rant (insert number here)

i think this post here is going to ruin that preachy christmas feeling of the earlier post...but hey...i'll be a better behaved next year... so fuck it

you know recently the newspaper did a poll on what most Malaysians find annoying. On top of the list were reckless drivers. Yeah..dont i know it. Others include people who talk loudly on the phone, people who curse(well..to this i must comment...fuck you asshole...you dont have the right to censor my Julianic outbursts) people who talk loudly on the phone and other assorted uniquely Malaysian annoyances. However, they failed to mention noisy ass neighbours with their noisy ass kids and nanny who had a voice which could scare a banshee away and their fucking renovations which begins at 9 am in the fucking morning with their fucking incessant drilling and hammering. For fuck's sake... if your mom cant fucking walk up the fucking stairs then why the fuck did u buy an upper fucking unit(town house)? boo fucking hoo for arthritis and old age(i love you grandma and grandpa....but im a young motherfucking bastard so please excuse me this once). why the fuck did you have to then fucking renovate the fucking ground floor which is adjacent to my fucking living room and thereby disturbing my porno viewing and music musing sessions? Fuck neighbourly courtesy...i specifically did not remember approving(my dad's approval anyway) your fucking renovation(legal complexities involved with town houses) and i could fucking sue you for private fucking nuisance. But being the typical malaysian neighbour...i couldnt have given a fuck and my faith and confidence in the judicial system is found lacking. And so i digress..

Anyway.. fuck you house number 28-1. you're a fucking menace and i would just this one time violate my principal of not hitting ppl with glasses...if it did not violate my principale of Gandhism and non violence (plus im pretty sure it constitutes to assult and battery and resulting jail time and thus the daily survival of not dropping the soap). All i can do is fucking be immature and play loud satanic sounding with loud undechipherable grunting/screaming/growling music in counter offensive to your not so heavenly power drilling and hammering. Yes i know...fucking childish but you really want to know what is really childish?...get ready for it...

Fuck You. Stick that down your "ohh..ppl who curse are just so annoying" throat. suck my annoying dick and choke on it lar. (yes...i realize i have a fixation with my enemies/ppl i generally dislike sucking my penis.)

well.. i did warn you..

Christmas spirit

Even though its the birthday of the man who died for our sins u still see it going on everyday. Rapists, murderers, snatch thieves, war criminals.... there are all still around even though Jesus got nailed to the cross. He died to save us. And how the fuck do we repay him? hey...lets rob/rape/ kill someone. And dont give me that im a church goer holier than thou shit. Where the fuck were you on Saturday night? Partying the fuck away and probably fucking around. Then u come to the house of God and say.. oh God i've been such a good person...please bless me with more wealth and more ppl to fuck around with. You only go to Him when you need something and not for something like hey..that guy has no legs..please help him God or that woman is a divorcee with two kids...bless her and protect her God. You only go to church because you were forced to or because there's a hot chick there u wanna fuck. Church group? Dont give me that bullshit... its just another peer preassure group. Its cool to go around pretending that you're religious nowadays, while at the same time being the village bicycle or fucking bastard... fashionable to wear a crucifix. I dont know about Islam or Buddhism or other religions but this is what i've been seeing ever since i've been going to church. So hence i dont go to church anymore. For the past 6 years. Yeah...im generalising about most of you and im sure there are some genuinely good ppl among my readers...well some of them anyway. You dont need to go to any "House" of God to speak to him or show your devotion to him. He's in your heart. He's that voice in your head called conscience(of course if you're a psycho then this dosent apply to you). Evil is where you have the chance to do the said evil act and you do it. And i know most of us, present company included..have chosen that path before. But hey.. God loves us. I dont know why coz we're all such despicable beings...but hey..thats God. Merry Christmas.

this is weird...im not usually so..erm... condescendingly preachy about religion but then again its Christmas(belatedly anyway) so yeah...fits in right with the theme

reviews/cutting beneath the surface

Kevin Smith is a god. Fucking amazing.
In my opinion, the Jersey trilogy is the greatest series ever made.
Love it to bits. Check it out to stimulate your intellectual capacity. well, if you're lacking in that,
Lose some win some.

