2009 #3/ revisiting the old well

Relationships are really complicated machinations and devices of the human heart. That goes without saying. I should know. or rather, more accurately, based on my one experience which totally scarred me to the brink of insanity, I think i should know. But that's the whole problem isn't it? I don't know. My first love turned out to be the be all and end all of what i know about love. And honestly, if you know me at all, its a rather bleak assessment. I mean most first loves dont last, but from what i've seen, they dont end with you breaking everything within sight, bloodying your hands from punching the wall and self scarification. It was the first time i called my dad and confided in him something so personal. See, my father hasnt lived in the same roof as me since i was 11 and we didnt have this father- son- you- can- talk- to- me- about- anything bond since then. I keep my thoughts to myself mostly. So you can imagine how much that incident fucked me up till the extent i had to call my father. Because honestly, i had no one else to turn to at the time who could have shown me unconditional love but my father. Since then, I would like to say that I have matured a little more. No more breaking things, intentionally anyway. No more bloodying hands unless if its during cricket or helping with a DIY project. And no more self scarification. I have my degree now, and im part of the work force. My life is pretty much on track except for a few minor setbacks such as a tv with busted speakers, a bad smoking habit, a slight phobia of driving in busy streets and could- do- better financial status. Oh, and the fact that im just utterly fucking confused about the women in my life(the-platonic-looking-towards-a- relationship women), namely for M and CS. No, you dumb shit, im not talking about Megaman or Counter Strike.

Recently, as you're all aware, I have begun to my quest to woo the fair maiden CS from her Ivory tower of Self Isolation. My efforts so far have been hampered by her unwillingness to be more open to my advancements to move beyond the friend zone and, in all honesty, its getting a little bit exasperating. Unreadable intentions are merely the tip of the iceberg with this one folks. More recently however, I have managed to rekindle relations with M as well. Remember that whole story about first love ending in bloody fists and broken furniture and all that good stuff? Yeah, meet the cause of all it. I shan't go into further detail as i already have in the past and its still a little bit too painful to be revisiting old scars to be honest. Strangely enough, i still find that, even after all the pain she caused, mentally as well as physically self caused due to mental instabilities, we are actually quite good friends. The comfort level is amazing, and its one i wish i could have shared with past attempts at love. And therein lies the root of this confusion. I have honestly wanted to close the chapter with M, which explains why i pursued every new attempt with a gusto unseen that it might come off as trying too hard. Well, guess what sister? I fucking was. Obviously it doesn't work and you know, after being single for so long you just get to the same fucking routine of flower picking. Is she the one, Is she not the one. Is she the one, Is she not the one. Im still single and i dread this feeling of being alone and being unable to share my joys, what little of it there is, with a significant other. And to confound this conundrum i did a Chasing Amy with M the other day, without the eventual getting together and discussions of finger cuffing. Which again, makes me wonder if my feelings for CS are really as strong as i thought it was. Could it be she is again a victim of the ChapterClosing syndrome? Could it be that im just a really lonely person and couldnt help myself? Could it be that despite everything i just want that comfort level again even though it earns me scorn and rejection from others dear to me? Could it be that they're making a live action movie of the comic Green Lantern? Ok, the last question wasn't really that relevant to the current issue. The fact is, im just very confused right now.

I want old comforts in a new experience and new comforts with old experiences. But pursuing both just fucking sucks because the end product of rejection from both is something i dont think i can handle and the days of bloody hands and broken inanimate objects might resurface again. No.. not something i want at all

You know, im just so bloody sorry i cant talk about issues that are more serious thats affecting the world like Israel and Gaza or the economic crisis. Unlike the currently discussed problems, those are situations i cant do shit about so why the fuck should i give my two cents when there are more "qualified" people who have already given theirs for top dollar? And yes, im happy, thank you very fucking much, except i seem to have this problem with women so if you dont mind letting me get back to my perfectly imperfect world and you just go back to your perfect little made up plastic world where everything was given to you because you were just so fucking blessed with everything while i got the shit end of things because, i dont know, maybe God thinks you're better than me, or its just because daddy was always there for you or you know you're just so fucking good looking that you get chicks/dudes left and right while my chicks are my left and right.......... we're going to get along just fine.

allworkandnolovemakejuadullboy allworkandnoplaymakejuadullboy allworkandnolovemakejuadullboy allworkandnoplaymakejuadullboy
allworkandnolovemakejuadullboy allworkandnoplaymakejuadullboy

sorry, that was my homage to the shining. brilliant show that one....

and yes i deliberately made this post long so that people would be turned off by and and wont read it. Did it work?

Nigthmare #1 2009

It started out great. You finally got over your fear of me and my sins, and I got over my insecurities and cowardice. The question was asked offhandedly and you said yes, in a restaurant with a forgettable name and forgettable food, but with an underlying layer of hope and love. For the first time in a long time I smiled, smiled sincerely, smiled contently, I just smiled for no other reason other than the fact that you wanted to share your life with me. Its funny how the greatest joys in life are always in a whirlwind of the moment. It happens, but it happens so fast that if you blinked, you missed. Its so unlike the bitterness of scorn and rejection. They happen like a train wreck in slow motion. And they scar you for life while you try to comfort yourself with the fleeting moments of happiness that you had but just cant for the life of you seem to be recalled to be looked at and smiled upon like a photo of the past. The only thing I do remember is the softness of your hands and the warm feeling I get every time we touched, physically and emotionally. And most of all, I remembered the smiles. If the world was destroyed in a fiction worthy disaster, I wouldn't have changed a thing knowing that I had seen you smile. And you had made me smile. Then the scene of things begin to change. The softness is no longer there, and the warm feeling is now cold and unfeeling. You don't smile as much as you used to, if hardly ever anymore. You have a new friend now, someone you've deemed worthy to share your life with. I have been usurped. I have been robbed. I have been vilified. I no longer have you. And you want nothing to do with me. Even your friend is so well liked while I'm and loathed and hated. I don't know how it happened. Worse, I don't know why it happened. And the worst part of it all, I don't smile anymore.

