Saturday, October 11, 2008

My night at Magoos

It was packed, packed to the brim. The exuberance of youth was for once too overwhelming. Crushing. To sum it all up, it was fucking crowded. I needed to get out, already the alcoholic fumes were making my senses to a thing of lead. Past the gatekeepers, the fanciful word for the overly tattooed, tough as nails looking bouncers, the protectors against underage drinking.. or their establishment loosing their credentials and thus closing down, whichever takes moral precedence, out into the sweet ocean sprayed atmosphere that is the outside of the bar. The relieve is greatly felt, tinged with the smell of fellow smokers. I oblige my inner needs and light up one myself. Its as serene as it can get, the muted blaring of some college themed song thats been overplayed on shows like dawson's creek and smallville a few to many times in the background, a few socially unaware drunks proclaiming their state of inebriation, and the cloying tinge of nicotine in the air. Pure bliss. Then SHE came..

She looked, for want of better words, drunk as fuck. From the corner of my eye, from my own little space of bliss in the crowd, She comes intruding. Unsteady of her steps, she finally regains her foothold, only to then disturb my alcohol hazed tranquility by belting out the song "Rain rain go away, please come back another day," before amusingly transitioning to ".. or I'll have to bring out my umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh hehehehe". Fucking brilliant, so we, the collective tobacco smokers for a moment take in the obviously hilarious butchering of a nursery rhyme and a pop song all in one breathe and applaud such an effort. Our drunk American Idol wannabe taking in the applause, bows to accept it, and promptly falls over. Needing no cue the crowd laughs. Im not ashamed to be counted among them because.. well... it was funny as fuck.

Being one inclined to be helpful to fellow man, in this case woman, I, being the closes help her up. She slurs her thanks and promptly proclaims that she is drunk as fuck. The word Captain Obvious pops to mind. Having done my civic duty I start to walk away back to corner of bliss in the crowd. Then she asks "How are you tonight? Do you have anywhere to stay? Can I come stay with you?" To which my horrified self replies "No, no. I don't have a place of my own. I'm just a tourist." To which she replies the reply that will forever be told as a funny story at social events for ages to come, " Oh wow, Im a Pieces. We can so totally connect!". Cue laughter. I try to change the subject again and enquire as to where her friends are, to which she replies with drunken aplomb, "Fuck them, I dont need them, the stupid bitches. If I see them I'll kill them." Obviously they didnt like her singing as much as we did.

She then starts to stroke my back in a very, if you weren't drunk and you weren't fugly we did be fucking very soon, kind of way and inquires of me " Do you have any friends? Do you want to be friends just for tonight?" followed by a very disturbing girlish giggle. At this point your scribe was feeling 5 kinds of panic. Did I mention she was fugly? I mean, Im not (insert current hot male actor's name here) but fuck it man, I have standards too. Plus, true fact, its Hawaiian law that consent is not given if it is given in a state of intoxication. Not wanting to rape or in this case, seeing as Female Pavarotti here was just ready to jump on me, be raped, I mumbled 10 different excuses ranging from, im too young to die to I already have a girlfriend inside while simultaneously removing myself from her stroking and getting back to my table faster than Michael Phelps could swim.

I did not regain my blissful nicotine intaking again after that. Copious amounts of alcohol helped though.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A patriot's hope.

Let me just clarify something about the last post. It is not racist in nature. It is not the case where its the Malays versus the Chinese. Its about anger at an insensitive racist bigot. Its not a matter about whether Ahmad Ismail being suspended from UMNO is a sufficient enough punishment or not. I couldn't care less if nothing happened or if he was expelled. It doesn't change the fact that a bigotry racist statement was made and the maker has vehemently refused to apologise because he perceives that nothing wrong has been done. What matters is that something is done to ensure nothing like this happens again. And i don't fucking mean Malays making racist statements about the Chinese or vice versa. I mean a lesson should be set to ensure no one, Malay, Chinese, Indian or otherwise never ever make such racist statements again. The country is proudly portrayed as multi ethnic and multi cultural and all races living in harmony. This image is something we should strive to achieve to and not sully our good name abroad with incidents of such blatant bigotry and racism. I know its hard, our country having such a sordid past of racial tension. Need I remind everyone of May 13 1969 or the Kampung Medan incident? But have we not for the most part managed to live in relative, albeit fragile harmony? I know its not perfect but fuck, you don't see lynchings and something akin to the Ku Klux Klan forming do you? We do not need incidences such as this, or Mohd. Nasri's infamous "if you don't like Malaysia you can get out" speech in Parliament or Wee Meng Chee parodying our National Anthem. On that note, it should be noted that he has apologized sincerely for it, unlike certain racist bigots. Even though the government has threatened to take away his citizenship and even calls for him to be jailed for sedition. I don't see anything like this happening for Ahmad Ismail. Don't people get it? We just want an apology. Not from the Deputy Prime Minister or from somebody else other than the maker of the statement. That just reeks of insincerity and lip service. Again, its not about Malays and/or UMNO in general but a specific bigot and racist.

