Dad

I remember when I was back in school I used to hate Moral Studies. Other than the obvious reasons of redundancy, I hated Moral Studies especially when they talked about family. Oh how nice, mummy and daddy live together in the same mansion as you. Daddy is an accountant and mummy's a house wife. You went to Melbourne, Australia for your holiday with both your parents and you had a blast and were so thankful for mummy and daddy being able to take you for a holiday. One big fucking happy family. When it came to my turn that was the lie I used. Yes, everything was A-OK at the Teh residence. We all lived together as one big fucking happy family.

I remember the night my dad said he wasn't coming home. We had dinner on a Friday as usual. Just me, sis and him. Mum never went for certain reasons. This particular evening, after dinner, dad didn't drive in. He stopped in front of the house and said "I won't be coming back" or something to that effect. I didn't understand it then. Mum was crying. It was to be revealed later that dad went to live with his other family.

I remember, after kong kong died, the woman asked me why I didn't introduce her to my mom's side of the family come to pay their respects. I tried to be civil for his sake and dodged the question. She persisted. She said "Why, you're scared your mom would be angry at you if you introduced me to your uncle and aunty? Come on la, your parent's are already divorced." It was a good thing I was sitting in the back and it was dark. You couldn't have seen the sheer hatred on my face and the fists clenched so tight it dug into my palm. You didn't say anything. Nothing. And all I could think of was, THIS is what you left us for?

I remember the panic and the fear I experienced when I brought my blood vomiting dog to the vet. I remember the reckless abandonment I drove with when dad called to tell me the situation. He was so weak and he was hardly the dog I knew he was. He was in so much pain and I could do fuckall to help him. By the Grace of God he survived. He was weak but glad to leave the vet. And after everything, what did the woman have to say despite her complete lack of participation in helping my sick dog? "How much was the bill?". It was almost a thousand ringgit. To which she responded, "Wah! Hmmph.. And you wanted a dog somemore la". The fists tightened again, but the face remained neutral. For your sake. Because despite your lack of imparting life lessons to me due to your absence, I was brought up with more tact. And you didn't say a thing. Not in front of her anyway.

I remember on New Year's eve, I thought you would have been happy to know that I manged to save up about 4000 rm from my salary. It was addressed to you, not her. Of course as usual she just had to knock down the legacy that is me, your fucking son. "4000rm only? Huh, you should have saved more. You can use the card to buy groceries and petrol. Your house is all paid up for and so is your car." I didn't ask for her fucking opinion on something that has nothing to do with her. And yet again, you said nothing. Not in front of her again anyway.

I remember, one of the few life lessons that you tried to impart on me. "Be brave in the face of adversity". I try. I really try. I try to be everything that you want me to be despite the mounting adversities. I try to be a good son inspite of everything. I love you despite everything you've done to this family.

Have I failed you yet again?

Results of Unemployment #3

Being the sort who's unemployed( but not from lack of trying, much) allows one to read a large number of books and movies/shows. Said activities do not in fact bring much in terms of self improvement by learning new skills unless it's a survival/field guide by Bear Grylls (and comes packaged with flash frozen elephant poo and DVD entitled "Wolf shit and other delectable survivor food). Sadly the only pseudo useful book that I have read is Max Brook's Zombie Survival Guide for, you know, defending against the zombie threat. Yeah, you're all laughing now, but we'll see who's laughing when your zombie girlfriend takes oral sex to a whole other painful and decidedly deadly level. But seriously, for a humour book it's pretty well written. So well written that your suspension of disbelief will have you subconsciously going "Head shot kills zombies" and then go "boom, head shot" with your imaginary pistol when you see your nemesis on the street. Do people still use that word anymore in a non fantasy/sci fi context? I know enemy is a fine word, but nemesis just gives it so much more epicness. And I hate the fact that douchbaggy people have annexed the word epic as an adverb/adjective to their douchbaggery. Bastards. I hate you worse than a Scottish man who missed his flight because of Eyjafjallajökull's volcanic ash hates Iceland. Heh...Eyjafjallajökull. It's as fun to write as it is to pronounce.