And that's when I woke up. In a cold sweat. And guess what, I wasn't smiling again.

Fucking nightmare.

2009 #2

writing this fast so please dont mind the spelling and grammar errors.

life has been good but it could get better. im officially part of the work force, things are better with father and progress with CS has be going well or so i hope it is. i still get the feeling that she isint comfortable with me but that could be just a general thing because every girl i've ever gone for has turned out lesbian or hating me , whichever comes first, so you will forgive me for my premature assumption and misread intentions as this is shaky territory for me and i feel like the lone unassuming swimmer and love is the shark. Also, i wish to move out of the friend zone of which i have deeply entrenched myself in since the book incident. this is not helped by the fact that the realities of the working world allow one no social life and whatever sparse time she is free, she has other people and events and to entertain. which again pricks up my inate sense of low self esteem and paranoia. all seems now well however, so yes, i am content. i.e. i could feel happier but im alright the way i am now.

later.

2009 #1

as you, my intellectually gifted and observant readers, can tell, its the first entry(read rant) of the year 2009 Anni Domini. First order of the agenda(read random rant) is the fact that no, I have not changed my outlook on life, i.e. i think its still a fucking shit hole and i question my parent's motives in consummating their marriage for the second time and thus "creating" me. I think its part of the karmic punishment for being a cruel bastard in my past life but that's just my opinion anyway. The rationale behind such cynical and not too optimistic beliefs and outlooks is the fact that, even after pursuing a professional degree i still find myself jobless which ergo shows me what the world really thinks I'm worth, that is, in short, jack shit. and that, since 12:00 am January 1st 2009 its been 4 fucking years since I've been in a relationship, let alone had sex. Yes I still believe it is the be all and end all of my life and fuck you for saying its not because you get it on a regular basis or lead a very non exciting(read non sexual active) life(which you're quite content with *coughfaggotcough*). So yes, since 2005 circa being dumped because I'm, of all things, not a girl, i still maintain that the world is a shitty place. and while we're on this round of giving out fuck yous, i did like to give an especially angsty and venomous one to the fuckers who fucked up the world economy. FUCK YOU.

in other news here on ju-rants news network (JRNN for you acronym lovers) I dint understand why everyone is protesting Israel bombing the shit out of Gaza. Don't get me wrong, I, like every sheep, i mean everyone else, am into that whole UN we're citizens of the world love peace and harmony nonsensical and idealistic crap and of course I think Israel should be slapped on their little bumbum and told not to bomb the crap out of Gaza(again) but what I do not buy into is this demonstration/protest crap. If the fucking UN cant get Israel to stop dropping the bombs do you think the Zionist will give a crap and listen to some common street protester shouting catchy mob chants and carrying glittered up banners saying how much you love Palestine and waving Palestinian flags and fucking blocking up the streets? Lets face reality, they don't give a fuck. Where were all these protests and all this outpouring of empathy when the Palestinians were launching Quassam rockets into Israel? Where was all this brotherly love when your own citizens were being persecuted and jailed just for telling the truth and demanding justice? Where is all this furious and righteous anger when Africans are dying and facing genocide and starvation? Where was all this sympathy when 2000 innocent Americans died in a terrorist attack? Where were your flags and your banners when the suicide bombers killed dozens of Israelis commuting to their workplace in a bus? I don't fucking claim to be anti Islamic, Semitic, Christian or otherwise, I agree, what Israel is doing now is wrong, but I don't happen to protest "selective" and "hot topic" issues and events just because its on the news and the Shepards herd their sheep and tell them its right to do so either.

moving on to interpersonal relationships, Ms CS is, enigmatic to say the least. Oh how you do attract me with your perceived innocence and purity yet how you repel me at the same time with the unsaid loathing and avoidance like the plague. I'm tired of paying for my past sins. why cant you just see that i have nothing but best intentions and sincere feelings for you, or have the shrouds of my past sins blinded you so much from the truth of the situation like all my other failed attempts at human connection? If hell is what awaits me, then i truly have no fear of whats to come. Just, for once, take my hand, trust me, and stay.

Hell, that imaginary paradox of that other imaginary place called heaven. It reminds me of a quote, with which i will leave you with on this the 2nd day of the year 2009, on a most sombre and once again angsty note. but then again, you already knew all that when you visited this blog didn't you?

Faustus: Where are you damned?

Mephastophilis: In Hell

F:How comes it then that thou art out of hell?

M:Why, this is hell, nor am I out of it. Think'st thou that I, who saw the face of God, and tasted the eternal joys of heaven, am not tormented with ten thousand hells in being deprived of everlasting bliss? O Faustus, leave these frivolous demands, which strike a terror to my fainting soul.

Scene 3, Dr Faustus by Christopher Marlowe.

Love English Lit. Hate life. For now. Speaking monotonously. Like Neanderthal. Hurrrrr. Heh.
*Writer has become temporarily insane from lack of sleep, or pussy, or both.