Merdeka(?)

Independence day is like valentines day to me. Sentimental at best, utterly redundant at worst. You already know my feelings about Valentines day. My feelings on Independence day is simply an extension of that same feeling. Anyone with a intellect can tell that, things are not as rosey as they seem in Malaysia. There is unequal enforcement of the law, the judiciary is a joke and corruption is seen as the norm rather the exception. These problems pale in comparison with the underlying and ubiquitous racism that is becoming more apparent everyday. You cannot pick up a newspaper daily without getting angry at the perceived and/or real racial tensions. Even in the weeks leading up to Merdeka, we have principals telling us that if you're not Malay, you're just a passenger. You have no right or say in how things are run. That if we don't like it here we should just go back to China or India or wherever it is our ethnicity determines we're from. We have vandals firebombing places of worship. We have "groups" telling us not to question something that we inherently find wrong "or else". The dream of nationhood envisioned by those who gave us our freedom have been sullied and soiled by those who stalk the corridors of power today. I love my country with all my heart. But, using a football metaphor, I hate the way things are being run by those in power. Nonetheless and in spite of that, I love my country. I'm Malaysian. Im not Chinese, I'm not a foreigner, I'm not just here to make money and run away. I'm Malaysian. And I'm here to stay.


What also grinds my gears is the fact that only today are people speaking up about solidarity and unity. Why today only? If we are to achieve our vaunted 1Malaysia vision, shouldn't it be a daily mantra? Recited and unequivocally shouted from the rooftops everyday in the face of an ever growing and boisterous minority who feel otherwise? This is going back again to my Valentines day argument. Do not affix cosmic/nationalistic significance to a single day if the cause is one that you truly believe in. Yes, remember our heritage, our history, our coming into being, but do not abuse that privilege by simply making nationalistic statements only today.

Intraweb Blues

Internet. It's the greatest thing since individually wrapped slices of cheese. It seems also that it's the greatest social ill facing Malaysian youths today, if you would believe the headlines. From sex to games, blame the internet. Kid skipping class for DoTa? Internet. Teen getting horny because he's never seen pussy before? Internet. Youth resorting to violence because the game he plays has graphic violence? Internet. You know what grinds my gears though? The apparent helplessness that parents seem to feel regarding their child's "addiction". YOU ARE THE PARENT. Take charge. Take some fucking responsibility. Beat your kid. Do not buy into the bullshit that Oprah shuffles onto your plate that you can't discipline your kid. Think. Why didn't the youth of yesteryear have this problem? Saying that there was no internet is total bullshit. There will and always be some form of distraction and "social ill" regardless of the times. It's because parents then had the grapefruits to take control of the situation. Kids these days have it too fucking easy. This fucking Western concept of "freedom" and rebellion and all that melodramatic hormone induce teenage bullshit is just an excuse to fuck up. Until you're 18, your ass belongs to your parents. Don't like it? Move the fuck out and be a man. What? Can't pay the rent on your "loft" appartment? Get a job. Can't get a job because you have no education? Get into crime. Got arrested and now sharing bunkbeds, among other things, with a rather large man named Trudy in prison? Yeah, have fun with your "freedom".

Look, everyone likes to visit the cyber cafe once in a while. Hell, i rather be playing a game than getting intoxicated on alcohol or drugs or getting the clap from some 50rm hooker and/or slut. But to say that it's the main cause of all this social evils is just being myopic. Parent's; you need to get your shit together and take charge of your charge. Kids; get your fucking priorities straight. It's just a fucking game.

short

not the size of one of my more important appendages, but the length of each paragraph

You don't find love. You settle, and then delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

In the movies it's always the good guys who get the girl. In real life, it's mostly the prick. And the girl's probably a real bitch, but your raging hormones would tell you otherwise

Sometimes you feel like you're an extra in the movie adaptation of the sequel to your life.

Anyone can write. It's just that the famous ones look better in real life.

You say personality, I say peer pressure that dictates acceptable social interaction. And/or consumption of alcohol

I don't write futurist percussive poetry. Yes its a real form of poetry. Thank you intraweb and Michael Cera for bringing that to our attention.