Its not a case where the Chinese are so fucking sensitive about every fucking thing. The majority of us are being kept out of Universities strictly because of the colour of our skin. Its ok, we can go to Private Institutions. Most of us anyway. I wonder what happens to poor families. More advantages and favours are given to Malays in terms of business and property deals. That's ok, we get the fact that you're the majority race around here. We've lived with it and managed to thrive as Malaysian citizens first and as a race second. We pay our taxes, we follow the law, we fulfil our civic duty by participating in the Elections, we stand at attention when the National Anthem is played, we tell people that we're Malaysians, first, Chinese second whenever we're overseas and delight in the fact that blissfully ignorant people from supposedly developed nations try to wrap their head around the idea of a multi cultural multi ethnic society and we'll fight for the freedom of our country should we ever be oppressed from foreign invasion. We did it in World War 2 and we'll certainly do it again now. On the issue of Islam, I honestly couldn't care less. I respect the religion and its followers. We know its your religion, but please, don't make it ours and impose on us and we'll reciprocate vice versa. We are not pushing Malays to the wall. We are not demanding that Chinese and Indians get special rights over and above that of the Malays. We know that special rights were designated for a historcal reason and our forefathers have agreed to it. But that was then.Its already been 51 years and the country must evolve with the changing needs of the rakyat. Im very sure that many of the Malays have as much potential to be successful as much as any other person. I know quite a number of successful Malays. Having crutches such as these special rights will only be an impediment to the economy, unity and stability of the country in the long run.We just want a fair and equal opportunity for all Malaysians that will do nothing but make the country better, for us, the rakyat, as a whole, and in the eyes of the world. Race should not and never be an issue and an impediment to the success and growth of the nation and racist and bigotry statements like Ahmad Ismail which, i repeat again, he vehemently refuses to apologize for, does not at all help and enable us to achieve such a desired goal for the betterment of the nation. Though I've written this from a Chinese point of view, I'm sure that my fellow citizens, the Indians and of course the Malays and other races in Malaysia, can agree with whats being said here. If not feel free to comment. I am open to constructive criticism.

We cannot adopt a "biar lah" attitude to such bigotry. It only serves to encourage more bigotry behavior. Some would say that this is a trivial matter. That we should be concentrating on other more "important" matters, like Tun Mahatir Mohammad joining UMNO again after years of retirement or that Dato Seri Anwar Ibrahim is going to take over the government in 5 days time. My fellow Malaysians, all that won't matter for shit if we can't preserve national and racial unity.

I know cynics out there will point out that I'm painting a masterpiece with crayons for the future of our country. That I'm overly optimistic that there will ever be any racial unity within our country. That I'm still young and I'm just being naive because I don't know what it's really like to be racially prejudiced. I'm not blind to the realities of life. I know Malaysia's a boiling pot of racial tension that's just waiting to boil over and the situation is not being helped by racial tension being stoked and encouraged by reckless, selfish, bigoted and racists individuals such as Ahmad Ismail or Wee Meng Chee or certain radical elements of Hindraf or irresponsible journalism. I know things are fucked up right now with affirmative action policies and a really fucked up mind set that's been bread by social inequalities. But I have dreams, and I have hopes that our country will rise above this pettiness, be united as a whole, and take its rightful place among the worlds nations one day. It will take a long time, I may not even live to see this hope become a reality. But I rather have hope than have nothing at all but a sense of hopelessness. If there is no hope and dreams, why even fucking bother living. I love my country, not for what it is now, but for its potential to be so much better than what we are now.