Going with the theme of the week, God bless American tv. I mean no offense to Spana Jaya or Akademi Fantasia, but we're literally starving for good tv over here. If you look at local tv schedules 60%-75% of the programming's American and/or British. And then you have your Hong Kong drama's which are, surprise surprise, from Hong Kong. Let's just say, since the death of P Ramlee, we havent had anything worth watching on tv that isn't the news and even that's, well, you know. coughpropogandacough. And you're surprised at why Astro is so successful and therefore a monopolizing force in an industry that has no competition to speak off? With the advent of P2P file sharing and the freedom of internet usage(take that China) we(those who are tech savvy enough anyway) are able to indulge in our inner Americana. Currently watching;

Lost *last season. I bet we still won't get it ;

Cougar Town *yes, the name is implies exactly what you think it means, a town infested with mutant mountain cougars who want to take over the state of North Dakota

The Pacific * Band of Brothers in the Pacific. Replace snowy woods and European towns and Germans with islands, rain and Japs. And no, you still won't know who's who once they put their helmets on

Breaking Bad *Meth, meth and more meth. Also some cancer. Set in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Mexicans welcomed, unlike Arizona

Big Bang Theory * sometimes at night, I think Im Sheldon Cooper and say Bazinga repeatedly while wearing my Green Lantern t shirt

You Have been Watching * Charlie Brooker. Enough said

Animated series (it's not CARTOONS) Ugly Americans, The Simpsons, The Boondocks and Seth Macfarlane's evil triumvirate.

Deadliest Warrior. *it is literally the silliest thing on tv now, besides manswers and wipeout. But like all silly shows it has it appeal set in its silliness. Besides, its fun to see machismo at it's best when combined with ballistic gel, blood pack stuffed dummies, and various pig and beef carcasses all for the benefit of seeing who is the most badass. Kinda like high school really.

The Ultimate Fighter * in its 11th season. If you don't know what it is by now you're of the same intellectual and awareness levels as some of our local politicians. Or you just don't like violence. Now run along and go play with your Lil Buddy's First Kitchen Set from Fisher Price. Gordon Ramsay approved.

Spartacus is everything it's hyped to be. Blood, sand and boobs and delectable dialogue such as "Once again the Gods have seen fit to spread cheeks and insert cock", "Jupiter's cock!" and the brilliant back and forth "I'll fuck your corpse" "With what cock?". Rest assured they're not talking about male chickens.

In addition, am eagerly awaiting the season premiers of Californication, Entourage, Futurama, and Sons of Anarchy. I might be missing something here but meh, I'll find out sooner or later.

And, seeing as I have so much free time on hand, I've counted 20 dead singers/band members/artists in my itunes.

Yeap, that's what my life is like now, books, movies and waiting for replies from the 9 or so companies which have my resume but are no doubt playing office basketball with it. Am willing to do odd jobs ranging from security guard/non costumed vigilante to guy who tells you that you look good in EVERYTHING you wear even if it's painfully obvious you look like dried vomit mixed with a little bit of medical waste. Am also sarcastic and cynical enough to fill in for Simon Cowell esque judging duties.

Results of Unemployment #2

so I came across this last night




Firstly, bravo 13Mordeth. I have a mad non homosexual man crush on him now. Watch his video, he's funny. I also seem to have a sudden affinity with Canadians.

Secondly, while highly commendable, it brings one(i.e. me) to think about the current state of affairs in Malaysia. A cop wouldn't even bother responding to a call regarding dog abuse. "Aiyah, hanya anjing kan? Tak perlu bikin buat report" is how the imaginary though highly probable conversation with our fine men and women of the PDRM would sound like if the actual situation were to happen here, before said servant to the rakyat would promptly share a cigarette with hypothetical dog abuser and tell funny "How many minorities would it take to....." jokes. Neither would there be a fine young upstanding citizen and dog lover to assist another because, a) it's Malaysia and we're a generally apathetic society and b) it's Malaysia. Which is to say, animal abuse in this country is rampant and ambivalent and nothing is being done to address this issue, despite the numerous efforts of Sabrina Yeap and the SPACA and PAWS and the too few genuine dog lovers in Malaysia. Re Rocky, DBKL pound's inhumane methods of pet control, Pulau Ketam, and the many many many other reported and unreported cases of animal abuse. I hope karmic forces transplant you lot into a family guy episode entitled road to the multiverse alternate reality where dogs and humans have a role reversal and they can all dump you on an island and you can all play Survivor human pets sans the off screen buffets and Jeff Probst initiated challenges and the all too real possibility that you might die or resort to cannibalism which, truthfully, would boost ratings. With the snuff aficionado audience range anyway.

