#64

i cant believe im back here again. wondering where i've been? living. thats what i've been doing, or at least attempting to be doing at this current state of mind. i simply just do have anything to bitch and moan and gripe about and hence nothing to rant about. that is, until now. That is the main problem i think. having nothing. nothing to be passionate about. nothing... exciting... for want of a better word. oh yeah sure, im still single and desperately available, im still studying, which is to say doing the CLP( the Malaysian Bar examination for those of you unaware or too ignorant to know what it is), the government is still shit and thus was so proven on November 10th 2007 recently (syabas BERSIH) and i still do not like lesbians. Ok, maybe that needs a bit of rephrasing. I dont mind lesbians as people but I do not like the idea of lesbianism and i fucking hate watching lesbian porn now(yes, neurosis due to past trauma is still there but im glad to say less severe, i hope) . That is to say, nothing has fucking changed for me. Im, quite simply put, in a fucking rut. Sure, sure, no one to blame but myself you say. I mean, i try to fucking socialize, try to go out more often, do something different, like you know, badminton or jogging or getting politically active and involved and all that different "stimulating" stuff. Then why the fuck do i still come back everyday to this fucking empty shell that is my life feeling depressed and useless and a smidge of lonliness? i have friends, i have contact with the outside world, i try to think im alright, content. Then why the fucking rut? Shit, with the fucking CLP i dont have the fucking time to get depressed and yet here we are my dears. fucking all washed up without having been worn in the first place. Why? The question echoes in a lonly dark cave without any reply or witty remark that my semi schizophrenic brain might conjure. Has even that come into a fucking rut? Its one thing to be depressed for a reason, rational or irrational, but its fucking frustrating not know what is the source of the depression. I try to put up a brave front, hey everythings alright, im just happy to be here, of course i'll fucking be polite to you even though i think you're the scum of my world. Sometimes the effort to be someone else is just too much to bear and i just want to lash out for no fucking reason at all at anything, or worse, anybody. I dont want to be the actor. i just want to be me but i fear to be me. i fear to be lonely. i fear the demons that still dwell within and i fear the skeletons. i fear to be afraid.

but hey, here i am again. putting on a front like i dont give a fuck. i dont. but then again you dont know who's talking to you, do u?

Hello, I love you

I wont lie. There are just certain days where I feel like killing myself. Some days where I question my existence and purpose in life. Here or back home, there just those days you know? I find that i’m experiencing those days ever so often now in recent times. Yes I know, I generally have that semi happy don’t give a shit nothing can phase me look on my face most of the time, and yeah, mostly I do, but sometimes, some days, its honestly gets the better of me and I descend into a mire of melancholy and misapplied logic to life in general, love specifically. But you, you, my dear, dear sweet woman to be saved,*CORNY ALERT* It turns out you were my saviour all along. When we talk, which is rare and infrequent but an occurrence nonetheless, you just take it all away. The doubts, the worries, the insecurities, the loneliness (well, you kinda share that duty with Tupps, he comes online more than you). You give me, something; I don’t know what it is exactly. Belief? A pinch of hope which hopefully isn’t leading me down to the familiar road of the big let down? I did tell myself to be cautious and tread lightly, but with you, it can’t be helped. It must be helped for fear of relapsing into depression. Anyway, you just, make me smile. You make me happy. You keep the darkness away and the skeletons in the closet with brilliant radiance. I want to say you complete me but I shall refrain from doing so for fear of a corny bashing and Joyce vomiting blood again, if she hasn’t already. I know not whether this a random attack of fondness which is unfounded or a genuine outpouring of emotions, it cant be said to be mutual because of the separation through the years. Whatever it might eventually be discovered to be, thank you. Sincerely from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much.

Thank you as well Tupps. Your random questions are slowly becoming very disturbing… but thank you for keeping me sane in this time of boredom and depression and social isolation. Sometimes it sucks to be a wallflower kan? But it sometimes has its uses as well. This time im afraid it’s the former. Mayhaps a temporary status quo? All shall be resolved in the coming days. The prodigal son will return.