I wonder if there's Indie Hindi music.

Im not into indie music. More of the we were indie but now that people actually think we play good music therefore we are mainstream kinda music. Ok fine, Pavement's still indie. But then again so is everything else that has a "cult following".

Defenestrate. Such a calm sounding word juxtaposed to what it actually means.

Degree= unless you're actually employed in a job related to it, is as useful as a vhs tape in this day and age.

Im not actually smart or well read. I just speak really well at times. When I don't mumble.

Blind loyalty to Lord Kevin Smith could not mask the fact that Cop Out wasnt really that good. But his Lordship is redeemed by the fact that he didn't write the script.

My go to line when Chinese taxi drivers start preaching about the purity of race and language; Im a scientologist.

Ada kalanya, orang kata, "Ju-lian, kamu ni gemuk sial. Pergi la bersenaman. Jadi kurus sikit." Tetapi, pada masa yang sama, "Oi gemuk, mesti habiskan semua makanan ok? Jangan membazir makanan. Oh...kamu kenyang? Tak apalah..makan saja. Jangan membazir makanan" Bongok macam babi haram saja..

"It's not you, it's me. It's not your fault I find you horrendously boring and ugly to boot."

Progressively boring shorts = end of blog entry # 149.

Slipknot/Paul Gray

I guess it's no surprise why I've liked this band since 1999, re various emo posts throughout the years. I'm not afraid to admit. I was an angry teenager, now grown into an angry man child. Slipknot was always there as an outlet I guess. The primordial screams, the relentless barrage of drums and percussion and the mournful and at the same time angry banshee like wails of the guitar, it was the soundtrack to a, upon reflection, teenage era that was wasted on anger and sadness, sometimes untowardly excessive and self inflicting. For a band of 9 to be able to illicit such a strong emotional response in me, it's got to be fucking special. True, the feelings they evoke are usually negative but, like all music, it always helps you get through when someone sings(in this case scream sings, with excessive profanity over a wall of sometimes pure noise) about your problems. About your feelings. There is, for the 3-5 minutes, a brief connection with the music and its maker, and it is that connection from what we perceive with our senses, that makes it easier to get through the shit in life. That is why I still wear my slipknot t-shirts(other than the fact that they're surprisingly really comfortable).

It was with a great and sudden sadness that I received the news of Paul Gray/#2's death on the 24th of May. You would think that, in a band with 9 members, it would be hard to feel sad for the bassist. That's what makes them special. 9. Everyone had a role and they made music that appealed, and still appeals, to me. The death of Paul Gray felt like a distant friend who I quite liked had died. It shocked me, not to the core, but I could feel a small part of me die with the realization that the band that unknowingly helped me in my younger days had lost a vital member, almost like a brother. It matters not how he died. The fact is he is gone, and 9 became 8, and that saddens me. Like I said, this band is special to me.

Rest In Peace, Paul Dedrick Gray / #2. Thank you for the music.







yes you can click it. It's not that "noisy".

Dad

I remember when I was back in school I used to hate Moral Studies. Other than the obvious reasons of redundancy, I hated Moral Studies especially when they talked about family. Oh how nice, mummy and daddy live together in the same mansion as you. Daddy is an accountant and mummy's a house wife. You went to Melbourne, Australia for your holiday with both your parents and you had a blast and were so thankful for mummy and daddy being able to take you for a holiday. One big fucking happy family. When it came to my turn that was the lie I used. Yes, everything was A-OK at the Teh residence. We all lived together as one big fucking happy family.

I remember the night my dad said he wasn't coming home. We had dinner on a Friday as usual. Just me, sis and him. Mum never went for certain reasons. This particular evening, after dinner, dad didn't drive in. He stopped in front of the house and said "I won't be coming back" or something to that effect. I didn't understand it then. Mum was crying. It was to be revealed later that dad went to live with his other family.

