Comparisons

the convulsions keep getting more violent with every passing cough. my joints hurt and my fever is getting worse everyday. my lungs are just just so much phlegm. that lingering lethargic feeling. and all of this...all this suffering so i can quit smoking. withdrawal is a bitch. my bad i guess... i tried to be a hero and do the whole mind over matter bullshit by doing it cold turkey. honestly, someone who smokes 40 a day does that, its called suicide. fuck the power of the mind .. its my body thats suffering now. and i dont care if u could do it or u have more willpower than me...im not you. thanks for the support at least. so...status report.. i cant do cold turkey but i'll try to cut down. now its about 10 per day...and its lights no less. but withdrawal still keeps coming..but then i guess the adage of no pain no gain really applies here huh? Jesus...my head.
so why the decision to stop(or at least attempt to)? quite simply...im broke and the chest pains are getting a tad bit more uncomfortable than i would like. plus..when im over in the uk, im not going to pay rm21 just for a pack of tens, so might as well get a head start on the quitting game. naysay me if u want....it really dosent matter because mostly i couldnt give a fuck but also im determined...this time anyway.

law ball....was an experience to say the least. a bad one. most of you already know about the dance floor incident so i shant repeat myself. all i can say is, you've sunk to a new low, which makes you even more ironically attractive. its that whole forbidden fruit/ love to hate hate to love syndrome. this is a new chapter in the mystery that is you. its makes for good reading and i cant wait to see what the next chapter brings. hopefully we're getting to the end. it has to..
the rest of you...its easy to look from the outside and so flippantly dismiss this and that and give your all knowing condescendance on me.. yeah...you and i have different experiences, different ways of seeing things, different ways of moving on(or in some cases...clinging on). but then again..you're forgetting a very important aspect...im not you.

i think thats what i was trying to drive home. comparisons. how can we always compare ourselves to someone else? must we? do we? the subconscious answer is yes. secretly we just want to be that someone we perceive is everything we want to become. Segregated,because we wont admit it to ourselves. we want to be better than we currently are. no shame in that. only problem i see is why the comparisons. we're all special in our own way. if we need examples and guidelines then its all right to compare. but when comparison brings about self doubt and the reduction of self esteem...then fuck it. whatever it is...we are who we are. perfection dosent need clones. only self choice and self determination.

i know...my entries are getting shorter and losing relevance....im losing my spark....
fuck