I don’t know what the fuck that was all about but meh(shrugs in words), its 7 am in the morning and I haven’t had any sleep yet. Nor will I anytime soon.

Finally, this song is an ode to all the ladies walking down the street and looking fine… and of course it could be to specific ladies in my life.. so .without further ado.. Mr. Jim Morrison ,if you will;

The Doors
Hello, I love you
Waiting for the sun

Hello,
I love you
Won't you tell me your name
Hello
I love you
Let me jump in your game

She's walkin' down the street
Blind to every eye she meets
Do you think you'll be the guy
To make the queen of the angels sigh

Hello,
I love you
Won't you tell me your name
Hello
I love you
Let me jump in your game

She holds her head so high
Like a statue in the sky
Her arms are wicked and her legs are long
When she moves my brain screams out this song

Hello,
I love you
Won't you tell me your name
Hello
I love you
Let me jump in your game

Sidewalk crouches at her feet
Like a dog that begs for somethin' sweet
Do you hope to make her see, you fool
Do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel


Music therapy is the best.

Your ever sleep deprived and bored but sincere scribe,
Ju.

Thank you. I like that word. I like thanking people. Its polite and people get a warm fuzzy feeling of having done something nice.

Because i can redux

feeling really uninspired to blog now. The only thing that sustains me, in this time of absolute boredom coupled with social isolation while awaiting for the departure date leaves one melancholic and questioning simple principles and making them too complex in the end. Music sustains me along with conversations with Tupps and nicotine and instant noodles. Anyway, the only thing which i can look to with a smile in the weeks since the last post was the re-establishment of communication with the one to be saved. The ice of the long years apart begin to melt and a slow process of rebuilding broken bridges begins. Damn english lit for making us pomp and melodramatic with our words, actions and thoughts. Anyway, i'll take the posting-a-song-lyrics-route here since i dont really have anything else to say. This song here, i finally get it and see the personal connection to my current situation in regards to saving a certain someone. I'll let Michelle Branch do the talking from this point on.

Michelle Branch
All you wanted
The Spirit Room

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you and I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold
And you needed someone to show you the way
So I took your hand
And we figured out that when the time comes I'd take you away

If you want to I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly so hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone

If you want to I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know I'll be there

If you want to I can save you
I can take you away from here(I can take you away)
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone



yeah, if you would care to do the analysis here please. it a bit straightforward this one.

Thankful

18 days and counting. 18 fucking days left. thats 18 days to ship the shit back, clean the room like a motherfucker, claim the damage deposit, visit friends in Cardiff and generally see Bristol for the last time. Hopefully. Nothing against Bristol personally. Its a nice place to be at. Not too remote nor too distracting. Its not too bad by any account. But the only reason i would ever have to come back here would be for convocation in the hopeful event that i pass. or maybe i meet the girl of my dreams and she's Bristolian. Or I get a job here which pays exceptionally well. Fine, make that reasonS.