I remember, after kong kong died, the woman asked me why I didn't introduce her to my mom's side of the family come to pay their respects. I tried to be civil for his sake and dodged the question. She persisted. She said "Why, you're scared your mom would be angry at you if you introduced me to your uncle and aunty? Come on la, your parent's are already divorced." It was a good thing I was sitting in the back and it was dark. You couldn't have seen the sheer hatred on my face and the fists clenched so tight it dug into my palm. You didn't say anything. Nothing. And all I could think of was, THIS is what you left us for?

I remember the panic and the fear I experienced when I brought my blood vomiting dog to the vet. I remember the reckless abandonment I drove with when dad called to tell me the situation. He was so weak and he was hardly the dog I knew he was. He was in so much pain and I could do fuckall to help him. By the Grace of God he survived. He was weak but glad to leave the vet. And after everything, what did the woman have to say despite her complete lack of participation in helping my sick dog? "How much was the bill?". It was almost a thousand ringgit. To which she responded, "Wah! Hmmph.. And you wanted a dog somemore la". The fists tightened again, but the face remained neutral. For your sake. Because despite your lack of imparting life lessons to me due to your absence, I was brought up with more tact. And you didn't say a thing. Not in front of her anyway.

I remember on New Year's eve, I thought you would have been happy to know that I manged to save up about 4000 rm from my salary. It was addressed to you, not her. Of course as usual she just had to knock down the legacy that is me, your fucking son. "4000rm only? Huh, you should have saved more. You can use the card to buy groceries and petrol. Your house is all paid up for and so is your car." I didn't ask for her fucking opinion on something that has nothing to do with her. And yet again, you said nothing. Not in front of her again anyway.

I remember, one of the few life lessons that you tried to impart on me. "Be brave in the face of adversity". I try. I really try. I try to be everything that you want me to be despite the mounting adversities. I try to be a good son inspite of everything. I love you despite everything you've done to this family.

Have I failed you yet again?

Results of Unemployment #3

Being the sort who's unemployed( but not from lack of trying, much) allows one to read a large number of books and movies/shows. Said activities do not in fact bring much in terms of self improvement by learning new skills unless it's a survival/field guide by Bear Grylls (and comes packaged with flash frozen elephant poo and DVD entitled "Wolf shit and other delectable survivor food). Sadly the only pseudo useful book that I have read is Max Brook's Zombie Survival Guide for, you know, defending against the zombie threat. Yeah, you're all laughing now, but we'll see who's laughing when your zombie girlfriend takes oral sex to a whole other painful and decidedly deadly level. But seriously, for a humour book it's pretty well written. So well written that your suspension of disbelief will have you subconsciously going "Head shot kills zombies" and then go "boom, head shot" with your imaginary pistol when you see your nemesis on the street. Do people still use that word anymore in a non fantasy/sci fi context? I know enemy is a fine word, but nemesis just gives it so much more epicness. And I hate the fact that douchbaggy people have annexed the word epic as an adverb/adjective to their douchbaggery. Bastards. I hate you worse than a Scottish man who missed his flight because of Eyjafjallajökull's volcanic ash hates Iceland. Heh...Eyjafjallajökull. It's as fun to write as it is to pronounce.

Going with the theme of the week, God bless American tv. I mean no offense to Spana Jaya or Akademi Fantasia, but we're literally starving for good tv over here. If you look at local tv schedules 60%-75% of the programming's American and/or British. And then you have your Hong Kong drama's which are, surprise surprise, from Hong Kong. Let's just say, since the death of P Ramlee, we havent had anything worth watching on tv that isn't the news and even that's, well, you know. coughpropogandacough. And you're surprised at why Astro is so successful and therefore a monopolizing force in an industry that has no competition to speak off? With the advent of P2P file sharing and the freedom of internet usage(take that China) we(those who are tech savvy enough anyway) are able to indulge in our inner Americana. Currently watching;

Lost *last season. I bet we still won't get it ;

Cougar Town *yes, the name is implies exactly what you think it means, a town infested with mutant mountain cougars who want to take over the state of North Dakota

The Pacific * Band of Brothers in the Pacific. Replace snowy woods and European towns and Germans with islands, rain and Japs. And no, you still won't know who's who once they put their helmets on

Breaking Bad *Meth, meth and more meth. Also some cancer. Set in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Mexicans welcomed, unlike Arizona

Big Bang Theory * sometimes at night, I think Im Sheldon Cooper and say Bazinga repeatedly while wearing my Green Lantern t shirt

You Have been Watching * Charlie Brooker. Enough said

Animated series (it's not CARTOONS) Ugly Americans, The Simpsons, The Boondocks and Seth Macfarlane's evil triumvirate.