I know im contradicting myself with what I said in my fuck BN post. I hope you can understand that that was mostly said in anger, my initial reaction after reading about Ahmad Ismail and in retrospect, I was pretty harsh. And, unlike someone, I apologize for it. Sincerely. I did not think about the issue thoroughly and wrote in an unfair and biased manned. BN has contributed significantly to the growth of the country and for that we are grateful, but a party must evolve with the needs of its people and it has failed to do as shown by the peoples dissatisfaction in the recent elections. And in regards to my post in Malay, yes, that was also written in a very biased and racist manner and i also apologize for that. As a friend said, you can't fight racism with racism. All races contributed to the founding of our great nation. I apologize for being a hypocrite and descending to the level of the people of which i condescendingly looked down upon without first examining my own flaws. Like Malaysia, I'm not perfect. But at least i can admit my mistakes and strive to be a better person.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

a reply in kind

sensetive betul org cina bila dgr kenyataan datuk ahmad ismail tu yeee, selama ni mereka selalu kutuk2 org melayu , ingat org melayu tak tau marah ke, bila kene kat kauorg tahu pun marah, relexlaa kaum cina lain kali pikir dulu laa kenapa org melayu dah tak boleh sabar sekarang.


this was a comment on youtube in regards to a youtube video by a fellow Malaysian rightly criticizing Ahmad Ismail's racists remark. Since this was written in our national language, i shall reply in kind

Orang Cina sensitif? Orang Melayu marah kerana dikutuk? Kamu ingatkan dan rasionalkanlah apakah sebab kamu dikutuk. Kamu tidak belajar sejarah di sekolah ke? Sebelum ini, apabila Kesultanan Meleka ditubuhkan ia selalu diserang oleh orang Siam. Siapa yang kamu larikan kepada untuk perlindungan? Oh... orang Cina. Siapakah yand selalu membuat perdagangan dengan Kesulatan Melaka? Oh.. orang Cina. Apabila diserang oleh Jepun siapakah yang tolong untuk mempertahankan negara dan tidak berkolabarasikan dengan penakluk kita? Oh.. orang Cina. Selepas itu pun ada Darurat dengan Komunis. Memanglah Kebanyakan orang komunis kaum cina tetapi bukan semua komunis orang Cina. Ingat tak siapa Rashid Maidin? Tidak nampak seperti nama orang Cina. Bukan begitu saja, Darurat dilihatkan sebagai sebuah perjuangan yang ekslusif kepada orang Melayu sahaja. Tentera Kommanwel dan penolong Cina dan India dilupakan. Menteri Informasi dulu Zainuddin Maidin pun telah berkate bahawa penolongan kaum-kaum lain kepada perjuangan menamatkan Darurat patut dikenalikan. Selepas itu ingat tak apa yang berlaku pada 13hb Mei 1969? Tidak ada orang yang meminta maaf kepada semua orang Cina pada masa itu pun. Tak apa. Kan kita sebuah negara yang muhibah? Dan sekarang, kita pun ada apa yang boleh dipanngil Hak Ketuanan Melayu dan Hak Istimewa Bumiputra. Sekarang pun ada sistem kuota di dalam University Malaya bahawa hanya 10% kaum yang bukan Melayu boleh masuk. Sekarang pun ada skima di mana orang Melayu boleh membeli rumah pada yang lebih murah berbanding dengan kaum yang bukan Melayu. Sekarang pun ada praktis di dalam cara membentuk sebuah kompani dimana 30% pemegang sher mestilah jadi orang Melayu. Beritahulah kepada kita orang Cina di sini, bagaimanakah kita sepatutnya berasa? Anak kita tidak boleh memasuki Universiti national dan mesti bayar yuran kolej swasta dan tinggi. Kita tidak boleh tubuhkan kompani swasta diri sendiri tanpa 30% pemegang sher yang kaum Melayu. Bagaimanakah kita patut berasa dengan kesemua prejudis terhadap kita kerana warna kulit kita?Bagaimanakah kita tidak boleh rasa sensitif apabila orang seperti Ahmad Ismail dan Nasri kata kita "pendatang asing" and " jika lu tidak suka Malaysia lu boleh keluar Malaysia"dan tidak meminta maaf? Kamu ingat dululah apa yang kamu telah buat kepada kaum kita sebulum buka mulut. Kita ini semua anak Malaysia. Kita mahu apa yang terbaik untuk semua penduduk and kaum di Malaysia. Saya bukan orang yang bersikap perkauman. Saya tidak kutuk orang Melayu dalam keseluruhan. Kebanyakan kawan saya pun orang Melayu tetapi mereka tidak berfikir kecil and bersikap perkauman seperti kamu dan Dato Ahmad Ismail. Mereka faham ketidakadilan yang berlaku di dalam negara kita. Dengan itu, fikirlah betul-betul sebelum mengkritikan orang yang lain dan bergesa-gesa untuk melindungkan Ketuanan Melayu. Kita tidak peduli, kita hanya mahu keadilan untuk semua kaum di Malaysia.