Anyway yes, back to Malaysia. Back to the sun, the heat, the food, the availability of food whatever the time, the family, the friends, the dog, and the general love of all the people(and the dog of course) that i get from them. Not that i dont feel any love here. i do. from different people on different degrees. Joyce for one. Really, without her here life would be so much more... i want to say miserable but i know that isint the suitable word... monotonous and joyless. She cooks for me and puts up with my whining and random annoying shit(most of the time anyway.. i do admit i do go to far sometimes and yes Joyce, you are welcome to tell me to shut the fuck up...every now and then). She was almost like sister to me here( yes chi.. you were almost replaced). A very big thank you and a hug Joyce, for generally being there for me. Further love(platonic) to Shah, Shafiq, Kev, Izalia and Cai Mei. I know im not the closes of friends with all of you but you have made my time here in Bristol bearable and i dare say enjoyable. Special thanks to Shafiq for taking me to Stamford Bridge. Twice! COME ON YOU BLUES! Shah, hahaha, good times, funny insults and general concern. Thanks. Kev, the same, Give it! Izalia, well, you were in London most of the time as well but thank you for..erm.. putting up with my general sillyness. Cai Mei, thank you for the pizzas!, among other things. Then there's Grace and Dee, two very special ladies to me though i dont often say or show it. Thanks for all the dinners and advice given and taken in stride. the advice not the dinners. I'll definately treat you two to dinner here or back in Malaysia since its been established that im cant be arsed to cook. Also platonic love to Chris and Ming Yang. Always calling me to come along to do stuff and have interesting smoking sessions. Thanks guys. And to Thiba, you're a really sweet girl, a slow eater yes, but a sweet girl nonetheless. Same applies to flat mate Milee.. Thank you so much for letting me watch TV and snacking on your food. And also to the Italian trip room mates, Karen, Marcus and Sern Wei, thanks for bringing me along the trip and also MUCH THANKS for all the dinners. I know i dont say much and i dont act out much but i do appreciate all thats been done for me. And remember someday that what goes around comes around and i will pay you back for everything. Sooner if not later. Thank you as well to the Cypriot, Mr Antonis. Glad to meet your acquiantance and hopefully i'll see you in Cyprus one day. MOLON LABE(cypriot/greek insider joke). I should say thank you as well to Toh Lee Kim though i doubt she will read this but what the hell, thank you so much for the mini tutoring during the exam period. Really helped.

If i missed anybody then im kinda sorry, but if i've forgotten you that means you dont really mean that much to me anyway. so yeah. big thank you also all the random strangers with random acts of kindness. In particular the guy who helped me 4 hours before EU exam and also to Victor(i think thats your name) for helping me 12 hours before Employment.

A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE MENTIONED. YOU'VE MADE MY TIME AT BRISTOL UNFORGETTABLE AND I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR FUTURE ENDEVOURS. AND IF FATE PERMITS, WE WILL BE ABLE TO MEET UP AGAIN.

Thank you very much.

mind the typos and apologies if i got any of your names wrong and for brief and vague descriptions of kindness, but i hope you all know im thankful for it, no matter how big or small that act of kindness was.

Because I Can

two blogs in a day. this leads to the assumption that im ; a) really really bored , b) feeling inspired or c) too full of myself. i dont know specifically which one category i fall in but i would like to think that its a combination of all 3 of the above but mostly leaning towards a) for im am just so fucking bored right now. bored to the extent that i have been packing my things even though my flight isint for another 20 days. i have also cleaned and my room and disposed of any unnecessary items, such as junk letters and spare useless notes and scribblings and doodlings and paper conversations with a bored classmate. i have also rewatched the entire 2nd season of American Dad and also watched the movie Lord of War, 3 times. yes, i am that bored. save me from the boredom oh patron saint of entertainment and stimulation.

speaking of saving, the main ratio for the writing of this blog is to address a certain someone who is in need of saving. not necessarily phsyically but emotionally. her plea reads : "I feel like i'm living in a world full of lies,lost hopes and unreal passion...I envy those who has the courage to push through all this and find wut they r really looking for...I have surrender all my senses, my trust and fantasies only to come across to wut i thought would not happen to me...I still am waiting for that shinning light to come carry me away...Even if it did come...i wonder will i have the stregth to carry on...Wud tat than be everlasting or is it juz another game?" (Verbatim). To this I answer, I can save you. I can be your shining light to take you away from the darkness that is the lies, lost hopes and unreal passion in your world. I will make you regain your trust and your fulfil your fantasies. And i know affairs of the heart are never to be played with lest we forget painful lessons of caution and jadedness. I will make you forget the pain. I can save you, Because I Can.

if words didnt really convey what i was saying, perhaps the above image will be more direct. and i did hold you close, even for just a moment. and though i didnt make a promise with my mouth and words, i made it with my heart. which counts for more than just empty words. i know, i know, we havent spoken in years and i only know you from brief moments. but brief moments were all you needed. You had me at "Can i borrow a pen?"

ok folks, enough of the sob story. i might get a huge sounding from joyce after this but... meh.. this is how i feel.

