Being indifferent is hard. Especially since it's not within your character to do so. And I'm quite a character. I wear my heart on my sleeves like it was going out of fashion. That's who I am and no amount of Tony Robbins-esque talk will ever change that. Unless i go through ANOTHER traumatic life changing experience. Even then it would be like "ok, I've been here before, I've dealt with it. Have a cigarette or 20 and you'll be fine." I hope it would be like that anyway.
So yeah, day 12 of an indifferent life. Indifferent towards the opposite sex or more specifically the pursuit of them into having a meaningful relationship. Mixed feelings mostly. On the one hand I feel completely at ease not having to chase after someone, not having to exert any effort in trying to get a certain someone to have feelings for me which they didn't have before. Now I only have to worry about myself and that's a real easy matter to take care of. Simple guy, simple worries(unless it involves the opposite sex and driving) . The current crop of crisis' have stopped for the time being and life is as content as it can get. I mean sure, I wouldn't mind a ps3 or an uber pc which would allow me to play games which I can conquer the world and take my real life frustrations out on my AI controlled denizens by ruling them with an oppressive iron fist that is the Empire of Julmeria. All Hail Emperor Me! Er... yes.. off tangent discourse there. I mean yeah, I would like all those things, but I'm still pretty alright without them
Now, we come to the other grubby little needy hand. I loathe the feeling of being alone. I absolutely hate the feeling that I can't put my hands around someone and hug them close to me just because I want that warmth. I hate it that there isn't someone stroking my hair and telling me everything is all right while I rest on their warm bosom. I just want to hold someone's hand and talk about everything and nothing and still have a great time just being with each other. I just like the feeling of being wanted by someone who I can also make out with and if im really fucking lucky, have the sex with. No, I can't afford the "girlfriend treatment" from prostitutes either. Neither would i want to of course. The fact that I know im paying for that is already a major turn off. I want the above and beyond friendship companionship from a girl, if that could be conceived in our over analytical minds. And not actively looking for that is akin to wanting to eat bread but not going to get it because you don't want to drive and get that particular brand of bread because you know there are better brands out there and/or they're currently sold out of it and you can wait for a while till they get new stock but you're really hungry for bread right now. Yeah, that didn't make sense to me either but im just too lazy to backspace/highlight and then backspace it. And I just made a peanut butter sandwich.
So yeah, I'm doing fine. For now.
This is an sms conversation my dad and me had recently
Me: What time are you going to see Hermes tomorrow?
Dad: 9am. I hope we can take him back tomorrow
Me: I hope so too. He looks so sad in that cage
Dad: I know. That's why I want to bring him back.
Me: Guess we have to see what the doctor says tomorrow. Hopefully we can bring him back.
Dad: Insyah Allah. Opps.
Me: Hahaha. Nice one
For those who don't get it, Re Allah argument in Malaysia. Opps myself. For the MCMC and the ISA my name is Professor Dr Ricardo Julio Vargas and my dad's name is Ernesto Serna Vargas y Guevarra. We are both Argentinians living in Malaysia.
And yeah. Hermes was sick last week. Vomiting blood. He's better now that lovable furball.
Dad: If you want to have sex get a whore. If you want companionship get a dog.
Im inclined to agree with him on that.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Park induced thoughts
there's a park on top of a hill in TTDI. It was first brought to my knowledge by Joyce. Her emo spot as she callled it. A place to think. I have co-opted this spot and it has now become my emo spot. Here are the results of my reflections and so called revelations
I don't actually love anyone. When I mean love I don't familial love. That's a given. I don't mean friendship and brotherhood either. No, I'm talking about a "love" between your significant other. My current pursuit of the Ivory Tower Dweller has come to naught. I mean, the fact that to even get you out of your house requires so much work and cooperation from outside parties speaks volumes about your character. I know everything there is about you, but you're still a stranger to me. It dawned upon me, upon a cloud of smoke luminescent in the street light that I don't love you, but I love the idea of you. I love, nay want, the love, companionship and all that good stuff that reputedly comes from a relationship. Quite simply, I'm sick and tired of being alone. But then why the need to want you? To keep hoping against hope that you'll one day magically realize that I was always there waiting for you? Upon honest reflection, Im keeping the hope because there is simply no other pursuit, and I dread to be hopeless. You are basically the Alpha and Omega of my non love life. And I feel that that's unfair. Unfair that I should limit myself to you and unfair to you because you don't know what is it that you want. Or more precisely, you're afraid to want. Can't say that I blame you. Lots of baggage. But it's a bit hypocritical to always claim to wait for your White Knight while a real one waits for you to descend your Ivory Tower. The fact is, I'm the best you got but don't want. And I guess it's time to do a chinaman and cut my losses and move on, hard as it may be. It feels like being cast in the sea with nothing but driftwood to cling on to. And it's slowly disintegrating.
