blind hatred

these thoughts are mine and purely mine.

there arent a lot of issues in my life that i have not resolved at one point or another. thats the kind of person i am. i need a solution and resolution to everything. i never like to leave anything hanging.all issues.... except one. i've learned the hard way that reopening old wounds are never a good idea. it hurts. it gets septic. its kills you from the inside out and its eats at your tormented soul till it almost drove me mad. i'll be upfront here and say that, because of an unfortunate event in the past that has been a significant turning point in my young life so far, that i am extremely homophobic. im sure all of you know michelle so there's no need to republish any undisputed facts of history.

im questioning my convictions now. is it me vs the homosexual society or is it just me? i've done my research. i know what lesbianism is about. i know... that they are people just like you and me with just a different sexual prefference. i know they arent all out to steal away your girlfriend or your boyfriend. except you Sam, you sadistic bitch of a dyke. i sincerely hope that you will die a horrible miserable death. i've come to accept the fact that, like all people, all races, all religion, no one is ever perfect. everyone's just human, nothing more and nothing less. and i have enough sense to know that hating an entire community and wishing they were all dead is useless and a waste of emotion. all of it sounds so simple and logical and rational right? haha....if only life was rational. the head can tell you the most rational thing in the world but your heart and your guts, the one you listen to themost should never be associated with rational and logic. ask any gay person out there now. why do they do it. can they give a correct and logical answer? a man married with kids can turn gay. a women who has dated men all her life can find her life partner in a lesbian. where is the logic in that? hitler killed millions of jews, and the people loved him for it. is that logical? no.. humanity and logic are estranged from each other for now and forever. our hubris. the same applies to me. the only justification which i can humbly provide is that the large wound of my heart caused by betrayal is and never will be healed. its will be with me for life and try as hard as i might to listen to logic and rational i just cant shake it off. its post traumatic stress. michelle, i know and you know we can never be more than just friends ever again. you know that i still and always love you for everything post trauma, but... im sorry... i can never forget and forgive fully. and if your community has to suffer, be hated by just only me.. than that will be the case. a girl who was raped by her father has lost her faith in all men and is now a lesbian . now use that analogy to me. i have lost faith in all gay people because of such an emotional trauma. they never did anything to me and not all of them are like sam or you. neither was every man like the girl's father. never forget, the knife cuts both ways

i am HOMOPHOBIC. that is who i am. all people are different. that i know. well...so am i. you can call it blind haterd. we are all blind to what we really want. we can analyse things, try to make sense of things, try to make things the way we want, try to make things better. but how can we when we dont even see whats really in front of us.

i sincerly thanked you michelle. i was sincere in that. and im sincere about our friendship. i have come to accept the fact that we were never meant to be. but scars never disappear. the memories will always be there no matter how i try to psycho myself. so...is it a contradiction that even though im a homophobe that we are still friends? yes...to the fullest extremes...if someone looked in a dictionary for the word contradictory they wound find out friendship there in the definition.lets just say that i did rather have you as a friend rather than not have you at all. but i still am a homophobe. there are more stranger things in heaven and earth than this. that i can assure you. life is a contradiction itself anyway. we live to die and we die, physically and metaphorically, so that others may live. life...is a contradiction.goddamned english lit...its made us all analytical over emotional fucks.

L ies
I nfinately
F ucks
E veryone