random+bored

the fucking CLP's done with. I theoretically do not have to sit for an academic exam ever again in life. And how do i feel about that? Fucking numb is what i feel. I don't feel like celebrating, i don't feel like partying, I don't feel like hopping and skipping to the comic store like a love sick school girl that just got laid and wasn't raped in the process, to buy a fuck load of comics that I have been denying myself for the sake of studying for an exam that has a quota system on the passing rate to keep non Malays out of the legal profession, because they're already too many of us that are keep fucking them up politically. I don't feel like going for a road trip to an island just for the fucks of it because i want to see the sea and play on the beach like I was 10 again and watch the sunset while having a beer and being in the company of good friends. I really don't feel like doing anything actually. I don't know if it's because my brain doesn't know how to react after a month of studying everyday and 1 and a 1/2 weeks of sleep deprivation because, instead of studying for the exams much, much earlier, I adopted the typically Malaysian attitude of putting it off till the last fucking minute when its fucking too late and the balls start to shrink because you realize you have to cover material thats the size of 20 Lord of the Rings trilogy books. And if you're a well read person/ fantasy geek, you'll know thats a lot. Other than that numbness, here I am then, blogging on a blog that nobody reads. Oh, sorry, its read but because its too long winded and complicated no one bothers to come back.Plus it doesn't have pictures. Exceptions apply of course. I'm basically just typing whatever comes into my head right now, the extent of my boredom being as such. I'm still desperately in need of a fuck, but there's a feeling of, why bother. Its not like im going to get some anytime soon. Unless im paying. And i don't want to spend money for a 2 hours experience when i can spend it on a comic book that i can reread whenever i want to. Plus, i mean, i've said it so many times it become fucking redundant. And fuck, i just mentioned it again. I've been told that im "no longer fun". As in im not so easily satisfied or stimulated with doing activities which i once found fun and interesting to do. I wonder why? What changed? Has all the emotional trauma really taken its toll on me even though i tell myself differently to make it seem like im strong but im not? I guess so then if im "no longer fun". I also feel that blog ranting therapy is no longer helping me and i would like to go for psychiatric help but then again, the same argument would apply to the sex argument. I don't want to fucking pay for it. Which means, ergo, i dont want to change and thus its useless to rant. Its useless to want to change but not fucking do anything about it. Its useless to bitch. Its useless to have this blog. Its useless to write what i feel in here because i dont fucking feel any better after i've ranted . yes, i lied then in the past. Im in a fucking rut. We're the all singing, all dancing crap of the world. Not original i know, but hey, if i was fucking original i would have done something with art or the movies instead of law.

I don't care about comments. As far as im concerned, it doesn't exist. Not that i cant handle positive and constructive criticism. I just don't care basically. Because i wouldn't take your comments to heart, whether positive or negative. Masuk telinga kiri keluar telinga kanan. Sorry. Like i said, i don't care.

limbo

in a limbo. and im not talking about the fucking game. im not that flexible anyway and would probably break my back if i attempted to limbo. anyway, in this rare space of time i can get away from the fucking mire that is the CLP to blog, i.e. relax my mind, take a break, to just fucking rant and let some exam pressure/stress go.

why a limbo? i dont know. it could be the fact that i really dont care if pass this time or not. i really dont. it was a stupid, uninformed decision on my part to choose and even continue to do the CLP in the first place, so i guess bitching and moaning now, with a paper in less than 15 hours away, about why im still taking it. See, thats point. Im "trying my best" right now. i.e. studying everything a day before the exams. Going through all the stress that is usually associated with exams. but like i said, i couldnt give two flying shits if i pass the exams or not. i mean, fuck it, i just didnt and dont have the interest anymore. Im burnt out and just... in a fucking rut. Not to mention that im desperately in need of a good fuck and masturbation just doesn't fucking cut it anymore. A meaningful relationship would help too but all interested parties currently have other interest and engagements to attend to. i. fucking. e they're already taken or have different sexual preferences. in short, this fucking loneliness is not fucking helping the situation. On the CLP, fuck it, it been proven that there's a fucking quota and only 10-20% of applicants pass it because the fucking government, if its not raising oil prices or blowing up mongolians or having anal sex, wants to keep the fucking non bumis i.e. me, out of the one fucking profession they know that if not racially segregated, will come and bite them in the ass should someone in the profession get "politically active". well, on my part, fuck politics, i just want to fucking earn some money to help put my as yet unborn kids to school. ohh.. wait.. that aint in line with government policy.

and in regards to love and relationships.. and this excludes platonic and familial levels, it just dosent fucking exist. i think that if we arent related or known each other for fuck knows how long, we are just out there to fucking hurt each other because we're selfish. dont believe me? read the fucking news and open your eyes around you. love is dead. long live indifference... ok fine. dont believe me. im just a fucking cynic who's stressed up and burnt out and slightly horny.

yeah..so its back to the books again. and i dont feel fucking better. and not having a cigarette just fucking aggravates the situation even more.

fucking off now.