I had another paragraph before this regarding the church burnings, but when i read it back it sounded pretty much like reactive and angry rhetoric that would make me no better than the crazies hurling petrol bombs at churches. I've not been known in recent times to be a big fan of God/Jesus/Allah/Buddha/Jehovah/Yahweh/Vahiguru/Krishna/Vishnu/Kali/Xemu/Bob the Annointed/ The Big Man. I suppose He gives everyone else a sense of hope and belief. He never did for me despite trying to be a good person. Big I believe in Him/Her/It nonetheless despite my misgivings. So what actually disturbs me about the burnings is the fact that it's actually happening. I mean, yes, the signs have been there. The rhetoric, the thinly veiled pseudo racists religious threats being made to the gallery. But for the much touted 1Malaysia multi racial mutli religious harmony peace love and brotherhood song and dance, it was something we could all get behind for once, despite it being just a song and dance. I guess it just caught me off guard, this sudden and violent realization of the harsh truth of the matter. We are all just racist pricks and the dream of a Malaysian Malaysia crashed and burned like the churches. We live in a country where the walls of "trying to live with each other harmoniously despite our differences" has been brought crumbling down and no matter what happens next, things will never be the same. The Malaysia I grew up in died on Friday. We can all hold hands now and sing Cumbayah(Yes, I've read the newspaper. Muslims and non Muslims alike are being united in condemnation), but the Malaysian psyche has been shattered. Fringe or not, it still happened. There are actually Malaysians who believe they are the master race and they will enforce the point with force and terror. Where and what does that leave the rest of us? Hope? Unity? It's hard to have hope and unity when churches are burning and cows heads are being kicked and spat upon. I used to think that, despite the misgivings( and by defining the fucked up shit that happens here as mere misgivings is already being generous) we at least had the freedom of religion. It seems even that thought now has to come under some revision.
There. I said my piece on both issues. Im pretty sure the latter can be more articulated and rational but hey, if I could have done that I would have been a writer. Oh...wait... I meant a GOOD writer. There are plenty of other good writers out there having their say on this issue, and probably sounding much better, but hey, its not like anyone reads this blog anyway.
I don't actually love anyone. When I mean love I don't familial love. That's a given. I don't mean friendship and brotherhood either. No, I'm talking about a "love" between your significant other. My current pursuit of the Ivory Tower Dweller has come to naught. I mean, the fact that to even get you out of your house requires so much work and cooperation from outside parties speaks volumes about your character. I know everything there is about you, but you're still a stranger to me. It dawned upon me, upon a cloud of smoke luminescent in the street light that I don't love you, but I love the idea of you. I love, nay want, the love, companionship and all that good stuff that reputedly comes from a relationship. Quite simply, I'm sick and tired of being alone. But then why the need to want you? To keep hoping against hope that you'll one day magically realize that I was always there waiting for you? Upon honest reflection, Im keeping the hope because there is simply no other pursuit, and I dread to be hopeless. You are basically the Alpha and Omega of my non love life. And I feel that that's unfair. Unfair that I should limit myself to you and unfair to you because you don't know what is it that you want. Or more precisely, you're afraid to want. Can't say that I blame you. Lots of baggage. But it's a bit hypocritical to always claim to wait for your White Knight while a real one waits for you to descend your Ivory Tower. The fact is, I'm the best you got but don't want. And I guess it's time to do a chinaman and cut my losses and move on, hard as it may be. It feels like being cast in the sea with nothing but driftwood to cling on to. And it's slowly disintegrating.
I had another paragraph before this regarding the church burnings, but when i read it back it sounded pretty much like reactive and angry rhetoric that would make me no better than the crazies hurling petrol bombs at churches. I've not been known in recent times to be a big fan of God/Jesus/Allah/Buddha/Jehovah/Yahweh/Vahiguru/Krishna/Vishnu/Kali/Xemu/Bob the Annointed/ The Big Man. I suppose He gives everyone else a sense of hope and belief. He never did for me despite trying to be a good person. Big I believe in Him/Her/It nonetheless despite my misgivings. So what actually disturbs me about the burnings is the fact that it's actually happening. I mean, yes, the signs have been there. The rhetoric, the thinly veiled pseudo racists religious threats being made to the gallery. But for the much touted 1Malaysia multi racial mutli religious harmony peace love and brotherhood song and dance, it was something we could all get behind for once, despite it being just a song and dance. I guess it just caught me off guard, this sudden and violent realization of the harsh truth of the matter. We are all just racist pricks and the dream of a Malaysian Malaysia crashed and burned like the churches. We live in a country where the walls of "trying to live with each other harmoniously despite our differences" has been brought crumbling down and no matter what happens next, things will never be the same. The Malaysia I grew up in died on Friday. We can all hold hands now and sing Cumbayah(Yes, I've read the newspaper. Muslims and non Muslims alike are being united in condemnation), but the Malaysian psyche has been shattered. Fringe or not, it still happened. There are actually Malaysians who believe they are the master race and they will enforce the point with force and terror. Where and what does that leave the rest of us? Hope? Unity? It's hard to have hope and unity when churches are burning and cows heads are being kicked and spat upon. I used to think that, despite the misgivings( and by defining the fucked up shit that happens here as mere misgivings is already being generous) we at least had the freedom of religion. It seems even that thought now has to come under some revision.
There. I said my piece on both issues. Im pretty sure the latter can be more articulated and rational but hey, if I could have done that I would have been a writer. Oh...wait... I meant a GOOD writer. There are plenty of other good writers out there having their say on this issue, and probably sounding much better, but hey, its not like anyone reads this blog anyway.
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