution and pornography. the singaporeans did it and do u see a high crime rate? i know a lot of friends and acquaintances who watch porn but do we do go around raping? so many questions to be asked but not a lot of people are willing to be accountable and answer such questions. oh...better watch what i say here too or they'll send me to Kamunting and detain me without my Constitutional rights because its seditious to tell the TRUTH.

im sorry. that rant was just so very off tangent from what i was originally trying to convey. living up to my billing of being confused and undecided i guess. i did throw in anger as well but that wasnt so much anger but frustration at how this country is being run and how humanity's worst enemy is it's insidious self. and dont get me started on whatever is going on in Lebenon. thats just plain senselessness(is that a word? like embiggens?its a simpson's insider joke in case u didnt get it) and thank God(though i doubt most Lebenese who have lost their homes and their loved ones will have too much to be thankful for) for the recent ceasefire. but the world being what it is today, im pretty skeptical that the fighting will stop. and in that same vein, all you protestors, do you thinks catchy chants and placards and your banners will really stop the war? it didnt work with iraq and afghanistan(which the world has almost forgotten now anyway) now did it? the Israelis and Hezbollah didnt really consult you when the bombs started dropping and the rockets started killing and they wont listen to you now. and do u really think that hopes and prayers and moral support are going to rebuild homes and bring back lives? you arent Isreali nor are you Lebenese so you dont know jack shit about what's going on over there. so quit blocking up the streets and do something more important. like volunteering to help or sending food and money and medicine over there and not coming up with catchy chants and fancy placards and banners. heh..dont get me started it seems.

anyway, coming back to memes(ugh...i dont even like saying that word) my stand towards it would be that its useless. but then thats just my stand. i guess some people really are just exhibitionist and more outgoing than some others(like me) and did really like for other people to know them better.. for better or worse. just.. dont over do it.. its fucking overdone and cliched..

music reviews; we are scientist are fucking good. nobody move nobody hurt(grammatically wrong title but good song), even though its being destroyed by radioland by them playing it over and over again. i did normally discourage listening to anything played by corporate radio but hey, it's a good song. imagine singing the chorus while walking down a school/college/university/ work corridor or anyway remotely crowded. haha. and try their other songs. a one hit wonder this band is not. strictly for indie fans. ironic that they have radio airplay, being indie and all, but if it puts food on the table and pays the bills, then goody. (re my last post a while back in regards to the difference between playing good stuff and getting money to pay the bills and playing crappy pop shit and getting paid to lie to the youth of today who are already poisoned with all this pop nonseense)

my body is your body
i wont tell anybody
if you wanna use my body
then go for it, yeah

yeah....to be sung in places where the people are conservative or if you're just bored and want to see other people's expressions. like church. hehe... on that same vein, adam could be the only guy to have to been said not to cheat on his girl, well...because... of the obvious. and if you dont count bestiality. yes yes. i'll save u a space in hell too.(why is bestiality spelt like that and not beAstialiy? how do u know then its about fornicating with a beast? its like what some uneducated person would say about the best so and so. eg "the concert was BESTiality done" or "the steak here is their BESTiality")

oh.. another song to be sung in public is bloodhound gang's three point one four. dont be a lazy fucker and expect me to type the lyrics here and go download it.

anyway i've rants till i can rants no more (sorry creators of popeye..but its 7 in the morning and all sorts of weird things are permeating through my mind right now. and btw; one can of spinach does not give you the strength to take on 20 guys. you fucking lying bastards)

catch another boring, innate rant of ju next, on the same irregular time and at the same unexciting,unartsy fucking fartsy, fancifully named website.

not a lot of love but enough to give to the ppl who matter the most.

