So in times of alcohol consumption, I find myself in contemplation. Needless to say, the past year was just absolutely shit. But like my past relationships I just have to keep moving on. I mean fuck, what the hell good does it do me to watch the world go by as I stand still and brood about what ifs and could haves? That's the epiphany I had in the emo park in TTDI. Just keep fucking moving on. I don't know what lies ahead of me in life. I could walk across the street and bam, right into a bus sans the cartoon effect. I could wake up tomorrow and find out I have cancer and life live like everyday's my last day. I could find the woman of my dreams or I could find an awesome fuck buddy and fuck her while shouting "IM THE KING OF FUCK MOUNTAIN!"on a daily basis. Come to think of it, the future is one big could be as well. Bottom line is, I don't know what's going to fucking happen, but I do know that I'm going to live my life day by day and face whatever shit God decides to put in my path with a wry, tired smile and a carton of cigarettes.
This next paragraph is an ode to the girl I never knew but wish I had. She's the kind of girl where, whether you take her out for a gala level dinner or just having a roti telur bawang at the mamak, you feel so special just being with her and so grateful that she's with you that if you were the religious type you did be in church everyday kneeling before the big imaginary friend called God and weeping your thanks and gratitude for being blessed with the most special person in the world. She makes you feel great even when you feel like slitting your wrist. She anchors you in the great tempest of doubt and uncertainty and helps you find your way. She doesn't have to say anything at all but you feel like you've just had the greatest conversation in the world with her. She can say something mundane about the weather and you did pay rapt attention to the way her lips move, the way the light catches her. You can sit for hours just looking at her and feel like you've seen the greatest art piece in the world. You would construct the greatest monuments rivaling the seven wonders of the world in her honour and write poetry that would make even John Keats feel like he's inadequate, a mere footnote in the literary world. Even a second away from her feels like an eternity. You want her to meet your parents and not worry if they'll like her or not. You want her to be the mother of your children and you want to grow old with her but still feel like a kid when she holds your hand when you're both old and gray and sitting on the porch watching the world go by. You wouldn't even care, because to you, she is your world. The girl does exist, but she is not mine. To the guy that got her, I just want to hate you so bad but I can't because you're just too fucking nice. Take care of this century's Helen you lucky bastard. Godspeed your love and her happiness.
Even with that heart wrenching realization, we must keep moving on. To tarry even one second would spell doom and gloom and near endless nights of weeping and melancholy. There is a difference between indifference and moving on. Indifference infers that we blind ourselves to the fact that a wrong has been done but nothing will be done to address it while it slowly festers. Indifference gives a silent consent to being fucked over. Indifference means allowing wrong to triumph over right. Indifference means you stopped caring about the world and would rather stew in your denial than face your problems. Moving on however....
Closing quote : "Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear"
Yeah. I wrote all that and I'm drunk.