( image copyright of www.xkcd.com. go look see if u like math, romance and sarcasm. )

HAVE A GOOD DAY AND FREE YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS!

yes, im a little bit on crack this fine tuesday morning. just a little bit..

and, specially for Grace and numerous others who say i dont post much pictures on the blog...

WE LOVE YOU CHELSEA, WE DO, WE LOVE YOU CHELSEA, WE DO. WE LOVE YOU CHELSEA WE DO, OHHHH CHELSEA WE LOVE YOU!!!!

CAREFREE WHEREVER YOU MAY BE!

fine, so we didnt win the league, but we won two other cups, instead of just one. *Cue song "1 is the lonliest number"

filial

the only explanation i can give for the enforced absence is due to academic reasons, i.e. the fucking exams(sorry Grace, i find that using the word Fuck and its associated adjectives and adverbs the best way to express myself truly and freely without any restraints, plus i dont like using words like frigging and frick(scrubs inside joke) ). I can honestly say that i've never ever worked this hard in my life all for just a piece of paper. Nor do i intend to again, but you know how it goes with intentions, it never comes to fruitation. its never in your control. its just a mens rea but the actus reus of life and circumstances and fate, if you believe in it, conspire against intentions. You could read that as saying im spineless and not willing to carry on with what i set out to do, but then again i would say you're just naive and overly optimistic. not that that’s a bad thing of course. i envy you if you are. sadly i have a different outlook on life and yes, though self admittantly self deprecating, i would like to think im a realist. im not saying i view life as just a journey to the grave and nothing more and devoid of meaning. i know better than that and that life is beautiful. but its beautiful like a rose. with thorns. and i happen to pick a particularly prickly one. of course people have been dealt brambles in their life so i know im lucky to be where am i today. but then again, i dont take everything without a pinch of salt. unhealthy i know, but then that’s who i am. salty.

right then, to dispense with the lack of things to do plus post exam stress related to waiting for your results knowing that you might have fucked up one but hoping against hope that you didnt, i shall entertain myself with rant therapy. the above can be discounted as premature rantification. no thats not a real word. i looked it up. Interestingly labradoodle is a real word. and there is really a place called Fucking in Austria. useless knowledge you get from reading wikipedia articles and playing pub quiz games. Well, not really that useless if it can help you win 20 pounds.

so this is it then, the near end of the academic life, one foot into the real world, the market force, a part of the system. has it really been 22 years and counting? *clichéd words and phrases follow on how fast time flies. and there is fear in me as i step into a cold new world, and also a feeling of anticipation and nervous energy to go forth and make a living for myself. to be truly independent from my parents, who i intend to pay back every single cent given to me for my education and general upkeep expenses. i know without them i wouldn’t be where i am today. and it really frustrates and angers me when i see petulant kids who dont show their parents any respect. for fucks sake man/woman, you wouldnt be here without them and arent shit without them. and this further extends to "adults" who dump their parents in old folks home and leaves them for dead when they become a burden. Fuck all of you and fuck your circumstances. No circumstances can be an excuse for negligently neglecting your parents. ok, except maybe if they're incestuous and abuses but other than that its just.. wrong. no other word for it.. wrong. Confucius once said the most important value one can have is to be a filial child. im not a follower of Confucianism but that makes fucking sense and its something we all strive to have imbued within us and , hopefully and God willingly, in our kids. I dont mean to keep repeating myself but we are nothing without our parents and we should never ever forget them. They should be immortal in our memories and by extension to our kids i.e. their grand kids. If anyone reading this has lost a parent you have my full sympathy and im sorry if this piece has offended you in any way, but you should know more than the rest of us lucky ones how important parents are in our lives. So the next time you decide to scream at your parents for something you didnt get or do something that disappoints them, remember from whence u came from and who made you the person that you are today.