Yours truly here is an insomniac. I dont know why. I cant sleep much theses days. its a mystery
Over the past 48 hours i've oly had like 8 hours of sleep. been operational for like 40 hours.
U did expect that after a hectic week of university applications and assignments, i did be out.
Rigor mortis might help. maybe i should take the dog out for more walks huh? laterz maybe...
Self betterment is the key to happiness, a wise man told me once...still a wise man he is.
Ever wondered why ppl blog about total nothingness just for kicks? yeah...me too
Lied is a good up and coming local group. Check em out. Awesome.
Fuck this shit lar...im tired

can i be any more subtle in the message that im trying to convey? Fuck...

get a fucking clue. look at all the capital letters on the left. dont follow it..jesus..no...

ode to a Hero/ much ado about nothing

i dont know how you do it. it all seems so....convenient for you to hold back the flood. Compared to your floodgate, mine's just a plank. I guess things are more advantageous for you. Yeah i know how it feels. If i was in your position i wouldnt have done the same. I did sacrifice. fresh loaf of bread for a stale one. Oh, Hero, thou art a hero to all and all to me. The very existence of the situation stings like arrows to the heart. yet we must persevere to maintain this delicate facade of insecurity for selfish needs. To admit defeat and helplessness, i am not ashamed and sleep better at night knowing i do not hide.You have no shame. but thou art a Hero to us all, all and none to me. Periods of adjustment seem to bear no significance to you. I have gone through the wash cycle of adjustments and hell.. and yet im am thou faithful villain. Forever i must remain hidden in the dark, your deadly garrote of reality which could sever your honky dory happy life. yet i chose not to for i am eternally in your siren's spell. Thou art a selfish Hero to all and to yourself. And i shall forever remain your most faithful villian.

yeah....got a little Shakespearean.

update.or for want of a better title

yeah...as u can tell genius this is the first post in quite a while. sorry.. have a life. been fucking insanely anal raping-ly extremely buzy with classes and.. inner conflicts for want of a better term to describe it. so... my sis just left for Cali ..er...right now (time being 1530) and left me to be master and lord of the house. well..me and hermes anyway. i would say that's great and all...the freedom and coping with independence...but you know.. humans are social creatures and coming home everyday to an empty house with hermes isisnt really that great of a feeling. dont get me wrong...i love hermes to bits...but i dont think i shall discusssing the Illiad with him anytime soon. come to think of it..i never did have an intellectual conversation with my sis either...oh well..will miss the feeling of being superiorly intellectual over her... nah..just kidding...will miss u sis...have fun in Cali with mum...and dont forget my fucking 311 t- shirt damnit!!

right...holidays now..fuck the ass raping-ly hard ass-ignments. over and done with for the entire course. have no plans currently except to ensure that hermes is kept alive and the house is still standing in 3 weeks time. Christmas...well.. got somethings planned...invited to various parties. Not that Christmas really meant anything to me anyway... i never believed in Santa and i never got what i wanted and Christmas love in Malaysia is almost non-existant. There is no "special brotherly love" here..on the day Jesus was born to save mankind. So heck...Christmas is just another day to me. Not like ppl here believe in mistletoes anyway. But i did be fucking cool if they did.

in regards to my inner conflicts. no prizes for guessing what its about. dont really want to talk about it either. it'll just make me feel worse. no..i did not kill anybody nor am i thinking of committing suicide. and im definately not gay. someone please shoot me in the head five times and decapitate me if i ever was. yes...im still homophobic in the most hypocritical manner. u know what the hypocritical part is all about.