Deadliest Warrior. *it is literally the silliest thing on tv now, besides manswers and wipeout. But like all silly shows it has it appeal set in its silliness. Besides, its fun to see machismo at it's best when combined with ballistic gel, blood pack stuffed dummies, and various pig and beef carcasses all for the benefit of seeing who is the most badass. Kinda like high school really.

The Ultimate Fighter * in its 11th season. If you don't know what it is by now you're of the same intellectual and awareness levels as some of our local politicians. Or you just don't like violence. Now run along and go play with your Lil Buddy's First Kitchen Set from Fisher Price. Gordon Ramsay approved.

Spartacus is everything it's hyped to be. Blood, sand and boobs and delectable dialogue such as "Once again the Gods have seen fit to spread cheeks and insert cock", "Jupiter's cock!" and the brilliant back and forth "I'll fuck your corpse" "With what cock?". Rest assured they're not talking about male chickens.

In addition, am eagerly awaiting the season premiers of Californication, Entourage, Futurama, and Sons of Anarchy. I might be missing something here but meh, I'll find out sooner or later.

And, seeing as I have so much free time on hand, I've counted 20 dead singers/band members/artists in my itunes.

Yeap, that's what my life is like now, books, movies and waiting for replies from the 9 or so companies which have my resume but are no doubt playing office basketball with it. Am willing to do odd jobs ranging from security guard/non costumed vigilante to guy who tells you that you look good in EVERYTHING you wear even if it's painfully obvious you look like dried vomit mixed with a little bit of medical waste. Am also sarcastic and cynical enough to fill in for Simon Cowell esque judging duties.

Results of Unemployment #2

so I came across this last night




Firstly, bravo 13Mordeth. I have a mad non homosexual man crush on him now. Watch his video, he's funny. I also seem to have a sudden affinity with Canadians.

Secondly, while highly commendable, it brings one(i.e. me) to think about the current state of affairs in Malaysia. A cop wouldn't even bother responding to a call regarding dog abuse. "Aiyah, hanya anjing kan? Tak perlu bikin buat report" is how the imaginary though highly probable conversation with our fine men and women of the PDRM would sound like if the actual situation were to happen here, before said servant to the rakyat would promptly share a cigarette with hypothetical dog abuser and tell funny "How many minorities would it take to....." jokes. Neither would there be a fine young upstanding citizen and dog lover to assist another because, a) it's Malaysia and we're a generally apathetic society and b) it's Malaysia. Which is to say, animal abuse in this country is rampant and ambivalent and nothing is being done to address this issue, despite the numerous efforts of Sabrina Yeap and the SPACA and PAWS and the too few genuine dog lovers in Malaysia. Re Rocky, DBKL pound's inhumane methods of pet control, Pulau Ketam, and the many many many other reported and unreported cases of animal abuse. I hope karmic forces transplant you lot into a family guy episode entitled road to the multiverse alternate reality where dogs and humans have a role reversal and they can all dump you on an island and you can all play Survivor human pets sans the off screen buffets and Jeff Probst initiated challenges and the all too real possibility that you might die or resort to cannibalism which, truthfully, would boost ratings. With the snuff aficionado audience range anyway.

Now's the part where I encourage you all to support your local animal welfare centres and NGOs, but then again you're all Malaysian, and an Indian working in Dubai searching for "Indian sex fuck" on google, and one Polish guy who searched for "Kesha's tik tok lyrics+interpretation", Im not going to waste my time. You know the links and the proper channels, you don't need my self righteous ass to tell you what to do.

Oh and yes, I do love trolling around the internet starting random conversations with random strangers on comment sections and chatboxes (Hi Kenny Sia!) with topics ranging from trailer park trash cuisine to hand towel rack proximity and location in one's bathroom.