This piece is of course dedicated to the subject matter at hand, my parents, who i love very much and would do my utmost to make them proud of me. Yes, i do know that i have my flaws. I smoke, im jaded and i do sometimes do some things that i cant mention here for fear of persecution from the law and humiliation and of course disappointing you. But i hope that you know i would never do anything to hurt you anymore than i can help it and i truly love the both of you from the bottom of my heart even though i dont say it often enough but i hope my actions will show it and , i reiterate, i hope to make you proud of me.

i know its past mothers day and fathers day, but i dont need a specific date to show my parents love.

Thank you mom and dad. I love you

and thank you dear reader. I kinda love you as well though in a very platonic way and not at all gay.

rant session #58

spoiler warning for those who have not watche episode 6 season 11 of southpark or 300.

watched the latest episode of south park (when i should be studying, i know, but.. meh) called D-Yikes and it, well, i wouldnt say pissed the fuck out of me because it didnt because i realize its just a show, but maybe the right word would be, annoyed. As you can obviously tell from the title the episodes subject matter revolves around a topic which, to say the least, annoys me a lot. Note, annoy and not disturbs or pisses me off. I have with time learned to curb my more enthusiastic hatred and hate mongering of the gay community in general and of the lesbians specifically due to events of the past which i have slowly tried to let go piece by piece, day by day. I still do not like the idea of lesbians and though i am acquainted with some, but at least i dont do what the Westboro Baptist Church(wiki it) does. Yes, i realize im restating my restatement on my stance of the gay community. Views and outlooks in life are shaped by events in an individuals life as im sure you will agree with me. The only thing that annoys me now about lesbians, besides the obvious past trauma, is the fact that i can no longer enjoy lesbian porn. And i really liked lesbian porn. Really did. Thanks for taking away that one pleasure in life from me. And dont start with the whole sexist argument. Its porn, a form of physical entertainment and enjoyment and two men going at it isint the least bit entertaining to a staunchly heterosexual male. And yes, you could say that im sitting on a moral high horse right now, but fuck, compared to other hardliners i might as well be riding the donkey of understanding. And no Ms. Garrison, not all men are assholes and lesbians do more than just "scissors". I used to watch lesbian porn so i do have authority on the subject.

Another point of irritation and annoyance was the obvious references to 300, which, in my humble opinion of course, was a fucking brilliant movie and well worth the wait. No, i do not think it had the least bit of traces of homoerotic elements. 300 well muscled and toned men wearing nothing but underwear and red capes and helmets and shields are not gay. Its the epitome of male bravado. Manliness so to speak. And whats so homoerotic about seeing someone being beheaded and being stabbed by spears and being pushed off a cliff and building a wall from dead bodies? Blood, gore, violence... Love it! Anyway, coming back to why it annoys me that the creators of Southpark are using the 300 references is because i dont think the movie deserves to be parodied so brutally, aside from shouting THIS IS SPARTA!!, come on, the directors had to know it was going to stick and things that stick get parodied mercilessly. and whats more on a topic which irks me a lot. so yeah. guess what i was trying to say in all the muddled-ness that is the rant is that, i dont particularly like this episode and that i dont enjoy lesbian porn anymore. On that note, in the unlikely event that i were to be offered to join a threesome, i, at this current state of mind, would not join in. Well, maybe.. if they're fucking hot and not lesbian but just into freaky sex. But then i would be betraying principles. Fuck.. i dont know. We will cross the proverbial bridge when we get there.