Sunday, August 06, 2006


i havent left home yet and already im homesick. i know what everyone says about going abroad to study/work. anywhere is better but here. there are more opportunities and everything is more equal and it'll be a good experience some shit along those lines. yeah, i agree with everything because its the plaine simple truth. but, me being me, i follow my heart and rarely my brains as most people who know me might attest. and home is where the heart is. the days are passing by like meaningless pillow talk, promising an unforgettable gala time shared with friends and family. yet its no use denying that each passing day brings me closer to my imposed exile in a foreign land. everything that is home is not taken for granted anymore. my room, the stand fan, the bed with bittersweet memories, the couch where i pass out into the sweet surrender of dreams and awake with bitter hangovers and a strained neck. my loyal companion idiot box. my other more prominent non human companion Hermes. the fellowship of loyal, wacky, considerate, insightful, memorable friends. missed but not forgotten. nay, never forgotten we band of brothers from different mothers. my family, though broken will always be my family, the home of my soul. you have the biggest place of all in the memory storage that is my heart. my father's guidance, my mother's concern, my sister's laughter and companionship, my relatives in general(aunties,uncles, grandparents on both sides and cousins) for their wise counsel and concern. to everyone, im sorry if i wasnt everything you wanted me to be but i damn well tried my hardest to be something close to it. and believe you me im going to make it even better now more than ever. all the memories of everyone that i have mentioned, you will keep me warm on many a cold night in a foreign land. we part for the moment but we will meet again soon enough. i love all of you in every sense of the word(except for the homosexual and incestuos way, obviously) i will miss everyone. i will miss my home. i will miss my heart.

im writing this farewell post because im feeling rather sensetive at the moment and i dont know when i will make another entry again.

fare thee well until we next meet again.

Monday, July 10, 2006

exile and viva italia

as with the same excuse for extended periods of absentism from this blog page, i was and still am buzy with this thing outside of blog world called life. anyway.. viva italia! si man! that was a good match against les blues and that fourth star on your jersey was well deserved. forza! yeah i know i said im an argentina supporter and dont get me wrong, i was thoroughly devestated that they lost and according to sources i shed a tear which i dont remember shedding. anyway, the only other good team left(in my biased opinion) were the azzuri so good for them. well deserved.

now...on to the other part of the title. i passed my second year law exams. and my reward for that one sleep deprived week of studying and all the tension and stress well known to students like myself who cram and mug everything right until the last moment when we could have done it so much more earlier but said fuck it and decided to chill out because exams are only 9 months away but on hindsight mugging till 2 hours before exams and not getting a good nights sleep, seemed like a better idea, is imposed exile in a foreign land to continue my studies. big fucking whoope. thank you very fucking much to the government of the day who decides that national university must have a fucking quota for the minority races in this country and thereby give the rest to the generally undeserving majority race for fear of racial inequality. well... so fucking sorry for being the smarter race. so fucking sorry for being born into the minority. thank you so much for making my parents spend about 100000 for sending me into a year long exile. i hate this government but i love my country. thats the extent of my patriotism. and now i have to leave. thank you so very fucking much. and u can call this bitching if u want to. you are fully qualified to since u dont share my distorted views. the white man is the best and his standards of living are the best. all hail the white man. lest you forget what a disgrace it is to be malaysian. with all the rudeness and crudeness and indifference and all that the government hasnt done for you. or how unfair it is that it bases its education system on racial issues instead of meritocracy or how nepotism and racial favouritism plays an active role in everyday social transactions and interactions. but then again no one is perfect now arent they? not everyone can be a target of terrorism and not everyone can try to play mr police man on the world's stage or sacrifice lives in a war based on lies. sorry...no one's perfect. and on the racial issue.... show me a nation that dosent have that and i'll show u malaysia winning the world cup. and i still do not like the government of the day..but hell...the opposition aint all that as well. so hence we are stuck with a case of it being better to have a known devil than an unknown devil. sucks balls

on a happier note, my close friend from ukraine has returned. good to have you back. sorry that the group has split though. its not a case of intentional mens rea but we all grew up and away from each other(well, except for boks, he hasnt grown up yet). still, good to have you back.
not being in the same happy note vein...but a former object of my affection, as i have recently been informed, has broken up with her ass of a boyfriend(again in my bias but now justified view) because he found someone else. yes...very good excuse mr no one can look at my girlfriend or i'll stare at you with the evil eye and yes im possessive but wont admit it because im a kiasu motherfucking ah beng. but hey...i dont know him that well and im just biased. anyway... poor her, she didnt deserve this and though it would be very immature of me to say so but then again...i - told- you- so. anyway, if she were reading this, chin up. shit happens and i've been there and done that and i can tell you from personal experience that life goes on if you let it. of course moving on is the hardest thing in the world to do..you can attribute that to personal experience as well.