Terima Kasih

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Malaysia at it's best

Datuk Ahmad Ismail, the Bukit Bendera Umno Chief, who has recently created some headlines after uttering some racist remarks against the Chinese community is conveniently ‘missing’, avoiding the limelight ever since the issue came into light. Ahmad who in his ceramah at the Permatang Pauh by-election campaign said “Malaysians of Chinese origin are merely squatting in this country and hence, not entitled to equality” is being investigated under the Sedition Act. His personal assistant said that Ahmad has since returned to Malaysia after leading a Sepak Takraw team ni Bangkok and said “I have been trying to contact him since but there was no response. Even his voice mail is full. I think he does not want to be disturbed and thus we should leave him alone,”

-Zen, MalaysiaToday

Do I even have to fucking point out how fucking fucked up that is? Let's see, when Wee Meng Chee did a parody of the national anthem in which he told the truth about how the situation is Malaysia i.e. its fucked up and what happens? Lets fucking take away his citizenship. He apologizes and what happens? UMNO says it not adequate enough. Hindraf members
P. Uthayakumar, Waytha Moorthy, and V.S. Ganapathi Rao, were arrested and charged under the Sedition Act for demanding rights for indians. So lets break things down. If a chinaman and an indian say something even remotely racists or seditious then we should put them in jail or demand that we take away their citizenship. But if a Malay man who's ruling party Chief of a district makes a racist remark then its alright. Just, you know, slap him on the wrist and tell him not to do it again. Or apologize on his behalf. Oh, police investigation requiring him to give statement, its ok, he can disappear. And since we can't get his phone we should leave him alone because we think he wants to be left alone. And what does the Malaysian Chinese Association say to all this. Oh we accept someone else's apology on his behalf. Fucking lap dog yes men cock suckers. And they wonder why they did so badly in the Election. Listen to the rakyat much?

So, to keep it short and simple. FUCK BARISAN NATIONAL.

UPDATE. Ahmad Ismail has given his statement to the police. Oh, after missing the deadline you mean? So when Dato Seri Anwar Ibrahim was on his way to give his statement, 2 hours before the deadline, he gets rounded up by G men. Surrounding his car, pointing guns at them. Telling him he's under arrest. BEFORE giving his statement to the police. So its not just a racial thing but a political thing. I see..


So they want to arrest me for sedition too? I mean, I am Chinese and I am making "seditious" remarks. Im sure the moment i land i KLIA they'll have a nice welcoming committee. Unless the fucking MCMC wants to block this site too.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Holy Fucking boredom Batman!

I dont even know why i used that as my title other than the fact that it helps convey how bored i am. Well not about my stay here but just at this current time. which is currently 2.33 am. I know i know, I'm back to Malaysian timing again but I cant help it. There's nothing to do in the day. Generally anyway. Today was a bit of fun. Well, as much fun as someone the age of 23 can have on a day out with his mum and her husband i.e. not my dad. Went to see a big old boat called the Queen Mary. Go wikipedia it, im to lazy to give you a run down of its history and significance. The only thing I will highlight is the fact thats its haunted and we actually went for the "paranormal" tour. I.e. they lead you down to the bowels of the ship where its dark and creepy, intentionally or not i dont know, but i would not want to spend some time down there, well lighted or not. They did the whole tourist trap thing with the lights ans sounds and special effects and stuff. It wasnt all that scary really. Except for that one part in the abandoned swimming pool. That had fucked up and there might actually be some spooky shit going around here written all over the place. Even after all the fake special effects and lights and standard haunted house banshee scream, it just felt, weird. Thats all i can say. Can't really describe it myself. It's like you have a feeling that something is wrong( and you're not an overly paranoid person already) and in fact yeah, something is wrong e.g. cat died or cousin's sick. Still dont know what im talking about? Thats ok, i didnt claim i was a very good describer of things. I don't think im a good writer even. As im writing this i can see all the typos and grammatical mistakes being made but im just to arsed to scroll up and right click and select the right correction.

Coming back to the title, well, i am a comic book fan. I've read all the good stuff from batman, i.e. the dark knight returns, its sequal and year one et al, but other than that, i dont know much about the character. Its like having a fuck buddy. You get all the best out of a relationship without having a relationship. In the end you just know how well the she sucks your dick and lets you fuck her doggy style but everything else are just details which you dont need to know. I.e. stuff you dont need to know because you dont want to know the person better emotionally. Same thing with the batman comics. I mean, i guess if you enjoy the sex/great stories but just dont feel up to having a long term relationship/following then its alright to skip the other complicated relationship stuff/tons of back issues you have to catch up with. Whoo, i connected sex and comics. You are of course free to disagree with me and be all BATMAN ROCKS WHOO!!YOU DONT EQUATE SEX AND COMICS!! Yeah batman rocks, but im just not a fanboy. And daredevil would kick batman's ass, despite the sucky movie. And green lantern rocks too aight?... shit.. you see what america has done to me? Its got me occasionally saying stuff like aight, what up, and whatevs and etc. etc. Oh... and only someone as bored or as neurotic as me could connect sex with a friend with benefits and comic book analyzing bordering on fanboy fanaticism.