Home or something like it

reedited to be more emo than originally intended. you have been forewarned.

Unless you have the perception and observation skills of a zombie who's brain has rotted due to exposure to the elements, yes Im back in Malaysia. I won't say that I'm glad to be back. I mean yeah, I'm on familiar grounds again, with familiar faces and a familiar routine. And I'm beginning to hate it. I hate the weather, the not quite adequate internet speed and a very very limited cable/satellite tv channel selection that really doesn't have to give a damn about paying customers and are free to charge whatever they want because of a lack of competition, i.e. a fucking monopoly. I also hate the fact that I'm not adjusting to well to the hermit, independent lifestyle which I had before I left. The whole bills and general household upkeep bullshit which I was free of for a blissful 1 1/2 months. But, life goes on I suppose. It has to.


Yeah, I think it's safe to admit it now. I miss my mom. A lot. I actually cried when I heard her voice on the phone, despite telling myself before that I wouldn't. I don't know why. I guess, after not seeing her for a couple of years, spending all that time with her, I felt that maternal connection that I missed all those years just come back again. I was just so used to doing without, it's just a shock to the system, and now that it's gone again, I feel nothing but a big empty void. And that brings me to tears. Shit, even as I type I can feel that lump in my throat and the welling up of tears. I just really miss my mom... I miss the lost years of coming home to see my mom cooking mee siam because she knows its my favourite. I miss the fact that she used to send and pick me up from school and always told me she loved me no matter how much of a bastard brat I was being that given day. I miss her ability to inadvertently or not, make me laugh, sometimes at her, or with her, but regardless she made me laugh. I missed how she used to, and still does, move heaven and earth to make me happy, whether as a snot nosed kid or today as a emotionally fragile manchild. I miss her reassurances that everything's going to be ok and that how everything she has ever done, fucked up divorce and a cheating husband, inevitable difficulties and uncertainties at moving and settling in a new country and all, everything was and always will be done in the best interest of her children. I hate how much of a bastard I can be to her because I just can't deal with my emotions and take it out on her. And she still loves me inspite and despite all the bullshit I've done that would have made mothers made of lesser steel lift their arms up to the heavens and curse them for such an ungrateful child. I know it's a little early now, a week actually, but I just wanted to wish you Happy Mother's day mom. I miss you and love you.

In connection to that, I've tried to hide these feelings, show that I'm a big man, that I'm not the emotional train wreck that I so clearly am. And I fear civil and ofttimes heart warming gestures with an old and dear acquaintance have been irrevocably damaged again, and it may be that the path to redemption or something like it has been lost forever, despite bridges that had been so lovingly restored, only to be crushed in the violent and capricious tempest that is my character flaw in being, as she termed it, sticky to the point annoyance. It was, in the end a facade behind a facade. I countered, jousted and brought that mistakenly assumed intelligent mind to fore in the fare thee well speech, in an effort to seem less sticky, annoying and above all clingy, to show that I've changed, that I'm not the man she knew all through all those 10 years. I was trying so hard that I inevitably became everything that I dreaded to become. I was needier than ever. I hid the underlying cause of simply wanting a shoulder to cry on, as I've done on countless occasions for her, though she seems to forget this, or rather, thinks my flaws far outweigh those occasions of tenderness and support. Plain fact of the matter is, I was wrong. My defenses crumbled, my own motto Veritas Nunquam Perit and Quarae Verum were lost in a speech that was impassioned for all the wrong reasons. Yes, I deserved to get slapped with my own words. It seems the adage "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" rang and rung in a crushing crescendo in a domino effect that is my loosing control of my emotions and the shit hitting the fan. I don't know what happens now. I don't even know myself.

Rest assured I've cried more times than I can remember just writing this damn post.

All is dust..

Americana #7

Well, this is the last post from America. Oddly I don't feel all that sad about leaving. Oh sure, I'll miss good ol' American tv and internet. I'll miss the food which, sadly, has contributed to a less than massive more than slight weight gain in the past month and a half. I'll miss the mostly friendly Americans and how easy it is to talk to them. I'll miss the weather. Any weather that makes one wear a coat a majority of the time one is outdoors is a positive in my climate book. And last but certainly not least, I'll miss my mom.