its all about the opposite sex that leads to our downfall isint it? our heartbreak, our saddest moments. the despair and the hurt. true, relationships arent the only thing in this world that matters. each and everyone one of us has been hurt by that false prophet called love. we each react differently. some get addicted to the pain. some become cold and jaded and believe that no such thing exists and when it truly does will be too blind to see it. some just turn homosexual. falling in faster and falling out longer. as Lord Tuppersmith once said, we yearn for the non existant perfect love because its a perceived completion. a nirvana of sorts. be we are just so blinded by our collective belief of how love should be that we forget what it really means at its core. duty and devotion. alas, we need look no further than balthasar's ditty on infidelity in much ado about nothing(Act 2 Scene 3) to know that not only has it been in existance for time immemorial but also acceptable. (woohoo...shakespeare reference...intellectuals only...and no penis enlargement ads)

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Blue forever!

lately, blogging has become something akin to that of a chore. nay, like a 3000 word assignment. i generally know what i want to write and what my position is on certain issues but getting thoughts into words is kinda difficult. i shall attempt to do so and see whether the creative spark of my muse is still there or she up and left me for another unimaginative unkindred spirit, the bitch that she is. mind, as per the status quo, and since nothing has pissed me off in the last few days, the format of this inkling(typing should be the more appropriate here but then again, im complicated) of thoughts in to words.

In line with world cup the mind has procured for there to be a rant on football.Not that its any of your business but im a Chelsea fan. since 1992 and not 2002 where the club have an excess of unwanted band wagon jumpers and psychophants. for all u non football fans out there the reason for this disgusting but human display of kiasu-ness is due to the new owner of the club, a certain Russian billionaire by the name of Roman Abramovich which has injected millions into the club and through casue and effect have caused chelsea to win back to back league titles as of 2005-2006( the firsts since 1955). this is the view most currently held by naysayers of the club, certain old guard fans of Manchester United and Liverpool specifically and by everyone else not a chelsea fan generally. They claim we bought the title with the wealth of talent that has been bought through Mr Abramovich's billions. to that.. i say fuck off and leave the club alone and do your talking on the football field. Manchester United is a great club with a lot of talented players and i certainly respect the football team and not their money. And who is to say they have not spent as well in order to win?Here in lies a comparrison(all transfer fees are in pounds sterling) Rio Ferdinand cost 30 million. Juan Sebastian Veron cost 28.1 million. Wayne Rooney cost cost 27 million. Ruud Van Nistelrooy cost 18.5 million. Louis Saha and Cristiano Ronaldo both cost around 12 million each. There are other transfers which are disclosed. all in all a neat tidy sum of 150 million spent over 6 years. Liverpool similarly have spent 55 million over the past 6 years on transfers on players such as Djibril Cisse, Harry Kewell, Luis Garcia, Xabi Alonso, Mohammad Sissoko, Steve Finnan and Peter Crouch. This is not counting the ammount they spent during their glory years in the 80's and the ammount they spent on players back then if compared to today's transfers. Another team in point is the ever famous Real Madrid. They themselves have spent 200 million on players such as Luis Figo, Zinedine Zidane, Ronaldo, Baptista, Robinho,Cicinho,Ze roberto, Michael Owen, David Beckham and many other top football stars. Chelsea, in the course of 4 years have spent 270 million on its current first squad. This is the most ever spent in the club's 100 year history. Excessive? I think not. Before chelsea were the old guard that was the above clubs mentioned. they spent the ammount the spent in their time and then it was considered a huge sum for some of the players. And they had their own millionares supporting them. And they were all successful clubs. All have won their respective league cups as well as the Champions League Cup(the biggest trophy in European club football). And how have they becomed so successful? Thats right my observant reader... through spending as well. If they had the financial backing that Chelsea had believe you me they would have done the same spending as us, though i would concur that we did it in just 4 years and these old guard clubs have been at it for a while. You could say then, that we're catching up with the times. A team that wins is a happy team with happy fans. If not why create a club and have a league competition? We have the means to achieve this so why not utilize it? Please, petty jealousy is tasteless.No offence is meant to Man U/Liverpool/ Real Madrid fans. These are all awesome teams and im sure your loyalty to them is a fierce as mine. But face the facts, money or otherwise, the blue revolution is here and its here to stay. Another reason why chelsea in 4 years have becomed the most hated club in England is the fact that we have a loud, obnoxious and over confident manager by the name of Jose Mourinho. I have seen many managers in 14 year love affair with the blues such as Ian Potterfield, David Webb, Glen Hoddle, Ruud Gullit, our manager player Gianluca Vialli and the ever lovable Mr Claudio Ranieri. They were in their time good servants to the club but none have failed to deliver the league trophy, that which the club desires since 1955 where we last won it other than Mr Mourinho. Love him or hate him(most likely the latter) he has delivered and no one can deny that he is a masterful tactician. The obnoxiousness he brings is appalling to a long time fan like me and sometimes his comments irks the fuck out of me and i can understand the ire of rival club fans towards mr mourinho. Truly i do. But no one is perfect(Mr Mourinho would disagree with me on this point) and like i said, love him or hate him he has delivered and he is the current club manager, the most successful one. Dont get me wrong, i dislike Mr Mourinho myself sometimes but my love is for the club and not the man. Further, to all the band wagon jumpers.. i dont blame you for supporting a winner. Everyone likes a winner but honestly, you could fuck off. The club does not need your fickle loyalty.