Aight,(dammit, again) thats it for now. And no, no poem today. No impromptu juice today.Hahaha.. that sounds sick. Or maybe its just me.

Yay.. Not an angsty post. Enjoy this reader. Its a rare occasion when ju-rants dosent get all emo and angsty on you. Wait.. are there even people reading this?

Friday, August 29, 2008

fucking bored.. or, not the most interesting title in blog history

So here we are again then. If I'm blogging then it means I'm bored as hell. What? "How is that possible?", you cry with shock and indignation. "You're in the States!". Well, to quell your premature ejaculation of shock and indignation, not everything is as it seems yeah? I don't have a car and the closes "fun" thing i can do is over an hour's walk away. At least I think it's an hour away. It always seems much closer when you're in a car, obviously. So all that talk about sun and sand and scantily clad women on the beach... yeah, it would be so much easier with a car. And since I don't have an international license nor do I know the area quite well, no scantily clad women for me. Oh sure, I could be asked to be dropped off, but things inevitably get boring after 4 hours of doing it. Exceptions apply to sex, but then again I'm just hard up and horny so I wouldn't know what I'm talking about. And i think stripclubs are out of the question. I mean, its a little awkward asking your mom to drop you off at Fantasy Island or other gentlemen's clubs which have the words NUDE NUDE NUDE in bright neon lights on display. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm having a good time here in the States. Its a nice place to be at. I've already been to all them tourist places, Washington and New York in particular. And obviously im living in LA. Its just, I mean, I'm living with my mother. Me, who's so used to living alone without parental supervision. And independence well, given that here I would honestly just watch naked women all day, either live and in front of me or on the tv(provided i can subscribe to the channel which shows Girls Gone Wild daily) because I don't know what to do or where to go being a tourist and what not. So there, I'm having a good time but I'm not having the best of times.

So right. Enough of the boring personal stuff. Its time for this blog to live up to its name. And on todays menu is fucking BN.

You know, I've been saying it all along, fuck the government. Fuck the government in all it's fucking corruption and racial prejudices. Fuck them and their censorships. Fuck them and their hypocritical stance in regards to racial politics. Fuck them for only helping poor malays but not poor Malaysians who aren't Malay. Fuck them for telling us to go to private institutions/colleges because local government universities are only for malays. Fuck them for telling us not to question obviously unfair policies. Fuck FELDA and UM for "affirmitive action policies" I know im a fucking minority but i fucking bleed the same as you fucking do. I was born in Malaysia and I'm just as Malaysian as any fucking one of them from the majority. Fuck Datuk Ahmad Ismail for calling us squatters and immigrants and thus unworthy of having equal rights. You're just an offspring of Indonesian descent. So who's the fucking immigrant here?He should be sent to fucking ISA since the standard set by the very powers that be of which Datuk Ahmad Ismail is part of. states that a person who causes racial tensions and affects the security of the nation can be held without trial for security reasons. But no.. our great and all knowing and all waking Prime Minister just wants to make sure he "doesn't do it again". Sure. If it was another person, of another race maybe, who said something to that extent to the Malays you can see the headlines reaading " X detained under ISA for inciting and inflaming racial tension" Im not a racist. I dont have anything against malay people. We are all children of Malaysia. Us, the Indians, the Malays, the Sikhs, the Natives, etc, ALL OF US MALAYSIANS. But instead of fucking preaching unity, how about actually doing something instead of racially segregating us and then fucking enforcing it with fucked up policies and locking up loose fucking mouths from inciting racial prejudices among the OTHER races? Fuck the government for not looking after its people, us, the RAKYAT. The milk of human kindness runs sour in the corrupted and defiled breast of the government. In short, fuck the government. Yeah, yeah, try and block this website. Its not like people read this anyway. So in effect its not sedition. How can it be sedition anyway when all that's spoken here is the fucking truth?