On another subject which is semi separate(is that the right word?) from the subject above, i dislike dreams where im left feeling disappointed worse than nightmares where im dead, being devoured by a huge fucking ass spider or being chased into the bowels of hell where skeletons are chasing me with fiery swords or being the only survivor in a post apocalyptic nuclear war that wipes out the world. Yes, i know i watch too much twilight zone and horror flicks. Coming back to disappointing dreams, yeah, its like when you dream of a specific event, which shall remain unspecified here for fear of repercussions from more rational ,less trauma ridden minds and also for fear of me going into relapse of clingingtothepastitis. Anyway, yeah, disappointing dreams are such where you tend to not realize you're dreaming and as such everything seems real and thus there is a real sub conscious expectation and, due to events unfolding in the dream it remains unfulfilled and when you wake up and realize its a dream, its fuckall disappointing. I guess its the same mind fucking when your parents dont really fuck you up and yell and scream at you for something wrong that you did but instead say, "im disappointed in you". You did rather they yell or something and get it out of their system instead of letting that "im disappointed in you" fester and boil in your guilt. Same with the disappointing dreams, it fucking eats at you, and whats worse is its only a fucking dream and there's fuckall you can do about it. How is this semi related/separated from the rant about the southpark episode above? if you know me well enough you should be able to see the connection. SATP fucking TPAS.

thank you for your time.

p.s;

CAREFREE, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE, WE ARE THE FAMOUS CFC, AND WE DONT GIVE A FUCK WHOEVER YOU MAY BE, 'CAUSE WE'RE THE FAMOUS CFC!
its our year... our year. (note, subject to change)

when insomnia has a firm grip on you

what do you do? its six in the fucking morning and i cant sleep. im as tired as fuck, for want of a better word, yet i cant drift off into the escapism which is my dreamscape. it cant be accademic related stress as i've finished all my assignments and i would like to believe that im progressing well in studies and revision for the big E. am not currently thinking about ex's and situtations that could have been but never was. have watched 300 pahalwan Sparta twice now. Have tried drinking warm milk and have tried counting sheep. i have even gone for a walk about UWE to feel tired and clear my mind of anything that might have been on it. I realized there wasnt halfway to the other side and discovered it was too fucking cold to think and walked back. And here i am now, your humble scribe, unable to sleep and listening to Jay-Z telling me about that its a hardknock life. and now to be Big Pimping. Why... cant.. i... sleep? Shall now entertain myself with rant therapy

So i have discovered there are now 4 types of marital status; single, taken, homosexual and "its complicated". Your in between, says everything and nothing at the same time position. Its pretty fucking annoying yeah? Pick a side, any side. Stop complicating the situation and simplify it. Ok fine, that was just annoyance talking. Im sure there is a very good reason as to why you arent already taken but you arent available either. It could be that you're "very" good friends one drunken admission of love away from being a couple. It could be that you "still love each other" even though there was clearly a betrayal and thus a failure in the relationship. It could be that it's unrequitted and one sided. It could any number of things. Not trying to sound like a single desperate and exaperated fuck but its time to choose and make a stand. Bah, that only happens in movies where there would be happy resolution for the protagonist. And i never claimed to be the protagonist. The reality of it is that its just a personification of the human pysche. We're complex miserable creatures and this is a manisfestation of it in regards to our relationship with others. So yeah, i understand "its' complicated". Fucking hell.

Funny jokes( for tupps): A man was walking down the street painted green and naked with a naked girl on his back. He was stopped by the cops for indecent exposure. Asked as to why he was green and naked, he replied, "I was going for a costume party. Im a turtle." When asked as to why he was carrying a naked girl on his back, he said, " That's Michelle (me shell)".

Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple? A pimple only comes on your face when you're 13. (credited to Zee as told by Tupps)

A newly clothed young Catholic Priest was in the confession booth. A very promiscuous woman came in and confessed her sins. "Bless me Father, I have sinned. Its been 3 weeks since my last confession. I have performed oral sex on a man who im not married to. How many Hail Mary's should i say?" Being new, the Father didnt know what to say so he asked the alter boy nearby "What does the senior priest usually give for a blow job?" The alter boy replied "Oh, usually some sweets"

A few months after his parent's were divorced, Little Tommy passed by his mom's room and saw her rubbing her body and moaning "I need a man! I need a man!" Over the next couple of months he saw her doing this several times. One day, Little Tommy came home from school and heard her moaning. He peeked into her bedroom and saw a man on top of her. Little Tommy ran to his room, stripped off his clothes and started stroking off, moaning "I need an Xbox! I need an Xbox!"