I have spoken much of my love for chelsea pre the abromovich era. I love this team. The perenial nearly men till our russian oil magnate came into the picture. We never had the ronaldos and the zidanes in our time but by God we put up a good fight. Then you have the little wizard, the magic box, the lovable midget, Gianfranco Zola. This man was the player of the century for many blues fan and is personally my favourite player. Twas a sad day when this lovable little italian from Sicily retired. But embodied the spirit of Chelsea FC. Never give up and Miricles can happen. We never played good football all the time but when we did it was a magical moment that left such a strong impression on a 7 year old boy who had no idea what football was at that time that he was to choose a club that he would follow forever. Whether we win the champions league or not next year, whether everyone hates us because of the money or because of mourinho, whether chelsea will be champions or will be relegated, the colour will always be blue for me.

Here at the Bridge whether rain or fine
We can shine all the time
Home or away, come and see us play
You're welcome any day

Blue is the colour, football is the game
We're all together, and winning is our aim
So cheer us on through the sun and rain
'cause Chelsea, Chelsea is our name


and if u dont like it you know what to do. its involves the act of felatio.

nothing like a bit of passion to ignite the rant.

Saturday, June 24, 2006


the last post...right.. something blown way out of prportion. well...if u consider paying 250 for replacing the damn bumper and respraying and labour cost and petrol...then its fucking out of proportion isint it you son of a bitch? fuck you very much again.

anger...thats the biggest demon in my life.its hard to repress sometimes but i did like to think i have a pretty good job of it. sometimes. the more repressed it is the more violent it is when i emerges from its chain of moral conscience repression. i dont know. its just...this internal thing which makes me want to repress my anger..but then something can just spark it off and when it sparks it becames a raging conflagaration. it just...explodes. i dont know what im thinking or saying or doing in that kind of state. i've been lucky that i havent done anything that i would regret, hence the need for further repression which leads to further even more volentile outbursts. i dont know if i have an anger management problem or not. i mean, its alright to blow off a little steam sometimes but my way off blowing of steam makes a volcano look like an ant piss(is it scientifically true?). i have often wondered if its due to some repressent memory or something. i dont recall being abnormally angry when i was young or being extremely violent. i mean..i got angry at things which people get normally angered...like infidelity of a loved one or some back stabbing motherfucker who you thought was a friend but was just a snake in the grass etc etc. who dosent get angry at these things? even the pope or dalai lama before achieving their spiritual enlightenment would have been pissed off. so then..how the fuck did my anger over develop. like a friend once said...when told that i sometimes have violent thoughts... too much repressing. is that really it? or am i just inherently a violent psycho? its...scary sometimes...just knowing that at one moment of uncontrolable rage you just might to do something you might regret for the rest of your life. maybe i just need to beat the crap out of someone who really deserves it.. but of course...i would never ever wish a violent death on even the worse of my enemies...but when you get into that red rage.. wishes and good intentions dont really come about. of course, its only a problem if u let it be. one of mental and spiritual fortitude would be able to retain full control of their emotions. mental and spiritual fortitude was never one of my attributes. most of you who know me...you've never seen this part of me. like i've said..i have been very lucky that when the rage comes and nothing regretful happens. except that one time...sorry...sincerly and regretfully. its been a while since that rage has come about but..fuck.sometimes its just scracthing beneath the surface. i can feel it..clenched fist and teeth and all. but practice makes perfect the moral chains of repression. but then nothing is perfect. and that my friends is the scary part.

sorry for the short post...really just dont have any inspiration to just blog. and since its the holidays there's nothing to do. besides world cup.


im not argentinian. but when your country has a fucked up football team and is never going to make it to the world cup while you're still alive or during your grandchildren's lifetime then you tend to adopt a country to support.