Now's the part where I encourage you all to support your local animal welfare centres and NGOs, but then again you're all Malaysian, and an Indian working in Dubai searching for "Indian sex fuck" on google, and one Polish guy who searched for "Kesha's tik tok lyrics+interpretation", Im not going to waste my time. You know the links and the proper channels, you don't need my self righteous ass to tell you what to do.

Oh and yes, I do love trolling around the internet starting random conversations with random strangers on comment sections and chatboxes (Hi Kenny Sia!) with topics ranging from trailer park trash cuisine to hand towel rack proximity and location in one's bathroom.

Home or something like it

reedited to be more emo than originally intended. you have been forewarned.

Unless you have the perception and observation skills of a zombie who's brain has rotted due to exposure to the elements, yes Im back in Malaysia. I won't say that I'm glad to be back. I mean yeah, I'm on familiar grounds again, with familiar faces and a familiar routine. And I'm beginning to hate it. I hate the weather, the not quite adequate internet speed and a very very limited cable/satellite tv channel selection that really doesn't have to give a damn about paying customers and are free to charge whatever they want because of a lack of competition, i.e. a fucking monopoly. I also hate the fact that I'm not adjusting to well to the hermit, independent lifestyle which I had before I left. The whole bills and general household upkeep bullshit which I was free of for a blissful 1 1/2 months. But, life goes on I suppose. It has to.


Yeah, I think it's safe to admit it now. I miss my mom. A lot. I actually cried when I heard her voice on the phone, despite telling myself before that I wouldn't. I don't know why. I guess, after not seeing her for a couple of years, spending all that time with her, I felt that maternal connection that I missed all those years just come back again. I was just so used to doing without, it's just a shock to the system, and now that it's gone again, I feel nothing but a big empty void. And that brings me to tears. Shit, even as I type I can feel that lump in my throat and the welling up of tears. I just really miss my mom... I miss the lost years of coming home to see my mom cooking mee siam because she knows its my favourite. I miss the fact that she used to send and pick me up from school and always told me she loved me no matter how much of a bastard brat I was being that given day. I miss her ability to inadvertently or not, make me laugh, sometimes at her, or with her, but regardless she made me laugh. I missed how she used to, and still does, move heaven and earth to make me happy, whether as a snot nosed kid or today as a emotionally fragile manchild. I miss her reassurances that everything's going to be ok and that how everything she has ever done, fucked up divorce and a cheating husband, inevitable difficulties and uncertainties at moving and settling in a new country and all, everything was and always will be done in the best interest of her children. I hate how much of a bastard I can be to her because I just can't deal with my emotions and take it out on her. And she still loves me inspite and despite all the bullshit I've done that would have made mothers made of lesser steel lift their arms up to the heavens and curse them for such an ungrateful child. I know it's a little early now, a week actually, but I just wanted to wish you Happy Mother's day mom. I miss you and love you.

In connection to that, I've tried to hide these feelings, show that I'm a big man, that I'm not the emotional train wreck that I so clearly am. And I fear civil and ofttimes heart warming gestures with an old and dear acquaintance have been irrevocably damaged again, and it may be that the path to redemption or something like it has been lost forever, despite bridges that had been so lovingly restored, only to be crushed in the violent and capricious tempest that is my character flaw in being, as she termed it, sticky to the point annoyance. It was, in the end a facade behind a facade. I countered, jousted and brought that mistakenly assumed intelligent mind to fore in the fare thee well speech, in an effort to seem less sticky, annoying and above all clingy, to show that I've changed, that I'm not the man she knew all through all those 10 years. I was trying so hard that I inevitably became everything that I dreaded to become. I was needier than ever. I hid the underlying cause of simply wanting a shoulder to cry on, as I've done on countless occasions for her, though she seems to forget this, or rather, thinks my flaws far outweigh those occasions of tenderness and support. Plain fact of the matter is, I was wrong. My defenses crumbled, my own motto Veritas Nunquam Perit and Quarae Verum were lost in a speech that was impassioned for all the wrong reasons. Yes, I deserved to get slapped with my own words. It seems the adage "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" rang and rung in a crushing crescendo in a domino effect that is my loosing control of my emotions and the shit hitting the fan. I don't know what happens now. I don't even know myself.

Rest assured I've cried more times than I can remember just writing this damn post.

All is dust..