This trip, sad to say, has lost it's edge slightly over the last trip. For one I didn't travel as much, besides Pala Casino. I was sadly unable to fill my bag with MMA apparel as I initially planned to, but well, no big deal. Same thing with the books and my mostly biased opinion that with the exception of Kinokuniya, Malaysia has shit bookstores still stands. We're just not a culture who're into books that much. I have a somewhat excited yet uncertain and perdition filled feelings about my future employment once I arrive home but I'm not that worried. I'm not unemployable. I'm just picky. For my sake or others, that is yet to have been decided.

American tv has rotted my brain. I can hardly think of a more interesting way to end this Americana series from Ju-Rants and yet all im concerned about is The Pacific episode 7's download progress. And in a way, I guess that what this whole trip was about. Living the American dream of having the ability to laze in the decadence that is the advancement of the American culture, lifestyle and technology and it's impact on the rest of us. I have enjoyed, savored and reveled in the Bacchusian like sedentary that is Americana and yet, I have had my fill of locusts. That's what this trip has taught me; I can have all this if I work hard and bring in the cheddar( slang for money. See also, moolah, bread, greens, dough, lolly,dosh, spondullas, dead presidents and clams)

So in the end, my epiphany was the very same one that inspired the first settlers in America and made it the nation that it is today. The pursuit of happiness. Ok well technically it was in the Declaration of Independence but I would like to think that the settlers felt the same way as well. Damn you History Channel...

Americana #6

Ipad. Seen it, fondled it, used the free apps and made that mexican man wait for the longest time for me to be done with my free demo unit. There are other demo units as well Jose..

Briefly stepped into Hooters for potential gift buying, only to find that it had the same effect on me as it did 2 years ago wherein my field of vision tends to go about 30-45 degrees lower and my words tend to come out garbled when the staff there interact with me. I can't for the life of me imagine why...

Had a white lady and her little chihuahua come up to me while I was smoking outside the house and say "It's good of you smoke outside the house". I could not tell if she was being sarcastic or not. Her little dog smelled my Malaysian feet and wagged her non existent tail. I guess we know where residual sambal goes...

"How ya doing" is the American equivalent of the English "You'realright?"(Its not a typo. Thats how you pronounce it, as one word). No reply is expected or acceptable other than "Good" or "How ya doing" back. They do not want to hear your life story when you reply "I'm not good because.....".

Was mistaken for a Vietnamese outside Vietnamese restaurant. Be amazed at my non American accented but nonetheless fluent English....

Comparative to most Caucasian males over age 30, I look like a fitness instructor. Against contemporary youths and other Asians, not so much. Cover story, if ever asked, is that I'm an ex sumo champion from Malaysia that had to retire due to injury *cue fake limping. Marvel at my little than above average height and build little Asians of pure Asian and not mixed blood heritage...

Reluctantly hung out with mom listening to popular American music played by live band at a mall outdoors in somewhat cold weather while watching baseball game through Iphone. Saw old lady reenact her Woodstock flower power glory days moves. Funky.... Saw a somewhat slow to react boy in glasses attempting to dance to said music but only managed to shake toy in hand in what I must imagine he must be imagining is a tambourine. Eavesdropped and found out he was special. Not judgmental...

Have been semi forced to watch dancing with the stars. It bores me. I hope Kate Goslin goes out next. Go back to being an octo mom...

Should be reviewer for American tv shows with Malaysian perspective. However, would be encouraging more pirated downloads of said tv shows since censorship board in Malaysia has ass that's tighter than a seahorse's. Will consider further...

Mom pronounces Penelope as the way one would pronounce antelope. Please laugh after saying that out loud or in your head...

Writing in both first and third person. Don't know why...

No links, no pictures,no songs. End...

Post script; interestingly " ... " denotes that the speaker has let his voice trail off, as though he were leaving something unsaid. or a long pause. or an interruption. and no, "..." = not a face.