Friday, June 16, 2006

return of the angst

well howdy. a return to the good ol' "blogsphere", that seductive little bitch that sucks you in with all its nonsensical attractions(like this here blog...and free porn) and then just spits you out like the small insignificant straw in the big fucking hay stack that is life...howdy do. the reason for this long hiatus? the capitalist instrument of peer pressure that we all lovingly call exams. yeah.. sorry.. it was over a week ago but i couldnt be fucked to write anything here. however, as per the norm..something has pissed the fuck out of me and i feel the need for an outlet of this righteous anger(or perceived anger anyway, or just me overeacting...your choice) before i get too violent and start breaking shit. yes..i have done that before and yes i do have a temper, the kind that u keep bottled inside and then something comes along and u explode into a violent rage and you want to hit every in sight. this is almost one of those moments

my fucking car got hit again. why?? why does it always happen to that same car and always when its parked right outside my fucking house? why only my fucking car? WHY?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! FUCK!!!!!! the culprit this time...the fucking construction workers who are fucking laying pipes for the fucking fat cats who live in the fucking bungalows on the hill over looking my fucking house. you bastards. its so fucking obvious that your inept indon workers did the fucking damage and yet you deny. you took a whole fucking chunk off my bumper , there was no one around in fucking sight except you, and how could another car hit my car when its so towards the fucking side of the road that u must have been blind, amputated and retarded all at the same fucking time to hit my car...at eight in the fucking morning. fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. now i have to go through the fucking hassle of making a fucking police report because of u dumb fucks. its bad enough that u start work in the fucking morning when i need to sleep. have u no fucking idea its the fucking world cup? on top of that the ever fucking noisy neighbour's kid who have nothing better to do but shout and shout all day. are they mentally deaf or something or have u just been hitting them on the ear too much u fucking twat? fuck all of you. im trying to fucking relax and all this shit had to hit me now. fuck you very much.

as per usual...i dont give a fuck if u think that was too much swearing or that im overeacting over this shit... sometimes u keep something in too long and all it takes is some small spark like this to ignite an inferno of swearing and non sensical immature fingerpointing and ranting. plus listening to angry music like sepultura and slipknot as this is being typed dosent help much either. .. song that best typifies the current mood right now.. people=shit by slipknot...because thats what most of humanity has becomed. compassion? friendliness? helpful? polite? telling the fucking truth? none of that has exist in the world right now. you self centered greed motivated capitalist fucking pigs.this fucking country especially. i spit on you. trying to say that we are kind, compassionate helpful malaysians? fucking government propaganda to attract fucking tourist. thats what this country has becomed. a big fat fucking whore slut of a government whose only motivation is greed.you can toss out human compassion out the window and watch it smash into a fucking million pieces on the streets of greed. the milk of human compassion has becomed a sordid mire of hypocrisy and runs sour in this fucked up country. what? i cant air my fucking views? tell the fucking truth? what are u going to do? call internal security? the fucking ISA? the fucking secrect police dogs of the government? go the fuck ahead.
ever wondered why ppl like hitler and osama exists? though wrongful in their approach, using violence as a fucking tool which i highly condemn... can you blame them? im not a fucking nazi dick or an overzealous mujahideen/ martyr wanna be and i dont hide behind religion to fucking justify my actions of murdering thousands of ppl so dont get your over sensitive panties up in a fucking bunch. what i am is fucking pissed.for every action there is a reaction. every injustice is a breeding ground for these psycho yahoos. wonder what fuels thier fire...

so sorry for a downer on my return. i know its misguided and a lot of it is just rage talking. but fuck it...i am in a rage now and i dont know how the fuck my banged up car lead to a royal fucking of the government...but hey....freedom to rant insanely is also reciprocated by not believing the crap i just spewed...so u know now that u can fuck off instead of taking this shit from me. dont let the door hit you on the way out. and no fucking penis enlargements ads fucker.

perhaps i'll feel better tomorrow and we can talk about all the good things in life...like the world cup and sex... but for now...fuck it.

i counted 25 fucks mentioned in this entire rant before i got lazy and fucked counting it.

