filial

the only explanation i can give for the enforced absence is due to academic reasons, i.e. the fucking exams(sorry Grace, i find that using the word Fuck and its associated adjectives and adverbs the best way to express myself truly and freely without any restraints, plus i dont like using words like frigging and frick(scrubs inside joke) ). I can honestly say that i've never ever worked this hard in my life all for just a piece of paper. Nor do i intend to again, but you know how it goes with intentions, it never comes to fruitation. its never in your control. its just a mens rea but the actus reus of life and circumstances and fate, if you believe in it, conspire against intentions. You could read that as saying im spineless and not willing to carry on with what i set out to do, but then again i would say you're just naive and overly optimistic. not that that’s a bad thing of course. i envy you if you are. sadly i have a different outlook on life and yes, though self admittantly self deprecating, i would like to think im a realist. im not saying i view life as just a journey to the grave and nothing more and devoid of meaning. i know better than that and that life is beautiful. but its beautiful like a rose. with thorns. and i happen to pick a particularly prickly one. of course people have been dealt brambles in their life so i know im lucky to be where am i today. but then again, i dont take everything without a pinch of salt. unhealthy i know, but then that’s who i am. salty.

right then, to dispense with the lack of things to do plus post exam stress related to waiting for your results knowing that you might have fucked up one but hoping against hope that you didnt, i shall entertain myself with rant therapy. the above can be discounted as premature rantification. no thats not a real word. i looked it up. Interestingly labradoodle is a real word. and there is really a place called Fucking in Austria. useless knowledge you get from reading wikipedia articles and playing pub quiz games. Well, not really that useless if it can help you win 20 pounds.

so this is it then, the near end of the academic life, one foot into the real world, the market force, a part of the system. has it really been 22 years and counting? *clichéd words and phrases follow on how fast time flies. and there is fear in me as i step into a cold new world, and also a feeling of anticipation and nervous energy to go forth and make a living for myself. to be truly independent from my parents, who i intend to pay back every single cent given to me for my education and general upkeep expenses. i know without them i wouldn’t be where i am today. and it really frustrates and angers me when i see petulant kids who dont show their parents any respect. for fucks sake man/woman, you wouldnt be here without them and arent shit without them. and this further extends to "adults" who dump their parents in old folks home and leaves them for dead when they become a burden. Fuck all of you and fuck your circumstances. No circumstances can be an excuse for negligently neglecting your parents. ok, except maybe if they're incestuous and abuses but other than that its just.. wrong. no other word for it.. wrong. Confucius once said the most important value one can have is to be a filial child. im not a follower of Confucianism but that makes fucking sense and its something we all strive to have imbued within us and , hopefully and God willingly, in our kids. I dont mean to keep repeating myself but we are nothing without our parents and we should never ever forget them. They should be immortal in our memories and by extension to our kids i.e. their grand kids. If anyone reading this has lost a parent you have my full sympathy and im sorry if this piece has offended you in any way, but you should know more than the rest of us lucky ones how important parents are in our lives. So the next time you decide to scream at your parents for something you didnt get or do something that disappoints them, remember from whence u came from and who made you the person that you are today.

This piece is of course dedicated to the subject matter at hand, my parents, who i love very much and would do my utmost to make them proud of me. Yes, i do know that i have my flaws. I smoke, im jaded and i do sometimes do some things that i cant mention here for fear of persecution from the law and humiliation and of course disappointing you. But i hope that you know i would never do anything to hurt you anymore than i can help it and i truly love the both of you from the bottom of my heart even though i dont say it often enough but i hope my actions will show it and , i reiterate, i hope to make you proud of me.

i know its past mothers day and fathers day, but i dont need a specific date to show my parents love.

Thank you mom and dad. I love you

and thank you dear reader. I kinda love you as well though in a very platonic way and not at all gay.