if my classmates ever find out about this blog....yes i will admit it...i dont very much like most of you in class because you're all either to cliqued or too fucking nerdy that its bordering on lan si- ism. Give me that condescending look again and i'll take that fucking text book and beat you senseless with it and then ram it down your fucking holier than thou throat. Just because you do better than me in class does not give you the right to look down on me. And yes... i have a huge fucking crush on gyn and would not mind doing her in 20 different positions along with swee ling. fucking happy now? now lets all just move on with our lives after that rm1000 bid shall we?

the ASEAN summit was a total waste of time and national resources. we did not do shit even when russia and aussie and new zealand and china and japan came. all we fucking did was agree that we did not want u.s interference. whats fucking new lar... its like a fucking kopitiam meeting. Talking shop...as the americans so succintly put. Fuck ASEAN....never did any good nor will it ever.

i wish ppl would leave their names when they comment...so that i can either thank you for stopping by or inform you that stupidity causes cancer.

would fucking rant more now but im really tired after 36 hours of no sleep. i had a short 15 minute nap where i dreamt that hermes spoke to me... cant remember what he said though....heh

angst u laterz.

you think i dont feel?

u think im not crying over my "cowardly" decision? think it dosent hurt to say that i dont want to see the love of my life again? fuck. you all dont know how fucking much it hurts to type right now. i cant be "friends" with you my dear because i love you more than a friend. and i know that's never ever going to be requited because you're just too happy with your lesbian lifestyle right now to ever have room in your heart for me again. i cant fucking think to hard right now because its just to painful to think about it.. so i'll take a quote from chasing amy.

"I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of." *

thats the closest i can come to describing my sleeve worn heart when im with you.

*Replace names with yours.

Now you're all gonna fucking hate me. Go the fuck ahead. I said my peace.

Dosage

after a heavy dosage of fags and relaxants...i am temporarily out of angst and rage. As you could probably tell from the last 2 entries these were the two most surreal feelings(duh... even a spastic kid could tell...not to knock on spastic kids..they're special...in every way) Dont say i didnt freaking(better now u holier than thou condescending son of a bitch/bitch?) warn you about my rage/angst rants. very first entry. and the policy applies...if you dont like it fuck off..if u still like it then stay and observe the rantings of a potential asylum resident.

the source of this rage and angst...pretty fucking obvious. i guess when i said im not angry anymore i was lying to myself. im angry at myself actually. for being weak. for being so fucking stupid. for having hopeless hopes and expectations. sorry elynne...cant change the fucking way that i am and running away from this fucking country temporarily wont solve shit at all. the solution was simple enough...not easy...but simple enough. unfortunately the simplest thing isn't always the easiest thing to do at all. Im brave at many things... except for this and driving. you and other fucking malaysian road users scare the fucking hell out of me...you make me weak and vulnerable... and worst of all...i still love you...always have and always will...such a fucking cliched tv drama..unrequited love. except this isn't fucking tv and the "good guy" dosent finish last, or indeed at all. i cant fucking do it.. i cant be strong for you,myself, for our friendship. i dont want to see you again..not till i become strong again. fucking hypocrite.

no apologies except one

i will not and never will apologize for my last fucking rant. If u dont fucking like swearing you can suck my fucking dick...or failing that go be a fucking nun/alter boy. cowardly anonymous. if u got something to say then have the fucking balls/tits to leave a name. so fucking sorry that cursing offends you and that i dont fucking make any sense in MY fucking blog. like your fucking patronage is going to make a fucking difference to me.

i will not apologize for my actions yesterday. if i fucking feel like being a moody motherfucker then so fucking sorry to rain on your parade. i dont fucking complain when u fucking bang on the fucking table or fuck me off because your gf doesn't give you good head. the only apology i will make is snapping at you. you were at the wrong fucking place and wrong fucking time.

now that the non apologies are done.. happy belated birthday to tilia

happy birthday also to Michelle. and also to anyone else whose birthday it is today.

and condolences to the family of Dimebag Darrell on the first anniversary of his death. Rock will never be the same without you. Thank you very fucking much.

would like to upload a pic but its keeps saying error during upload...fucking blogspot. "Posting pictures on your blog is easy" my ass. here where u can see it. saves me the copyrighting problems http://www.europeanconfession.com/images/dimebag_darrell.jpg

please dont start another comment war.

lessons of J

1) cats are fucking fascinating. I dont know why my family hates them.