Friday, April 21, 2006

condom rhymes with random

i realized that most of my recent posts have this pre-meditated feel to it. like as if its contents are something that i've been putting a lot of thought into. and i feel personally that my writing has suffered as a result of this pre-meditiveness. hence, randomness shall return and any and all thoughts that enters my mind shall be tabulated onto this new tabula rasa. starting now

radio stations that play fucking pop all the time is the sworn enemy of the last true individuals. the shit they play on the radio now is just....audio suicide. and the bands... simple plan, the click five(ugh), linkin fucking park. what are you doing to the youths of today? everything is so....tragicomedic. ands its always about boy meets girl, girl trifles with boys heart, boy decides to write song to tell her how he really feels about her which would either be : a) i love you so much but its so sad that you dont see it, or b) i hate you, i shouldnt have wasted time on you and im moving on but i just have to sing this song to you so that you'll regret losing a great guy like me. blech. whatever happen to being righteously angry? what happen to all the songs about the injustice being suffered around the world? Palestine, Iraq, the entire fucking African continent? whatever happen to awareness songs? i mean true, no one wants to feel sad and depressed at the state of affairs of the world right now which is thoroughly shittier than shit, but come on, songs about breakups/ getting a girl? true, the bible does state that we should all go forth and multiply, but fuck...arent we overdoing it? the spreading of love and happy gummy gum drops false insecurity? yeah yeah...you got talent....five fucking chords and teeny booper looks and you're set. i mean, is this what you really want your kids listening to? wouldnt u rather they had a good dose of reality and listened to some good ol' rage who tells it like it is? or how about some righteous anger from sepultura? fuck...even indie rock sounds good right about now. here comes the part where i have to say that im generalizing about a majority of bands and there are a few good ones out there who i do genuinely respect and are happy that they are doing mainstream so it can help them settle their bills and put food on the table. yeah, they are reaching the masses but then they are sending out the right kind of message, though what you construe it to be may be at your hazard but you sure as hell not going to find click fucking five's "catch a fucking wave" so fucking meaningful. im sorry for the general biasness, but i just hate fucking click five. not the band as individuals, but what they stand for and what they are trying to convey to the current and future youth. this is your seeds of discontent that you have sown corporate world.. and sooner or later you're gonna reap it with a bloody harvest.

im sure that going to very likely or unlikely cause some ppl to frown and say, oh god you're just so disconnected from the world or why dont you write happy things...you always write sad things and bla bla bla idiotic babble from ppl who dont really know me or thought they knew me but were sadly mistaken. look, i appreciate your genuine or false concern for my happiness, but really, i dont feel the need to be all sugary and false right now. i feel a large discontentment in my life and there's nothing you can do about it. so please. thank you and fuck you at the same time. you are sincerely, on my part, appreciated for your concern. and please, cussing is a freedom of expression. and you have the freedom of choice to fuck off if u dont like me. and to the penile growth guy....im genuinely happy with the size of my dick now and i dont feel the need to kill myself if it dosent get any bigger. you on the other hand need to kill yourself for posting and advertisement on a comment section on the blog. seriously, 9 out of 10 suffer slow and painful cancerous death from stupidity. if u did like i can help you with your euthanism. very willing and able to at least wipe out a certain defect in human evolution such your kind self.

on that same vein, humanity has gone to hell. to quote someone, to yearn is to abuse your God given free will. Hence we have wars, rapes, incest, murder and the general dehumanization of our species. but then again, God in his infinite wisdom has created the perfect filter system. the good and the bad. but then there was a flaw in this.... one man's terrorist is another mans freedom fighter. humaniy has evolutionized to such a perfect state where the lines between good and evil have been totally blurred. we think murderers should be shot and hanged or at least locked up away for good. see the irony. we despise the killing of our own kind and yet we kill one of our own. and war? its the biggest irony of all. bloodshed for harmony. bullets for roses. bombs for safety. chaos for order. you get the general picture. we fucked up big time. but look at the bright side.. at least you arent a fucking robot without any feelings, passions or...dare i say...hopes and dreams. yeah..its all intangible... but at least im not a robotic automaton...yet.

check out these bands for a good dose of non radio friendliness and comformity... Ramallah, Mastadon, Arcade Fire, The Decemberist, Band of Horses and hey...a little Pavement never hurt.

there...that wasnt so bad was it? a good dose of angst and random thought. please feel free to add another penile enhancement into my comments. i could always count on your intellect for some laughter.