I don't know why I'm going back though. I wonder if there's anything left for me at home. But at the same time I dont know if there's anything here for me. I obviously can't work here because i have a foreign degree, and in order to work here in need some experience back home. Thats for law anyway. In short im in a limbo, professionally anyway. Emotionally.. I really don't know. Thats just a big black hole right now even though i try to shine a light on it. But if you know physics and astronomy or all that other fancy shit you have to know to know blackholes, no light can enter a blackhole. So.. yeah... empty emotional shell. I don't know if someones waiting or not but honestly, I dont blame her if she dosent. In fact i know she's not. So thats the story of my life i suppose. Unrequitment. I know thats not really a real word but i guess that about sums everything up.

Anyway, anyone saw the Olympics? Fine, stupid rhetorical question. Of course you did. Well here in the States its kind of forced on you. I.e Michael Phelps. And on the Malaysian front, one silver. Hey, fuck it. Even a bronze would suffice for the shit state our sports are in. I mean, since competing for almost 50 years and all we have to show for that is 4 fucking medals? All from badminton? Again here i would like to say a special fuck you to the sports ministry for being so fucking corrupted and incompetent. You know that money you bought your 3rd bungalow and your 6th car with? Yeah, that was supposed to be for helping to improve our athletes. On that note, fuck the ACA too, bunch of fucking toothless government lapdogs. At least Lee Chong Wei got a Datukship. Even then thats fucked up. Why now? Wasnt it enough when he was No.1 in the world even though it was a short reign. Wasnt it enough that he's been decently consistent throughout. Yeah, he fucks up now and then but which player dosent. And the same can be said for Nicol David. I dont see no Datukships for her while Michelle Yeoh, actress who dosent even live in Malaysia anymore, and who married a former F1 boss, she gets a datukship for sure. I mean how does she even contribute to the nation? Most people know her from Hong Kong. Bunch of fucking hypocrites. But hey, whats a datukship? It can be bought. Its no longer an honorific title that entails the person honor and respect as it once was. Quite the opposite now in fact. Just ask DATUK Ahmad Ismail.

In regards to pictures of the trip to washington and new york, please refer to my facebook. Yes, i have a facebook account. Funny anecdotes... well, there was this black homeless guy who asked me to buy him chinese food. Then there was this white guy who said "What's up my nigga" to me while i was out smoking at a bar. Yeah, racial issues here arent really that bad. Not as bad as Malaysia anyway. And apparently, I look Filipino.

And here's something new, impromptu poem to end the blog

She makes a scene to be seen.
Enter stage right, she's such a sight
To behold. Her performance is gold,
Her lines on cue, Praises abound and due.
The audience stands and applauds, loud as they can
One does not join the cacophony. He merely sits idly
In his seat. From the stage the She notices and seethes.
An uncultured boor, he should be wanting more
Of me. He must be blind not to see
The best actress of all time, able to make any act seem divine.
After the curtain, and where all is silent,
He sits there still, as quiet as you will.
Why is he still there? Why does he stare
at me? God, is he creepy.
Her curiosity pipped, she approaches this basilisk
Why do you stare and why did you you not clap?
Why do you not join the others who enjoyed my act?
He smiles sadly. Quite an irony.
You're merely an actress acting
You have no idea what it means to be living

Impromptu-ness sucks...

Tuesday, August 05, 2008


So this might probably be the last post i ever make in Malaysia. As of 6/8/08 i will be leaving this country and going off the United States of America, and God knows how long I'll be there. 2 months maybe. A year maybe. Forever maybe. I don't know and I can't say for now. It's a weird feeling. I don't want to leave yet I know in my heart that this really is a good opportunity for me to move forward in my life and all in all it might turn out to be an unforgettable experience to say the least. But, from the experience I've already had abroad, I know my heart will always be here, that is, home. I know this country is fucked up, what with its racial politics and inherent prejudices if you aren't a Malay. I know they're the majority and thats why its called MALAYsia and not MalayIndianChinesesia and I'm not under and delusions that I'll always be a minority wherever I go, with the exception of China but I know thats not where I'll end up. I may be Chinese but I'm a Malaysian first and foremost. I was born here and i love my country. But I do not love my government. Besides that, I'll obviously miss the friends that I have here. When i say friends i do mean FRIENDS, of which are low in quantity but unbeatable in quality. These are friends for keeps and saying goodbye just makes it harder to leave. There is also the family, which I love very dearly. I know i dont always show it but they are always just a thought away and of course already in my heart. Then there's Hermes, my 4 legged companion. I know everyone here's going to say i dont take care of him enough but yes, i still do love him very much. he's cuddled next to me right now as i type. As you can see, im becoming increasingly incoherrent right now and just simply typing out whatever i feel. Thats because im kinda becoming a little too emotional to string out proper sentences. M, you know it and i know it, we still love each other, but pride and too many other complicated circumstances put us in such a position that it will always remain unrequited. I wished things could have worked out better but we know it didn't

