Chesty Coughs/ Not a hipster

So I just had some "strong" cough syrup for my apparent "viral infection" of the throat. Antihistamines, as you may or may not know, has the side effect of making one drowsy. In my case, it makes me dopey, akin to being a little bit drunk sans the alcohol and the ritual like realization that hey, I'm not getting laid tonight again. So... im going to talk to you Ms Teen Cristine.

I can't fucking believe you went back to your woman beating, paranoid, compulsive, controlling douchebag boyfriend. I mean, were pickings really that slim? Could you really not find anyone else? Like me? Oh wait, I forgot, you think I'm creepy. What with my book purchasing and repeated attempts to at least have some social interaction with you which invariably leads to you calling your friend to come along on the pretense(to her anyway) that its some jolly youthful group outing instead of my original intention of spending some personal one-on-one time getting to know you better since, well, that was your original reason for not going out with me isn't it? I don't know you that well. Well sorry, but I seem to think that 9 years of "not knowing me" should fucking account for something. Let me tell you one thing though, I never have and never will beat a woman. Stick that in your fucking dysfunctional relationship pipe and smoke it, you passive aggressive bitch. Eh, don't worry about it. She doesn't even know this blog exists. And even if she did, its not like its going to change the status quo one way or another.

10 minutes: Eyelids seem somehow a little heavier. Am very much conscious and fully aware of my actions. Dear Sirs and/or Madams, I humbly request that I be allowed to hand in my submission on reasons why I am not a hipster nor have I ever claimed to be one, contrarian as my personality may be.

1) I'm fat. You don't see fat hipsters because, ironically, being fat isn't hipster enough. Really, think about. Have you ever seen a fat hipster? Everyone's very much thin from the refusal to harm mother earth by using petroleum based fuel. Or eat non-organic food which has been scientifically proven to not be any much different from organic food. Plus I think reading Charles Bukowski puts a strain on one mentally and physically.

2) Yes, I do like Indie bands. I do admit that out of the top 25 most played songs on my ipod, 10 are indie bands. But what I fail to mention is I have a lot of mainstream songs in there as well. Except Taylor Swift, that Hilary Duff, The Simpson sisters, Paris Hilton. I mean, something along those veins. Yes, I am very much aware that I cannot carry a tune to save my life, much less have delusions of grandeur to an unrealized fantasy of being a rock star dead at 30 from too much cocaine and alcohol and what I also assume, since Im somewhat famous now, Sexually Transmitted Diseases. I however, am able to live with that fact. Are they? And just to prove that I'm not misogynistic, fuck Justin Bieber. I told you people named Justin are evil... Anyway, off tangentially fun as that was, yeah, I like good music. Indie or otherwise.

3) Much of my literature consists of fantasy and sci fi novels, along with a ton of mainstream comics, with the exception of Hellblazer. I do not have a single Charles Bukowski poem book nor do I have the unabridged version of the Satanic Verses. I admit I do have a Che Guevara biography but I hardly think reading a book about a revolutionary makes one a hipster, much less a revolutionary. Hell, the only revolution I would start is the advocacy of getting my dick some much needed vaginal contact.

4) I do not know how Pabsts Blue Ribbon tastes like. I like my beer commercial. Like Carlsberg and Tiger. And no, we do not have any local brands to support seeing as we live in Muslim state in all but name.

5) I don't know what hipster fashion is. Seriously. I don't. Does it entail a lot of mix and match, stockings, trench coats and shirts with ironic sayings on top of a fishnet vest? Granted, I do have a few t-shirts with funny sayings on it. But I thought they were funny, not ironic. Though I suppose with the mirthless and sardonic humour American television has taught us, its all one in the same isn't i?. As long as it gets a reaction. Right, William Shatner?

6) I have a blog. How anti hipster is that?

Therefore, to conclude, Ladies and Gentlemen, Im not a fucking hipster.

20 minutes in: Chesty Phlegmy cough is still present. I guess having that cigarette 2 minutes back wasn't the best of ideas.. And I've run out of ideas seeing as my head seems to be spinning a little bit and I seem to be breathing through my mouth a lot. Is that how the term came about? Mouth Breather? But I'm only doing it because my nose is blocked you pretentious potential sex offender. I hope you get splinters raping a table.

Speaking of which, what exactly is a coffee table book? Is it like a big bowl of candy for guests to help themselves too while waiting for you and the missus who have sneak off to have some quickie sex which will eventually led to conception of Matthaeus, the inhaler totting, horn rimmed glasses wearing, suspender wearing, mouth breathing, glandular problem son/daughter? Anyway yes... its a time waster to help make wasting other people's time easier on the conscience, if you have one. And I suppose it makes one look all "intellectual", you and your pictorial of Shih Tzus and Rustic Kitchen Designs 2011.

EDIT: this post was written on 29/1/2011 but is only being published on 7/9/2011.

EDIT 2: I don't hate Ms Teen Cristine anymore but I still maintain that getting back together with her woman beating boyfriend was a very unwise decision on her part, to say the least.

EDIT 3: I obviously didn't die from that viral infection you smartass.