Sunday, April 09, 2006


the convulsions keep getting more violent with every passing cough. my joints hurt and my fever is getting worse everyday. my lungs are just just so much phlegm. that lingering lethargic feeling. and all of this...all this suffering so i can quit smoking. withdrawal is a bitch. my bad i guess... i tried to be a hero and do the whole mind over matter bullshit by doing it cold turkey. honestly, someone who smokes 40 a day does that, its called suicide. fuck the power of the mind .. its my body thats suffering now. and i dont care if u could do it or u have more willpower than me...im not you. thanks for the support at least. so...status report.. i cant do cold turkey but i'll try to cut down. now its about 10 per day...and its lights no less. but withdrawal still keeps coming..but then i guess the adage of no pain no gain really applies here huh? Jesus...my head.
so why the decision to stop(or at least attempt to)? quite simply...im broke and the chest pains are getting a tad bit more uncomfortable than i would like. plus..when im over in the uk, im not going to pay rm21 just for a pack of tens, so might as well get a head start on the quitting game. naysay me if u want....it really dosent matter because mostly i couldnt give a fuck but also im determined...this time anyway.

law ball....was an experience to say the least. a bad one. most of you already know about the dance floor incident so i shant repeat myself. all i can say is, you've sunk to a new low, which makes you even more ironically attractive. its that whole forbidden fruit/ love to hate hate to love syndrome. this is a new chapter in the mystery that is you. its makes for good reading and i cant wait to see what the next chapter brings. hopefully we're getting to the end. it has to..
the rest of you...its easy to look from the outside and so flippantly dismiss this and that and give your all knowing condescendance on me.. yeah...you and i have different experiences, different ways of seeing things, different ways of moving on(or in some cases...clinging on). but then again..you're forgetting a very important aspect...im not you.

i think thats what i was trying to drive home. comparisons. how can we always compare ourselves to someone else? must we? do we? the subconscious answer is yes. secretly we just want to be that someone we perceive is everything we want to become. Segregated,because we wont admit it to ourselves. we want to be better than we currently are. no shame in that. only problem i see is why the comparisons. we're all special in our own way. if we need examples and guidelines then its all right to compare. but when comparison brings about self doubt and the reduction of self esteem...then fuck it. whatever it is...we are who we are. perfection dosent need clones. only self choice and self determination.

i know...my entries are getting shorter and losing relevance....im losing my spark....

Monday, March 27, 2006


lately, there has been this government campaingn(propoganda more likely) to get everyone to be more courteous and polite. while admirable, i think its just plaine stupid. you cant force someone to be nice without sincierity. budi bahasa budaya kita my ass. courtesy was never ever part of the malaysian culture. the fact of the matter is we're just too conditioned to the dog eat dog kiasu mentallity that has been instilled in us since time immemorial to be just better than everyone else. true, on a moderate level its a very positive value to have. but re my last post, we just dont have it in us to be courteous. oh, we can if we want to. we all have that small tiny spark of apathy in us called conscience to be just considerate enough not to slam that door into someone's face. or to keep your tongue in check when your betters are speaking to u. but how many times have u seen this happen recently? as i've mentioned before, people are cruelly nice. being courteous is done out of self serving needs, which is a total juxtaposition of the true meaning of the word. government servents (malaysian govt. servents anyway)smiling and being helpful, bah, fanciful visions. they're only doing it so they dont get fired. again, self serving. holding the elevator door open for the girl in the hot pants and tank top but not for the lady wearing a tudung. again, self serving. for further examples just look at the mentallity of the typical malaysian road user. generalizing here obviously. im sure most of you arent selfish unsincere malaysians. sure. we all have episodes of pure malaysian bitchiness/basterd-ness in us sometimes and i wont be the first to deny it. i have been a bastard to a lot of ppl and i have my own episodes of being nice to help myself. re the examples i've just given. truly, i am sorry. i try to be courteous as best as i can, but, along with being an asshole, there are also limits as to being an angel. sometimes its just not worth the effort to be courteous and friendly to someone. because the other person cant to the same to you. again, there are limits to being so selfless. what im just trying to convey is.. dont be an asshole and at the same time to be such a people pleaser. dont be so selfish and yet be so totally selfless as to forget your own interest.

moderation being the key word here. but then again, humans are creatures of extremes.