2) public toilets at 3 am are fucking scary

3) fuck is a good word. its multi purpose. its utility. it emphasizes. its good when u have nothing else better to say. something to encompass everything. it makes everything sound good. Something to do. For fuck's sake...use it more often.

4) too much teh tarik can force you to hawk like a cat with fucking chronic hairballs.

5) people are all special in their own fucking fucked up way.im sorry i was so judgemental of your fucking ways and view of life. your fucuking popped up collar and your fucking brown nosing you goddamned chink motherfucker.

6) chasing amy is a the fucking greatest movie ever created .

7) analysing/studying/observing/ repressing is all so fucking fucked up. The more you think the more u fucking fuck yourself up

8) if you cant fucking speak fucking english then get the fuck out of my fucking country.

9) holding on too fucking tightly can cause you fucking brain cell damage. Fuck

10) after all this time... you can still fucking make me cry.

mysteries of the world of J

there are several things that are a mystery. One of them is that i can never remember, no matter how hard i try, how the hell did i meet T. He and i are not of the kind where we would randomly start a conversation with a stranger(unless you're a hot chick who's not lesbian/has a bf/is engaged/a bicycle..picky picky) and thus here we are today.. chaos and mayhem. i think im mayhem...i think. My intellectual sparring partner(dont get any wrong ideas u sick homo), if i still drank i did toast in your honour. Sorry about earnest..was totally fucked by assignment.

Another mystery i dont get is how the hell did the English Patient win so many fucking awards? i totally did not get the movie and dozed of in the first hour. Another movie i dont get at all is American Beauty....so the dude's going through a mid life crisis, his wife's anal retentive and cheating on him, his daughter is dating a drug pusher who has a weird fixation with plastic bags swirling in the wind and he's proud of being not normal, and his dad is gay. err...ok

Mystery no. 3... the entire english legal system

Biggest mystery of all.... how the hell am i still friends with M i dont get it. feelings are still there but repressed but when i talk to her there's so much chemistry going on that a chemist would be proud of us. this and the fact that i am a lil homophobic but i dont mind talking to her at all. i rather enjoy our conversations actually. the possibility of a 4th attempt? not likely...pratically and emotionally. Well, u did tell me that friends, true ones, should always tell each other anything and stand by them..no matter what. Besides i live by my principle never to break up any relationship..even if they're homosexuals. (well..this would mostly apply to lesbians anyway...coz im seriously 110% straight as an arrow or other assorted straight things)

Mystery no. 5.. why is jap porn so..noisy to say the least? And the girls...its like as if every part of their body was an extention of their clit. Touch her hand and she'll cum. Touch her face and she'll cum. Ask if she did like a glass of water and she did cum as well.

Mystery no. 6.. why am i the only one in my family who is so unlike my family? i like cats and they dont. i like hindi music and they dont. im open to inter racial relationships and they dont(mention that you're going out with a non-chinese and they did act like you failed your 3rd year. Dear old dad's an exception to this). Plus i got more facial hair than my entire family combined, extended family included. The only logical explanation that can be concluded here is either i was switched at birth or my mom had an extra marital affair with a non chinese. Now before you start getting your anti racism panties up in a bunch, i am not a racist and condemn racism to its fullest extent. my family is another matter but i am not my family's keeper of conscience.

Mystery no.7... how did they make Poppycock so goddamned addictive?

Mystery no. 8.. the mental soundness and well-being of certain malaysian politicians.

Mystery no.9.. what is so attractive about spongebob squarepants? its a FUCKING SPONGE!

Mystery no. 10... why am i still blogging?