Why is snow like sex for women? You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it'll last

Whats the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with the light on

What do u get if u cross a donkey and an onion? An ass which brings tears to your eyes


I would have something more significant to say but now im brain tired but i still cant sleep. Laters. Enjoy the jokes

Keinginan kembali ke roots aku

Saya tahu ini tidak pernah dibuat oleh ju-rants dan mungkin aku akan ada bebrapa kesalahan tatabahasa dan ejaan tetapi, fuck it, aku rasa nak buat

Apakah sebabnya saye berblogkan dalam bahasa melayu? Banyak sebab-sebab. Dah lama saya tidak bertulis sebuah karangan dalam bm dan saya berasa sedikit patriotik, especially since saya dah bertinggal di Brstol,UK untuk beberapa bulan dan dah lamanya tak berdengar orang berborak-borak dalam bm. Selain daripada itu, mungkin satu hari nanti saya akan bekerja dalam bidang undang dan mungkin I need to hand in a submission in bm. Tuan tuan dan puan puan boleh observe that sekarang ini adalah sebuah masalah as I cant fucking write in bm let alone form a fucking coherent sentence

Well, that ambitious project was short lived. Im so fucked, then, if I eventually practice in Malaysian law and the judge is really anal about speaking in bm when he fails to realize that most of the law taught, in Malaysia or England, is in fucking English. Yes yes, so I have a 3B in my spm for bm, whoop fucking doo. As you can see from the failed attempt above, the grade isint that well deserved now innit? Which brings me then to my next point. Is English the only language that im fluent in then? We can disregard Chinese. I cant speak it for nuts, including my family dialect, Hokkien. Jesus no. When I try to engage a conversation in Chinese or try to join one, I do get fucking lost and yeah, its really a bitch not be able to participate. Worse thing is this is my mother tongue and I cant fucking speak it. I have tried. God knows I have. Mandarin classes,where the tutor was very anal about speaking mandarin the “proper” way, with the tongue rolling and all that and which to me was really silly and hence I dropped out of it. I have tried to have some semblance of speaking Hokkien with my one remaining Hokkien grandmother and at this task to I have failed. I do try to see the old dear as much as I can but you know how it goes, what am I going to say? And how many times can I listen to “don’t get a girlfriend now, get your degree and get a job and then girls will come flocking and etc etc. u know, the normal grandmotherly banter. There was a time when I could understand what she was saying and could answer her back in Hokkien. Nowadays, I have to rely on my aunty as the translator. I do catch a few words here and there, especially when she say study hard and get a job and girls will come running to you. I will refrain from putting the transcript here for the benefit of those who don’t speak Hokkien and also, I really don’t know how to phonetically spell it. I’ve watched countless amounts of Chinese films and yes, sometimes I do stop and rewind a scene to listen to the dialogue and then repeat it myself to try and learn the phrase. But with a brain which is sometimes akin to that of a goldfish, I forget and thus don’t remember the phrase. I have tried with various friends to ask them to try to tutor me in Chinese but again it has come to naught as I switch back to English time and time again. Which all leads down to the conclusion that im really ashamed of myself. I admit I do feel some racial pride. Im proud to be Chinese. But its fucking hypocritical when I cant speak the language myself eh? It dosent count when you can count one to ten and say a few curse words and phrases. True, at this point and time being fluent in English is an advantage to me but, fuck, imagine walking in to Chinese restaurant and not being able to order. And this in turn affects my taste in women as well. If you can speak fluent, clear and precise English then baby girl, im half yours. Coming back to the point though, im ashamed not to be in touch with my roots. I preach non discrimination against races and that includes my own race. But how can that be when I lose touch with it? Have I become a product of colonialism and bad parenting? I should endeavour to get back in touch with my roots but damnit, its so hard to, especially now. I look at those fluently multi lingual and I feel so ashamed of myself. ASHAMED!
God, please send me the girl of my dreams which will be able to help me get back in touch with my roots or failing that, grant this lost Chinese boy’s dreams of getting back to his roots. I do want to be multi lingual. I do want to speak as many languages as I can. But I cant even proceed if I don’t even have the basics covered.