I love all of you and I'll miss all of you

Thursday, July 24, 2008


the fucking CLP's done with. I theoretically do not have to sit for an academic exam ever again in life. And how do i feel about that? Fucking numb is what i feel. I don't feel like celebrating, i don't feel like partying, I don't feel like hopping and skipping to the comic store like a love sick school girl that just got laid and wasn't raped in the process, to buy a fuck load of comics that I have been denying myself for the sake of studying for an exam that has a quota system on the passing rate to keep non Malays out of the legal profession, because they're already too many of us that are keep fucking them up politically. I don't feel like going for a road trip to an island just for the fucks of it because i want to see the sea and play on the beach like I was 10 again and watch the sunset while having a beer and being in the company of good friends. I really don't feel like doing anything actually. I don't know if it's because my brain doesn't know how to react after a month of studying everyday and 1 and a 1/2 weeks of sleep deprivation because, instead of studying for the exams much, much earlier, I adopted the typically Malaysian attitude of putting it off till the last fucking minute when its fucking too late and the balls start to shrink because you realize you have to cover material thats the size of 20 Lord of the Rings trilogy books. And if you're a well read person/ fantasy geek, you'll know thats a lot. Other than that numbness, here I am then, blogging on a blog that nobody reads. Oh, sorry, its read but because its too long winded and complicated no one bothers to come back.Plus it doesn't have pictures. Exceptions apply of course. I'm basically just typing whatever comes into my head right now, the extent of my boredom being as such. I'm still desperately in need of a fuck, but there's a feeling of, why bother. Its not like im going to get some anytime soon. Unless im paying. And i don't want to spend money for a 2 hours experience when i can spend it on a comic book that i can reread whenever i want to. Plus, i mean, i've said it so many times it become fucking redundant. And fuck, i just mentioned it again. I've been told that im "no longer fun". As in im not so easily satisfied or stimulated with doing activities which i once found fun and interesting to do. I wonder why? What changed? Has all the emotional trauma really taken its toll on me even though i tell myself differently to make it seem like im strong but im not? I guess so then if im "no longer fun". I also feel that blog ranting therapy is no longer helping me and i would like to go for psychiatric help but then again, the same argument would apply to the sex argument. I don't want to fucking pay for it. Which means, ergo, i dont want to change and thus its useless to rant. Its useless to want to change but not fucking do anything about it. Its useless to bitch. Its useless to have this blog. Its useless to write what i feel in here because i dont fucking feel any better after i've ranted . yes, i lied then in the past. Im in a fucking rut. We're the all singing, all dancing crap of the world. Not original i know, but hey, if i was fucking original i would have done something with art or the movies instead of law.

I don't care about comments. As far as im concerned, it doesn't exist. Not that i cant handle positive and constructive criticism. I just don't care basically. Because i wouldn't take your comments to heart, whether positive or negative. Masuk telinga kiri keluar telinga kanan. Sorry. Like i said, i don't care.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


in a limbo. and im not talking about the fucking game. im not that flexible anyway and would probably break my back if i attempted to limbo. anyway, in this rare space of time i can get away from the fucking mire that is the CLP to blog, i.e. relax my mind, take a break, to just fucking rant and let some exam pressure/stress go.

why a limbo? i dont know. it could be the fact that i really dont care if pass this time or not. i really dont. it was a stupid, uninformed decision on my part to choose and even continue to do the CLP in the first place, so i guess bitching and moaning now, with a paper in less than 15 hours away, about why im still taking it. See, thats point. Im "trying my best" right now. i.e. studying everything a day before the exams. Going through all the stress that is usually associated with exams. but like i said, i couldnt give two flying shits if i pass the exams or not. i mean, fuck it, i just didnt and dont have the interest anymore. Im burnt out and just... in a fucking rut. Not to mention that im desperately in need of a good fuck and masturbation just doesn't fucking cut it anymore. A meaningful relationship would help too but all interested parties currently have other interest and engagements to attend to. i. fucking. e they're already taken or have different sexual preferences. in short, this fucking loneliness is not fucking helping the situation. On the CLP, fuck it, it been proven that there's a fucking quota and only 10-20% of applicants pass it because the fucking government, if its not raising oil prices or blowing up mongolians or having anal sex, wants to keep the fucking non bumis i.e. me, out of the one fucking profession they know that if not racially segregated, will come and bite them in the ass should someone in the profession get "politically active". well, on my part, fuck politics, i just want to fucking earn some money to help put my as yet unborn kids to school. ohh.. wait.. that aint in line with government policy.

