after a heavy dosage of fags and relaxants...i am temporarily out of angst and rage. As you could probably tell from the last 2 entries these were the two most surreal feelings(duh... even a spastic kid could tell...not to knock on spastic kids..they're special...in every way) Dont say i didnt freaking(better now u holier than thou condescending son of a bitch/bitch?) warn you about my rage/angst rants. very first entry. and the policy applies...if you dont like it fuck off..if u still like it then stay and observe the rantings of a potential asylum resident.
the source of this rage and angst...pretty fucking obvious. i guess when i said im not angry anymore i was lying to myself. im angry at myself actually. for being weak. for being so fucking stupid. for having hopeless hopes and expectations. sorry elynne...cant change the fucking way that i am and running away from this fucking country temporarily wont solve shit at all. the solution was simple enough...not easy...but simple enough. unfortunately the simplest thing isn't always the easiest thing to do at all. Im brave at many things... except for this and driving. you and other fucking malaysian road users scare the fucking hell out of me...you make me weak and vulnerable... and worst of all...i still love you...always have and always will...such a fucking cliched tv drama..unrequited love. except this isn't fucking tv and the "good guy" dosent finish last, or indeed at all. i cant fucking do it.. i cant be strong for you,myself, for our friendship. i dont want to see you again..not till i become strong again. fucking hypocrite.
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3 comments:
Who are you hanging out with these days at HELP? Is everyone still there? It seems like everyone's gone their separate ways..
about to anyway..
ouch! i m actually speechless esp after speaking to u on the fone just now.... anyway, all these emotional issues, only u yourself can overcome it. take good care of urself.
so, you've found the love of your life who incidentally is practicing lesbianism. i m not gonna put ur hopes high that she will one day she will turn straight and get married and have kids and all the crap. but i still think ifer do have a point (about hanging on there and just be friends). too bad u cant be friends with small cow, i do hope u will still be...but alas! u've made ur decision... seeing u going all out bashing urself up over unrequited love and decided to do a cowardy stunt like staying away from her, makes me sad. i know, i know, we've only known each other for damn short period of time, but i still think you deserve to be happy (everyone does!) yea.. maybe u are still young and maybe you still need to experience more in life to be able to handle such situation... whatever it is, big cow is still sad to see such ending... sigh.. i dunno... i think i m seriously babbling... make sense or not. i dunno... :-D
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