In this there is an epiphany towards my life. Have I strayed so far from the original plot that I don’t know who I am anymore or why im here? Im questioning my existence ever so often that its becoming scary. I know, I should just chill. But maybe I’ve chilled enough? Maybe I need more direction in life but I’ve lost the compass? I don’t know the answer to these questions try as hard as I might to seek them. But then this, all this, will have to wait. The time for academic grinding has arrived and thou shan’t hear from this scribe anytime soon. Unless aku berasa nak bertulis dalam wah eh blog. Papoh and cho san. Ia dah morning for me and I have to go for class. .And for tupps, savadeekap

random thoughts not relating to subject rant:
when the wind blows against the protagonist/random hottie/bollywood movie, its looks good kan? But trust me, its fucking overated when the wind's going at 30 mp/h. i dont care how good you look or how the winds does that movie thingy with the hair, you dont wanna be out there.

being cool and being and outcast are the same sides of the different coin. both need to stand out from the masses. but then again, havent you ever thought of just being one of the masses? why this need to be different or special from the rest of us? ironically, its because the masses, society, dictates as such. what makes us different from one another is the dreams and ambitions. but then again dont we all have that in us? that being so, arent u part of the human society then? its akin to an ouroboros; a snake eating its own tail. you crave so much to be different to the norm that you forget that you are the norm. you're just human.

chance encounters at a club/bar dont end well, even when you're sober.

the ever loving , and easy on the eyes after reading such a long assed nonsensical and condescending but surprisingly mutli lingual rant , end.

random rap

ju-rants be the name, better recognize my game,
if i fail law this is my claim to fame.
me and the crew chilling in bangkung
till jas's father calls then we have to go home.
my friend tupps be thai,
but dont get it twisted we roll together like ice cream and pie
dre be stone cold in his expression like a killer
dont let it scare ya, he’s a real nice fella
regarding arvinda, I got a whole list of things to say
but fuck it you’re a good friend too,
except when you ask me to pay
for food u couldn’t afford u damned fool

don’t mess with me my rhymes be tight
like that virgin you didn’t get with last night
aint no one better than me,
my words cut like knives and will make you bleed.
money, booze and broads,
dont need none of those in my rhyme to get to the top.
i be in your face like a mace
aint gonna bow down for popularity’s sake
not into that friendster bullshit or myspace
im my own man and I trust my own legs to stand
I don’t care If I never get recognition or have fans
I just wanna lay down verses about the truth
Make your insecurities go away like poof
But its gonna hurt don’t expect me to sooth
Your egos when it hits you in the gut
That you’re nothing but a popularity slut
Sorry for the rage, it’s the truth like from a bible page
I have no love for them and haters
And special disdain for posers
Coolness is the opium for the masses
Don’t be dissin this rap son
I speak from the heart
It aint some cheap record u can pick up from Mymart
And if u don’t agree
Take the Tyson approach and bite me

sat pui ha ngor hui siu yiin,
smoking aint a sin, im like jin,
adding chinese in my verses
getting back to my roots, im serious.
That’s all I gotta rant about today
Going to desist and cease
Shoutout to the crew and all those dear to me
Im out, Peace.


hahaha.. i know what your're saying.. Ju.. dont quit your day job. Dont worry, it was just random.

ps; sat pui ha ngor hui siu yin = excuse me for a bit, i gotta smoke.