time

its 6:45 am on the 23rd day of the month of august in the year 2006 AD. here sits a scribe who has nothing else better to do but sit in front of his new lap top and blog. these are his random thoughts and innermost feelings.

as in the immortal words of Maynard James Keenan(Tool /APC), in the song entitled 3 libras to be specific, its difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over. exactly at what it is im a little disappointed and feeling passed over about is difficult to explain. mostly its with myself. i seem to preach a lot of things like understanding and rationale, trying to find a middle path in life on which to tread. but emotions can make you do crazy things as im sure most of you can attest. crazy crazy things... people keep talking about the past being the past. that time can never be reversed and actions can never be reenacted in the hope of a different result. the past is what made us. without the past there is no present. no future. remember that saying about those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it? why is there always a negative connotation when we say that saying? if you're jewish i would understand. your race never had it easy back then and even now. things are better now you say? nay, things arent better now. things are just more convenient. we had wars then but who to say the wars today are better. if humanity could put half the effort it puts into coming up with ways to kill one another more conveniently into other things then i would say things are better. sad fact of the matter is its not. just more convenient. and besides being more convenient we are luckier than our predecessors. i never had to work on the farm or walk 5 miles to school. i never had to endure the hardships of war or poverty. i said luckier but i didnt say any better. the mentality of humanity is still shittier than shit. money is king and money is the whore. money is nothing and everything. we do such crazy things for money or money's worth. crazy crazy things... like being unfilial to someone who has brought you up with his blood, sweat and tears. literally. this is in reference to my 3 uncles. you are all useless pieces of shit and im ashamed to call myself your nephew. bastards.

i was going off tangent there. but then i never had a drawn out draft of what i was going to write in the first place so hence i cant be off tangent. anyway, as you could obviously(or not) tell, the theme here has to do in general with time, more specifically that past. to all the women that i have dated and liked in general, sorry i wasnt what you expected but then again, neither were you. we lived and learned and it was nice knowing you. except gyn, you were very unpleasant. i shall not indulge in listing the supposed wrongs that you did to me because 1) i've already done it, 2) its not like it would make a difference to the things you have done(there's that time theme again) and 3) its not worth it to get hurt with unwanted memories. and of course a berating from the ever insightful tupps. specifically, michelle, yeah, the past is the past. we were friends, we were lovers, we were enemies(im sure it was one sided but justified on my part anyway), we were everything and nothing. only you have taken me to the highest mountains and the lowest valleys on this landscape of life. i have experienced every emotion, even those i never knew i had with you. and they were all bittersweet. i dont know whether to thank you or to slap you for this myriad of emotions which have now become a life lesson to me. since i dont hit girls(even though some do deserve it, hearts and feelings are not to be toyed with. fellow brothers, this applies to you too. dont fuck around till it hurts. and im not talking about orifices either) it would probably be the former then. you still make me sad but i guess you can be vicariously excused for that by my voluntarily exposing myself to the danger of relapse. but hey, not all of us want to live forever. there's a thin line between love and hate as iron maiden once said. you are that line.

in regards to the anti homosexual rant... that is still my post traumatic stance. take it or leave it. experiences makes us all jaded and biased. even if its sometimes wrong. like staying up for 48 hours and watching family guy and all of kevin smith's movies, except clerks 2 and jersey girl. havent seen those two yet. looking forward to it. and getting some much needed rest. chasing amy is still the best mirror-of my life movie.

22 days left to imposed exile and to you re reading that premature farewell post.