and in regards to love and relationships.. and this excludes platonic and familial levels, it just dosent fucking exist. i think that if we arent related or known each other for fuck knows how long, we are just out there to fucking hurt each other because we're selfish. dont believe me? read the fucking news and open your eyes around you. love is dead. long live indifference... ok fine. dont believe me. im just a fucking cynic who's stressed up and burnt out and slightly horny. its back to the books again. and i dont feel fucking better. and not having a cigarette just fucking aggravates the situation even more.

fucking off now.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

right back at you

so i guess its safe to say that not a lot of people are reading this here blog. this, then, is an excellent opportunity to be able to let off some pent up frustration towards a few individuals and to life in general. yes, i bitch. hence the need for there to be this fucking blog. at least i dont live in fucking denial and pretend that everything is alright when its fucking obvious its not. no, im not mentally as strong as you to be able to soldier on and keep everything in. i just... need to get a few things off my chest.

to YL, i know its not really fair of me to impose on you but your reaction was totally uncalled for. its just a goddamned book and not a fucking wedding ring or my right ear.Please.. i may be love sick but im not fucking blind to the fact that you and your current beau arent going to be breaking up anytime soon and even if that were the case, that small miniscule chance that your realize what an ass he is and you finally wake up and dump him, what makes me think im the fucking one for you? please, i learned to give up hopes and dreams a long time ago. we're just friends yeah? so why should a book make you all hot and bothered? its nothing but a book. no fucking intentions whatsoever. so.... yeah... fucking meet up with me for lunch already.

to M, goddamned... 8 years of... connecting for want of a better word... and you keep pulling the same shit over and over again. and i dont fucking get where the fucking devotion keeps coming from? i mean, is she that great? she fucking dosent understand you, that goes without saying. but i guess if i scratch under the surface, im just fucking bitter that you can put so much fucking effort into trying to make that relationship work while i was just a fucking... i dont know what i was or am to you honestly. why couldnt you at least put half of the effor you're putting in now on ours? i just feel fucking short changed you know, after all the shit i have done for you. yeah, we're friends... i understad you, you can talk to me, well and good... we have an understanding beyond words. but sometimes, just sometimes, i just feel so.. , i dont know. i already said it.. short changed.. and i dont understand. and dont think i ever shall. our currentl platonic relationship is a rubics cube i cant solve. but then again, i dont think i've ever given up trying to solve a rubics cube. note. i havent finished the one i bought last week.

to G, fuck, this is what i really wanted to say to you all those times. you're just a really ugly person underneath that beautiful shell of yours. you dont have a spine of your own and i would have really appreciated it if you just fucking told me what was wrong or at least even a fucking "look, i dont like you, fuck off" would have been acceptable. the fact that you fucking just turned away without even saying a word to me while everyone else heard your fucking lies just really fucking hurts. get off your pedestal, grow a backbone for once in your life, and fucking tell me straight to my face what the fuck is your damage is with me instead of the fucking backstabbing and silent treatment you cowardly spineless weakling.

to VP, god, you were just so fucking possesive is it any wonder that we fucking broke up?who the fuck were you to demand that i stop spending time with my dad so i could talk to you. your fucking threatend me with break ups and all that fucking immature nonsense and for what? just to talk to someone you've never even seen before? stop saying i was the bastard and look in the fucking mirror bitch.

yes... most of this rant was directed to most of the women who were part of my life. just thought i did give my side of the fucking slanted stories for once and tell all of them... "right back at you." yes i know, the best answer here would be to fucking forget these people and move on with life right? well, this is kind of moving on therapy. you know, like writing what you did say to someone in a letter but never sending it? so some over priced shrink can tell you that you had a troubled childhood and that you're odepius reborn. anyway.. yeah.. this is my way of feeling better and getting rid of pent up frustration angst and anger. and i didnt have to spend 50,000 to do it.

you must have realized that my blog posts are all purely esoteric, non picture, non video, and completely fucking rubbish. and thats the way i fucking like it.

sorry grace, guess i cant stop swearing like a sailor. or angst ridden bastard. or both. angst ridden sailors...

comment wise... i did be happy to enteratain all questions and answer all criticisms and defend to the fullest all my notions of justice and righteousness and dolphins. i do not entertain penis enlargement ads though

as always, mind the spelling typos and abuse of grammar. thank you