Monday, March 20, 2006

habeas corpus

yeah i know... i've been missing, so to speak, from blogsphere.well, here your writ for habeas corpus. my excuse for my absense is just the lack of creative spark. there is no inspiration, no need or want to write. no effort on my part. plaine and simple, im just lazy. that and i dont seem to have anything to write. i do not feel the need to bore you with the minute details of the daily going ons in my life(unless of course if i get laid. u did be the first to know). i guess then this is just a refresher to let all of u know that im still alive and still angst ridden.

regrets, yeap, i had many, as im sure many of us do. that feeling of inadequate(or too much, in some certain cases) effort to have done something. its interesting to think about the what ifs in life. but then again, whats the use? quoting a dear friend of mine, chances in life are like comets, once they've passed, we'll never see them again in this lifetime. so hence, thinking about what ifs are not worth the lingering hangover effects which comes with regrets. unless u like being drunk on regret like me of course. i guess u can call me a fan of what ifs. what if i never met you? would life have been better off without you? what if i had evolved some balls and actually asked you out instead of being over cautious? what if i studied harder? what if life was little more different? the questions and regrets that come along with it. good thing i've sobered up. goodbye comets. welcome earth shattering reality. the fact is i've already met you and life isint any better. the fact is i was a coward and should have asked you out before u had a bf but i guess its a little too late now.the fact is i didnt study hard enough to get into exeter. so fuck it. the only thing you can do is get on with life . maybe learn a few lessons before stubbing your toe again. true, sometimes the mind teather does play reruns of a few horror memories. it happens, human nature is as such. clingy like a cling film(ok...so that wasnt the world's most creative analogy). but hey, get on with life. time heals all except self doubt.

btw, tiesto was great. the music, the company, the eye candy which was capable of giving the soul diabetes. there was that bit about unexplainable cuts and bruises sustained in the aftermath and the usual macho bullshit of pushing and shoving and staring but nevertheless a great night. everything but the girl. yes, im aware that getting a gf seems to be a priority these days. a rational and irrational explanation, we want a connection, an intimate connection, a connection that can only come from something so exqusite yet so savagely vulgur such as a another human.it sucks to be disconnected. true, i did rather prefer my own company at times, but as it was written by silverchair, i dont want to be lonely, i just want to be alone. misses right, im pretty sure i've seen you in this infinately complex world. im just waiting for you.

the last i've heard, evolution was an advancement and not a back step. this is especially true in regards to mentality in general and to malaysians in specific. there is always this need to be the fisrt in everything and to be the best in everything we do. that mentality in itself is not a bad thing to have, but malaysians, we just fucking mute that into something so totally disgusting. the amazing phenomenon of being kia su(literally scared to lose in hokkien). we are so insecure about ourselves in public that we have to be perfect in every little detail that we do, from getting the first parking spot while disregarding the feelings of others till committing suicide if we get a bad result for our exams. this need to be so fucking thin because apparently its cool to be aneroxicly thin.the need to be sycophants. sometimes it makes one wonder, why the fuck should we care? it is worth it getting so worked up about the misguided deeds of fools? the answer is one i have already given. a lack of connection,this time with theirselves and their own self doubts. i feel more pity for these ppl than scorn. if only they were more connected with themselves. and i dont mean that in a condescending way. and another thing that grinds my gears, the mentaliy of certain malaysian girls. look, just because i ask you out for lunch does not mean i want to get into your pants. yeah, maybe i may have slight ulterior motives in eventually asking you to be my steady(duh, then y the lunch date in the first place? its certainly not because we're both food connoiseur), about that im being perfectly honest(unless u have a bf of course... then asking you out would not have been in contemplation in the first place). and if u eventually give me the great big let down, of course i did feel disappointed for a while, but that dosent mean we cant have a platonic relationship right? if i didnt enjoy your company i wouldnt have asked you out in the first place.and in regards to pure platonic motives in asking you out, yeah...platonic being the key word.

i may or may not have contradicted myself through out this rant session. oh well.. nobody's perfect. thank you.. good night and good luck and happy angsting. the mental weather looks like a long absense again for a long time in other regions, rain and heavy snowfall. back to you Jim(overused cliched tv newscaster's name.....i was trying to be funny....like wearing a snow cap in tropical equatorial weather)